Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD - pt. 2

[gogofo]

We talked last night and what it came down to was basically she wants me to move out and she wants a divorce.

The reasons why:
She feels overwhelmed by everything in her life
She does not have time for what is required in her life between teaching and taking classes, mom, etc
She does not have time to try to work on our R
She needs physical space and solitude from all the stress in her life so she can recenter
She feels we have flip flopped with her being the overworked over-stressed one and me being the one wanting to work on the R
She never said that she did not love me or that she hated me and wanted a divorce for that reason
She said that she did not want to be the "taker" in the R, but she has nothing to give right now
She doesn't want me to move out next week or next month, but wants me to move out
She likes that we can get along and are great friends
She still feels anger about what happened between us before
She doesn't want me to be the giver and her the taker and have me feel the way she did (which I assume was angry and resentful)
She said that she is much more of a taker than I am

Her message was that she has so much going on that she cannot work on us. She analyzed it as a "strategic plan" with input and output and not getting a desired result. She needs to make a change in the plan and the only thing she can give up is the M because the other things HAVE to get done. She is prioritizing all other things in her life above our M.

She said she doesn't feel that a M should feel like work. To her it feels like work right now. She doesn't feel like herself and when she felt like herself is when we were separated. This was because of the week on/week off schedule.

I have been thinking a lot about what she did and did not say. To me it feels like she set this goal with her work and education and now she won't stop because she feels she cannot stop. She is choosing that over us. She did not say that she did not want us, but that us did not fit in her schedule right now.

I brought up the "duplex with common kitchen" idea that she had talked about before. She said that it would enable her to feel and have the isolation or separation that she needs. I made the suggestion that I live in the basement and work this house like it was a duplex. She said it would never work, that I would do nothing for myself if that were the case. She thinks that I will not go out and see my friends or do things I want to do.

I told her about how I felt about our R and that right now I don't care about being the only giver, that is something I want to do. I told her I share and believe in her dreams and goals. I empathized with her about the trapped feeling you get when work and other obligations run your life. I said that I know she swings wildly emotionally from high to low and knew this before we got together, and it is something that I love about her.

I talked about her mindset that she is going to do this alone and not need anyone's help (her not wanting to be a taker). I told her that when she was sick with pleurisy and went to the doctor to get checked I knew she was in terrible pain. She was so sick that she could hardly move without terrific pain. This forced her to have to be taken care of and I was there to help her. I told her I noticed that she felt vulnerable, but since she had to physically accept help and be a taker that she felt loved and taken care of. She realized that she needed someone, not just wanted someone, and it did change her attitude for a while when she was sick. She looked scared but grateful that I could be there and she could rely on me.

I know what I am prepared to do to save this M. I am prepared to:
move myself into the basement of the home and treat the house like a duplex
work through this whole doctoral education with her and give all that it takes
work on myself so I am not making her feel pressured
basically eat a lot of crud to fight for what I believe in
I am prepared to put up with just about anything, except EA/PA, while living under the same roof

[gogofo]

I don't have my book near and cannot remember the particulars about MLC, but to give our situation a label this is what I think it is. She is working for her and on her and everything else takes second stage, family and kids included.

This contrasts sharply with how she is "normally" and why I am prepared to do all the work necessary to support her and love her and work through all of this.

She knows that her situation is because of choices she made, but also will not drop or change any of her commitments.

So I am trying to figure out where to go from here. I do not want to move out of the house and I do not want a divorce. I will not see her until late Sunday, so we have time apart.

Actions to take:
Fist and foremost do not pressure her! I will need to do big work on this as I need to learn patience and pacing.

Decide if I should move to the basement bedroom. I want to move for two reasons. The bedroom she is sleeping in is not as comfortable as the master. The basement bedroom is a second master and would work well for me. I want her to be comfortable and not feel pressured by me. I feel this could be an action that would relieve a lot of pressure on her by being able to physically be alone in her own room. I have an issue when sleeping that I physically touch and grab out when sleeping or in a near sleep state. I have even started and engaged in intercourse in this dream like state. This creates a "pressure" issue for her that is really hard for me to control or know that I do.

Should I move my things to the basement when she is out of town so she can have more space?

Should this be discussed with her before I move my things? This is me being scared or fearful of rocking the boat, it is me wondering if I should get her blessing before giving her her bedroom back. Why do I think I need her blessing and why am I such a pansy when I comes to things like this. I feel I should just do what I feel is right and relocate to the basement.

