OM is in town. In the midst of our R talk tonight, she broached the subject of seeing him again after hours, to get more clarity. Not that there were any plans, just a "what if." I responded with broaching the subject of separating our finances and me moving out.
She's not talking to me at the moment. Oh well.
This woman seems to think that because of the mistakes I made in our marriage that I should just stand by while she goes out with OM. Unbelievable.
Good job. She may continue to test you; stand firm!!
Oddly, she may actually draw COMFORT and SECURITY from your strong boundaries, Rzr. Much like children, who may wail and moan only to know that deep down their parents love them enough to be strict with them.
Take the short-term hit in favor of the potential long-term gain.
Good job. She may continue to test you; stand firm!!
Oddly, she may actually draw COMFORT and SECURITY from your strong boundaries, Rzr. Much like children, who may wail and moan only to know that deep down their parents love them enough to be strict with them.
Take the short-term hit in favor of the potential long-term gain.
Starsky
I'm a little puzzled by her behavior. The silent treatment lasted about 10 minutes, then she was back to talking with me like it had never come up. She even curled up with me when we went to sleep. It's not like her to back down so quickly. When this subject came up a few weeks ago, it resulted in a nasty fight.
I'd like to think that she drew some security off my firm stand, but I'm suspicious enough of her to think that she may have just decided to try and get together with him behind my back.
I guess that's just a risk I have to take. It's not like I can control her.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
It can be peaceful, just state the boundary is there and then STFU and normalise.
"W you know where My boundary is on this." Then walk away, no discussion or argument.
V
And that's basically how it went. The only thing I added was that no spouse on the planet would think that going out to see OM would be acceptable.
She shut down after that, didn't talk to me for a few mminutes, and then we resumed our evening. I'm proud of the way I handled it, just found her reaction a little strange. She normally pushes back way more than that.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I'm proud of the way I handled it, just found her reaction a little strange. She normally pushes back way more than that.
So, she may have performed a 180 on some of her old behaviors?
I'm sure it's tough with the hurt you have felt, especially as the trust is re-established. When I first read this, it seemed like she may have thought about what she said and realized that she was wrong for suggesting it. Then she carried on, noting a boundary.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
That's what I hope has happened too. Even as lost as she is, surely some part of her realizes that I would never be OK with her seeing OM again.
This is mind reading, but I think on some level she thinks I should just let her do anything she wants without consequences because of the things I did wrong on our marriage.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
"This is mind reading, but I think on some level she thinks I should just let her do anything she wants without consequences because of the things I did wrong on our marriage."
That's probably what she's thinking.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I doubt you will ever be able to think or even guess to what's going on in her head.
Don't get excited over anything just yet. Of course she knew it wasn't alright with you for her to see OM. She wanted to know what you would do....if anything. Now comes the test.
BTW, stop having R talks with her that are not inside the counselor's office. You said yourself, they are not accomplishing anything. Besides, she's still not in piecing. She wants to see OM outside of work!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
