Responding Vs Reacting

[DaddyLongShanks]

Last day of moving out of my marital home. The reality is coming to be real. No more living in this home. It's a fresh new start for me and kiddos. Bitter sweet

Congrats!

[Faith2b]

Ok so I slept at my new apartment with kiddos last night. It was actually great. Today my daughters beds get delivered and my sons room is on its way to being organized and tidy. I washed alot of clothes and still have comforters and othewr things that need a good washing. Lots of organizing and many purchases to get organization in a small space. All exciting for me!!


I have been a mess. This process of moving and dealing with my exh has been very difficult. Their has been some great discoveries on my part about my self esteem and I plan on working on this. A couple of months ago me and Exh were in counseling and the counselor said I needed to be more independant and also quit doing for my exh. Well here it goes. I have been taking care of me and the kids and I leave it to him to straighten out whatever else is going on with him. I told him yesterday I was not comfortable with our relationship and I wanna keep the communication good and about the kids. Like I have said he did put an RO on me but yesterday he contacted me twice. Im not calling him and I love it. This order has made him step up in small ways and it gives me an oppurtunity to let that happen.


Im going to reasses my gools and I will soon be doing the DB Counseling. Im going to continue to look into my anger. I have come to the conclusion though I am a recovering control addict. lol. I had complained and badgered my way to to compliance or nooo compliance. I also get angry in a way to get my way. Which of course is not affective. Im learning that I had very immature reflects which came out in anger. I am fine tuning ways to deaL.


Anyone one else deal with things wrong???

[Faith2b]

Wow just met with exh at the house. He called me to come and I thought help with something. Actually I thought he had the girls and they would be coming over to see their new bed. Well he asked me to the house so I went. He wanted me to sit with him the old me would have said no way come on lets get to business. I thought he had moved all remaining furniture but he did not.

He again was trying to kiss hug and whoopi. I had to tell him no again. I reiterated the point that I was uncomfortable. He stopped he said what do you want. I said to better communicate about the kids only. That we should focus on them.

I asked him if he needed my help with moving he said no I said ok he said "You trust me right? To get all this out by tonight?" I said yes I do. The old me would have been very upset and worried about him doing all this work alone and under time restraints. But I just said I trusted him. He seemed to have needed me to confirm things in him.

he then said this is your last opportunity to say what I need to say I said ok like what. He said anything. I said ok but its only about he kids. He insisted that I tell him what I really needed to say. I broke and said. I only bitched complained and spoke my mind about things but ultimately its your decision. Your the man and I no matter what trust your decision. What ever makes you happy I support because we have kids and I want you to be the best for them. I also told him that I apologize for my anger. I told him I completely understand why he filed the RO and that I had been very angry towards him and I take full responsibility. I said I hope that he can forgive me. I said I am moving forward and I want him to as well.

I told him that I have said time and time what I want and its in his court now.

I also mention that I read the RO and I agreed to all of it.

I also mentioned my career because this was a point he always stressed. He did not want me to find a new job. I told him that I was only trying to find something better for our family and it was not to have some career. I told him at his point after all that has happened Im just going to stay where I am its not worth what it has caused to try and change.

Overall I may have said to much but I feel like hey. I put the ball in his court successfully. Im pretty upset and really have to pray because once again your with ow and your trying to make me the person you cheat with?!?!?! I really feel kinda insulted by this. But overall it helps me to get more closure. I wanna detach for sure.

How dare he make me anything other than #1


well more detaching for me I really wanna find me. I wana be in a place were I have a deserving partner. Someone who wants total commitment with me only. I hope its him....although this statement is pretty much speaking out of love. NO feelings because Im pretty much not so into him.

Ugh I know he sounds like scum but he is a great guy. Im so disappointed in him. Well he seemed very distraught after the convo. Ugh ok well please leave observations and comments.

[Faith2b]

Please some observation on my sitch.

[Faith2b]

Its pretty clear in my sitch that he has to make a choice. Im really sick with it. This is major for me because I definately was and am currently still working on not be a control and manipulator. I want him to choose me and the kids free of his own will. I feel I set the floor for this last night. Overall Im not scared I was forwared a chance to get what I really want. I now have removed myself from the crazy twisted world of me and ow. I truly want a monogomous healthy r. I am totally prepared to walk away from this man. I know without a doubt I married the right man. I also know that I have to start fresh. Im only responsible for my decisions and I want to make the best decisions for my children despite my current circumstances. My hope is in the Lord. Hope that my children me and their dad will be better for the decisions made. I want him s well as me to be happy.

[Faith2b]

Well my exh has come full circle. He has realized he made a mistake by moving ow in. He is reaking up with her. I want her gone now. He toldme he loves me and he just wanted to get our relationship back together. The girl said she will go but has to wait for tax time. I told him I have to know with proof this is over. I need toknow what to do next. He said he loves me he wantes me to see my ways and I have clearly stated my defaults. Im not sure yet if he understands the magnitude of his actions. I told him he has to get rid of fb all social sites, and of course the girl.