I need outside opinions on this.

[labug]

gogo, slow down. This is all about how you want to fix her. She made need fixing but that's not your call.

Back off giver her the opportunity to see what life might be like without you.

This is all about what you want.

Slow down, read this, take it in.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2526997#Post2526997

[labug]

Remember when I said not to lose yourself?

Your last 2 posts are about losing yourself.

[gogofo]

Remember when I said not to lose yourself?

Your last 2 posts are about losing yourself.

Bug, I don't understand what you mean by losing myself. Does it have to do with the fear of the change of not being a husband and my W not loving me?

From the post your recommend it sounds like that Feenix let go of all that he thought he had control over. He focused on actively working on himself and his needs and his children. When he did that he felt better about himself and knew he was going to be better on the other side of this, not matter the outcome of the M.

I know I need to focus on myself and leave my W to herself. Letting go of any perceivable control I think I have on the outcome of this is hard. I fear losing my W and the possibilities I see for our R. The dropping the rope, completely, is hard. I could drop the rope with a few caveats, which is not dropping the rope. I stated these above, but that is not what the vets and DB recommend.

The whole concept of "if it is meant to be, it will be" is scary, but I guess it is only scary because I have work to do on myself.

I think I need to a separate bedroom. The physical separation will help me with dealing with myself. I will keep "performing" in front of her if we are around each other. I don't want to be that dancing minstrel.

[Barrybran]

Bug, I don't understand what you mean by losing myself.

Reread a couple of your recent posts from the perspective of you advising someone who has just come to the boards. I saw someone mentioned the other day about your wife being "done for now", which you appeared to accept. It's tough, especially having some success, but you're back to square one. Look after yourself. Decide what YOU want.

[gogofo]

Thanks for the tip Barry, I will do that.

[gogofo]

What do I want? I am not sure of everything, but I have some ideas; I plan to work on this and write them out.

Where am I right now?
I know my W said she is done, so I am going to believe her (as hard as it is). I know I cannot MAKE her love me, it hurts and is hard to give into, but I cannot make her love me. I know I need to work HARD on myself and believe in myself. I need to let go of thinking I have control, or trying to control things.

I had glimpses of this and was doing pretty well with this mid summer last year. I let life get in the way and moved my focus from ME to US and HER. This did not work. She was more into me when I was my own man and doing my own things, not worrying about her stuff. I like to help her with her stuff, but worrying about her things was not/is not my job.

I need to be me, for me. I need to find out what was missing in myself that causes me to become clingy and needy and pressuring her and fix it in myself so I am a whole person. I don't want to be a person who needs his W to make him feel whole. I want to be whole and let my W fill my cup until it runs over.

I am going to move my things into the basement. It is a step into a place I fear, but a necessary step. I need to face my fears and understand them. I get excited and then paralyze myself from action with my fears. I get ideas about things I want to do, etc. and then I stop and don't go after then or try them. This non action with me is a frustrating issue.

If I try to stay in the master bedroom it will be because I would expect her to feel closer to me at night and fan the embers of our R. It will not happen and is me being needy, I don't want to be that. I also don't think I will be able to keep my hands off her at night. I would be grabbing for her hands or trying to put my foot against hers.

The physical separation will allow me to focus on me. I stop reading and working the boards and myself when we are around each other. Not good for my growth. I need to focus on my independence and grow it. I don't want my life to be focused on my W.

Goals:
Focus on me for me, not me for my wife. This will take TONS of work.

Move into the basement bedroom. This will be the first step to clear my mind and think about myself and my life and what I want.

Find goals in life besides fixing my M. Fix myself and see who wants to going me on my ride.

Try to understand my non-action, mental block thing that I have that keeps me from starting or completing things.

Become someone that has a plan most of the time, Instead of waiting for other's plans and deciding what I am going to do after the fact I need to have a plan for what I want to do.

[gogofo]

Had a good Friday night and Saturday night, doing some GAL stuff instead of just reading self help books and worrying about my situation.

Friday I went out to dinner with my mom and dad and brother for his birthday. It was really nice, we had not been together as just the four of us in years. The MIL took the kids to their house for the weekend so I stayed out way too late with my brother. It was a pretty good time.

