Sorry on a bit of one at the moment but i think its the emotion of her moving out.
I know i was wrong in the marriage on a bunch of stuff. Yes I sulked too much and my sulking involved sarcastic remarks which she found hurtful, yes I was (and still am) anxious about financial security. Yes i was too often promising 'Jam tomorrow', yes i did complain about work too much and yes i did get entrenched in my views on stuff i didnt really care about. And most importantly because i felt hurt, rejected and ignored i withdrew and failed to meet her emotionally support her, including spectacularly with some big events.
so i can see why she was unhappy and wanted out and to an extent i can see why she felt I was bullying and controlling even though that was never what i thought i was doing.
at the same time
I never stopped her seeing friends or family, she chose to not speak to them for reasons only known to her - she says because i made her so miserable. I never stopped her going out or joining a gym or doing any of the other things she wanted - in fact i tried to encourage and support her in this. She stopped talking to me or sharing things abouot her life with me, she put too many barriers to us going out. She withdrew or complained if i tried to show her affection and sex had so many 'rules' imposed that it became awkward and uncomfortable for us both. Anytime we disagreed she simply shut down and wouldnt talk to me for a few hours, and anytime we did talk about why she was upset the reasons she gave were never the stuff she is saying now.
Our life before marriage was great, are life after marriage was passive aggressive coexistence while struggling with two small children and a bucket load of resentment. And yet i would have her back in heartbeat.
Right i'm going to change a light fitting an try and snap out of this
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Sorry about the hasty post before - was out at dinner.
Look, I get it, it feels like a momentous occasion to you. Maybe it will be the last time you share a house together. But you don't know that right now. This is not the end, it's just the start of a different phase.
The night before my H left I tried to remain up beat, gave him a hug and said something along the lines of "no matter how this turns out, the end result will be better than where we're at now." Kind of implied we're on a bit of a journey. He thanked me and said it was a nice idea. He was clearly lost.
Next morning - the day he left - we had very little exchange. I'll never forget that he came over, said he knows this is silly, but he's looking for the nose hair clippers and did I know where they are. I took that as an indicator of where his head was at on what felt to me to be the most momentous day of my life. I left the house before he did. We're still in contact 7 months later.
All this is to say, I don't think you should say anything that refers to it as The End, nice knowing ya, etc. Try to factor in her feelings - she feels like she has to get outta there. Acknowledge that she has to do it, you wish things were different, but for now you know this is how it has to be. Well, that's how I handled it anyway.
Big hugs to you today. I know it is hard.
It is not The End.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
I know its the emotion, we haven't been a couple for 4 months so in a lit of ways nothing is changing. Its just a few days to get through. And to be honest the last few days the only thing she asks me (4 times last night) is 'are you going out tonight?'
I just struggle to reconcile how we got here in terms of her opinion of me? how she manages to believe what she seems to believe about me? And how I turn that around (which I get is still me wanting to control).
It doesn't help that her sister and PF pile in with how awful I am and how unfair I'm being about the settlement. She's cheating and leaving, do they seriously expect me to say 'here have everything. Don't worry I'll just walk away and not worry about me or the kids'
That was never going to happen.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
This is just another stage. I haven't yet gone through it so I leave it to wiser more experienced folk to guide you.
I do know this, you are changing Jim and W is too close to notice. These Jim loops are also creating problems detaching for you.
The fins can be a big thing too, if in future years there is extra cash then you could choose to put extra cash into a children's saving product for your children. My notes tell me this was W intention for the cash? Trust I have that correct.
Jim consider fixing your mortgage if fins are tight. I have and even though now I float over my lifetime I have always been glad to fix. You are savvy enough to know this though and don't need a weary V to remind you.
Now is the time for Jim to go GAL, live for today. Let W look after W and Jim look after Jim and children. My prayers are with you today ((((Jim and W))))
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I've always been financially OK. I know I'm not good with money so I structure everything so I don't have to care. Basically it all takes care of itself and I have an allowance. It works for me.
Thats why the financial settlement was so important - without it my structure has a dodgy foundation.
She must know I don't have any savings (she had them all) so I don't get her stance at all.
She does see my changes she said she doesn't want to see them. At the moment I think she thinks I'm doing them to hurt her rather than the real story which is I'm doing them because I don't like who I became (which cost me her). To me it's a really important difference.
I'm just sad and hurt that shes actualky going. I also feel like its THE end when I know its only an end. I recognise all that and it will pass just may take a whike
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Strikes me you are great with money. It is all about structure.
W would like to see you as you were as it creates justification for W,! No matter what there is no excuse for wayward behaviour and some of the hurtful untrue spew.
It will be alright in the end and if it's not alright it's not the end, the fat lady has not yet sung.
Stay strong
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Jim, What you are describing is the beginning of being good with money. The only element missing is that you have to remember to pay yourself first. You are certainly on the right track!
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
Sorry it's a tough time for your right now. Of course it feels like a loss, and you probably just need some time to grieve - but it is also a new beginning for you both potentially. Before, you were locked in a deteriorating situation, together in the same house.
Now, you get some more space and breathing room to really carry on the work on you, and be the Dad you want to be, interacting with your W positively. You can regroup, detach more from the situation and move forwards.
Just something to think about - in your earlier posts, you are still focusing on what your W thinks about things, and how it's hard to believe. But, maybe the best thing to do is accept. Right now, that is her perspective (and therefore her current reality). It may change, and you can potentially influence that.
Not used my potato masher yet, but did make a nice frittata for dinner! Toots :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
W has packed all her belongings and retreated to her bedroom. From this point on I will not be around my wife without the kids being present (and awake)
I know my marriage has been dead for a minimum 4 months but this is a real milestone on that journey now. We are now no more than co parents which is something I never in my life wanted. 8 days before BD I booked a family holiday which I now have to cancel.
I take delivery of Jim mk8 on Wednesday but I suspect it will take a few days/weeks to shift across from mk7
Having said all that the interaction I've had with my wife has all been chatty and OK. Outwardly she is sadder than I am but thats stress about the move and her family driving her nuts - difficult to validate without sounding like I'm criticising her family.
She's been really upbeat this evening, but then she is messaging someone and I know OM1 is back from his holiday today. In my Ws eyes her fantasy life starts this week.
You can probably tell I'm feeling down about this but surprisingly unstressed by my standards. She believes what she believes and for her thats what matters and right now that means leaving me.
Intellectually I know a lot of what's going on, I know this isn't the end and having been a walkaway myself I know to an extent how she might be feeling and why right now she couldn't care less about my journey and growth. despite that I'm afraid of the outcome, I'm afraid that I've pinned my hopes on being at best plan B, and I'm afraid of being alone but more than anything I really miss her.
There's no need to reassure me or tell me that I need to detach as I do know all that. To be honest right now I just need to grieve a bit.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I also just want to say I know I've been a bit introspective (again) and self absorbed the last few days when you all have all your own stuff going on. So I just want to say thank you to everyone who takes the time to read my witterings and for all the support you give me.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