I need direction. He cant just throw her out but I dont know what I should do meanwhile?? He has been calling me alot and we have been talking more. I still feel he has to show me more.

[Sotto]

Hi Faith

Well, I would certainly take things at your pace and be absolutely sure that he has dug pretty deep and done some proper work here. Because your sitch with him does read a bit like a soap opera, and I presume you want to avoid any return to that for you and your kids.

Only you can decide what needs to happen for you to put the work into reconciling again, but the list would normally include:

Ending the R with OP and no further contact
Really showing true remorse about what has happened and asking you 'what will it take for us to reconcile'
Being willing to take part in MC - or whatever else yiu need to heal things.

In the DR infidelity chapter, there's a list of things that LBS need to overcome an A. Also, what is the state of play with OW - when is tax year? If that's months away, how is that going to work?

Give yourself some proper time to think about this - and really think long term about what will be best for your and your kids. Don't return to a 'soap opera' and be back here again in 9 months. It doesn't sound to me as though your H has really done 'the work' yet - sounds like he just got a bit fed up with OW and you look like the better option right now. It needs more than that IMO.

[Faith2b]

I agree. Going to get a counselor asap

[labug]

Good luck.

[Faith2b]

Well this has been a tough journey for me. It has not even hit a place where I feel progression. But at the same time I can see much progress. I have come to this site and released many feelings. I was even told that its like a Soap Opera that really hit home for me it was very hurtful. I have come to the conclusion that their can be worse situations. So with that said Im blessed and I have realized much about myself.

I have been GALing this Sat. I went out with my friends and Sunday I worked out. I have been doing a lot to stay grounded and to remove my own sabotaging. Im very proud of my progress. I have really begun to be more in touch with my feminine side. When I see how much power and love I have neglected myself I can see how Im in such a horrible sitch. So the focus on self is so key for me. I have been really enjoying the time I have to reconnect with me. Even though I miss the kids when their with their dad I know its necessary.

Again Im praying for exh. I have let him contact me and I have been very kind and respectful. He has tested me but I have realized that he is still not open to me. Which is ok. Like the DR says you can only believe half of what they say I keep this in mind. I also know in his own way he is fighting many demons and I have to let go and let him work through all this alone.

Im more hopefully not based on my husbands words but on the position I have put myself in Im stronger more centered and I am working through fears. I have recently discovered that I have been very controlling well I knew this but I feel I can see the root now. Im putting my full trust in GOd and placing my worries in his hands. Im not sure whats next but Im going to be ready to respond.

I read recently that an affair is one of the most devastating life events. Im not sure if this is the worst because it has profoundly changed the space in my head lol. I mean the things I am learning are so profound that I wouldnt have it any other way. (Well no I will take that back could I have learned in an easier way??) lol WEll look when life hands you lemons make lemonade. I am for ever grateful for the peace and foundation gained from my life as is now.

I could say in depth about what exactly I have been told by my ex but hey. Right now I have to choose me. Its difficult when your expectations get involved combined with what your spouse says. I seen him this morning and I was ready for what ever he would say. He had to run to work overall it was not some epic meet up just an exchange of the kids we looked at each other. I checked him out in his work clothes. Of course I miss him. But my emotions were in check and he asked me to make some final calls on our marital house closing on Wednesday. We had a set back but we are ready to close.

Im getting more comfortable with both ways being with him or not.
More in important Im focusing on what I need my worthiness. I have to honor where I am. Sometimes I wanna retreat into the dating pool get drunk or just say Im done. This are very tempting but they will not fix my sitch. I have to feel myself very carefully with the recipe for success.


Im going to be ok no matter what happens and the pain I have now will be used for future good. I have many emotions but theyare only that emotions and I am the master of them. I have every ability to get what I want once I trust in GOd. I may not see whats ahead but my assurance is with the right man (GOD) I told my ex the other day when I spoke with him on the phone. He had told me that he will get her out his place and he will breakup with her. He said he has to do it his way. I said back to him very sure. I trust you! Wow what a difference in me. I may not get what ex promises but I trust GOd their for me my responses even when things are crazy and could be potentially untrue have no barrings on where I am heading. Im probably the only person in his life that can give him stability that cannot require out of him not because I dont need him but because I can honor his space I will wait on God. I know I have gone from God and my exh but that ok with me. I realize what going on around me but I choose to stand.


GAL On!!

Please comment??

Im very blessed to have this outlet here on this site. I am not trying to be anyway just trying to express by writing for my own healing forward. Please let me know if i can help or if this may seem a little cra cra I appreciate feedback!