Today I slept in and was kind of slow and slightly down so I called around and found one of my friends as we took off out of town for an auto show. I was proud of going because I had been working on getting a couple of other friends to go and some couldn't go and others didn't want to. I was about to give up and stay home, but all I would probably have done was lay on the couch feeling sorry for myself. I didn't like this and I don't want to be that person so I kept brain storming and found a solution rooted in action and having fun! Good for me for not giving up (a small victory for one of my goals/180s).

It was good fun and we talked quite a bit. It had been a while since we had got together, he was one of my childhood friends and a roommate in college. He is a lawyer and shot me a recommendation for the best D lawyer in the area.

I got a phone call from the W, we had an offer on our house and had about 5 hours to accept, reject, or counter. Not going to lie, my heart and stomach sunk when the offer came in. I thought this would have been an exciting event, but it just felt like another nail in the D coffin. Kind of bummed me out and put in a little funk. Snapped out of it for a while, looking at all too expensive vehicles can do that. Who can't smile while looking at a Ferrari?

When we left and it was time for dinner I got down again because my W and I had great times eating in this city. Just seemed bitter sweet. But my buddy and I had a good time and talked all the way home. We actually talked about life stuff and not mundane things like sports or cars, etc. It was nice to talk to someone who has a W and kids and can understand things in your life easier than my friends that have no kids, just date, and still live with their parents. He even helped convince me that IC was a good idea last year. He talked about his sessions and how they helped him with some of his issues.

I think overall I did well and am trying to stay up and positive. Don't want to dwell too much on this latest bomb. I am sure I will read some more tonight in bed and try to get mentally strong to move my things to the basement and prepare for the return of my W tomorrow night.

I am trying not to mind read or expect any kind of action or words from her; good, bad or indifferent. Trying to believe in me and feel strong.

[gogofo]

Sunday went pretty good. I cleaned the house, did laundry, dishes, washed the puppy, etc. Just tried to stay busy and take my mind off of the situation.

Kids came home at about 3:00 and it was nice to have them back in the house and play with them. They can certainly lighten the mood.

I didn't move my into the basement bedroom. It didn't feel right and I don't fully understand my motives behind why I sometimes feel I should move bedrooms. One of my motives is to get a reaction out of my W, or hope for one anyways. I feel guilty at times that she is not sleeping in the master bedroom, but I tell myself it was her choice to sleep elsewhere. I am just torn about it, so I decided to stay put and keep exploring my feelings about it.

We accepted an offer on our house and sign the papers today at 1:00. This would have been a more exciting event, but with the situation now it just feel like the end of a sad chapter. I wish I felt better about what is ahead of me.

I was nervous and anxious for W to return last night, shows I need more detachment. I was excited to see her, but nervous about what she might say. I have the attitude of a beaten pup and I am worried that at any time she will bring out the "I signed the papers and you will be served". I don't want to feel this way.

Sometimes I feel empowered by my non-control of the situation and feel like opening my heart to her, telling her that I support and love her all the time, especially during times of duress. The attitude is if you already want to divorce, I will not be scared that me sharing my feelings will scare you away. Does sharing feelings scare the WAW away? I kind of tip-toe around her because I know my pushing creates stress, the last thing I want for us.

This is partially motivated by me reading books about the woman's mind; things about how women want to hear that we care about them and love them when times are bad, also things about how they want to be pursued when pushing us away.

Yes I am floundering and in a semi-panic mode about what is going on. So I am looking to educate myself about better understanding what she may be thinking and feeling. I have an engineering mind so I feel there is never enough data.

When she came home I had just finished a sandwich, so I offered and made her one. She told me about her horrible flight with a needy passenger having a tantrum and forcing herself to throw up and acting like a spoiled 3 year old, even though she was 73.

We still share nice conversation, I probably put too much stock in this but it makes me hopeful for us still.

When she said she was going to bed I offered her to sleep in the master and if my presence there was too much I would sleep elsewhere. She said "its okay", I responded with "are you sure" and then just dropped it.

Right now I am going with the "no plan" plan and hope to keep the road paved smooth. I plan on still keeping the house kept up like I had before, cook and clean like I had before, etc. I feel like if I stopped it would be out of punishment, that is not me. Just trying to keep her life at the house stress free and a place to relax, the idea being it is contradictory to her feelings of chaos from our M that she talked about.