Heather's Prison Break

[123Gwen]

So great to hear how you are doing!

[Matt165]

Nice to have you back, Heather. Glad to hear that things at the paper are better and Mr. Perfectionist has backed off. I will say you are sounding much better and seem to be getting stronger. Hang in there, you'll find your way with D12, you know you will!

[LoisB]

Thanks so much, I appreciate all the thought of goodwill.

Sooooo much :-)

Ok. So, over the years, I gathered all these books on procrastination and writer's block...mainly because I was so afraid that Smokey would leave me if I didn't conquer this demon. Go figure! He was excellent at finding my weakest link and aiming all his focus on the target so I wouldn't even think twice about HIS character defects.

Anyway...One of the books I purchased talks about a common theme among some procrastinators and it really fits for me...

Sometimes your instincts tell you that success will cause you harm in your relationships. So, a procrastinator will try to do it all and, hence, avoid the success that would come from truly throwing everything into achieving a goal.

This really fits for me. I know that, previous to motherhood, I was incredibly ambitious. In fact, I was a grad assistant working on my Master's when I became pregnant with D20. I was actually relieved when I got pregnant because I was burned out with being the ambitious, go-getter.

Now, I had watched my mother throw herself into starting a business to the absolute neglect of myself and my brother and sister. She left us to the care of a crazy stepdad. I picked up a lot of the slack with my siblings.

I've got to compartmentalize and allow myself to throw myself into my job during the designated time. D12 will be OK. I can schedule time for her, so she has a fulfilling life too. I think a weekly schedule is important so that I know she will be cared for and she will get her schoolwork done.

It's physically painful to me when I even imagine D12 is suffering because of me.

With D20 gone, it's easier for me to fix this particular problem.

And, yesterday was a perfect example...D12 is complaining last night that she just wants to hang out with someone her own age. OK. Everytime this comes up, I say, "Well, there's dance class and there's an art class that starts on Monday...let's sign you up and you can make some friends." Silence.

It's not my responsibility if she is unwilling to take the risks to make some friends. I can't do it all for her.

I'm going to sign her up for Art Class today.

If I plan for 1-2 hours each evening where we hang out and read or watch T.V. plus one or two outings during the weekend...is that enough of my undivided attention? I honestly don't know.

I do know that I wake up each morning dreading the day because I know there's more than I can possibly get done perfectly. I know I will have to choose and I feel like Sophie in Sophie's Choice. Choosing my job over my kid feels so wrong. I know the pain of being pushed aside by my mother.

But, this isn't the same. Is it?

[job]

Heather,
Your D12 relies on you to be her constant companion because you are safe and familiar. She's not going to go out on a limb and meet someone. I think the art class is a perfect way for her to meet other children her own age. There's always dance class, but what are her other interests? You have to remember that she's been use to having other children in the home for a number of years and her attention was on them. Now, the house is quiet and there aren't other children around, so she's looking for not only the "white noise" but others to interact with. Hobbies are great and if you check around your area, you may find some other activities that she may be interested in.

In today's society, both parents almost have to work outside the home. The reality in your situation is that you have no choice but to work and ensure that your children have a safe and stable home life. As long as you have activities lined up for your D12, i.e. school work, as well as other activities, spending time w/her in the evening and doing things w/her on the weekends, both of you should be okay. The young lady you have coming to your home will be good company for your D12 as well. The time w/her will give her something to think about and look forward to the visits.

You are not pushing your daughter aside. You have a job to work and during that time, your focus has to be on work. Check in w/her on during breaks and lunch times. Once you are home, your focus will be on you and your D12. It's going to work out. This is a new learning curve for both of you.

Just keep in mind, pushing your child away is not having much, if anything. to do w/them. You aren't doing that. What you are doing is entirely different because you are a caring and loving mother who is trying to find a balance for both your D12 and yourself. Never doubt what you are doing.

[Shining]

Heather, I'm so glad to see you back!!!!! The boards are not the same without you. I'm amazed at your progress. So happy for you and all you've accomplished thus far. Keep going!! The world is yours!

[LoisB]

Thank you Shining and Job,

Job, you woulda been proud of me last night.

D20 called in a panic because she arrived to move into her new place in P.A. and the landlord wouldn't let her in. She hadn't paid the deposit of $250.

I told her that I was sorry, but couldn't help her.

She figured it out and will have to call my dad to release some more of the funds from her college account. My dad thinks she is enrolled in community college. She will have to tell him that she isn't. She begged me to tell her what to say. I said, "Tell the truth."

I was reminded of the drama that comes with D20.

What's been hard is the fact that D20 always rallies her troops when she is in trouble. She is great at convincing others how she is the victim and not to blame for her troubles. This family she has been staying with for the past week has been taking her out to dinner and helping enormously. I know she has given them all the dirty details of our lives and how I used her college fund for an attorney and I still don't have consistent support, how I'm impossible to get along with, etc...It's been hard knowing she has altered the truth to suit her purposes...sound familiar?

Last night was some validation that she has some things to sort out...and, it's not all my fault. I know this in my head, but not necessarily my heart. She asked me to open the bill from the landlord which was still here. It was highlighted where she was supposed to pay $250 before moving in. Somehow, she got into the place without paying.

What's hard is seeing her struggle with the same issues I'm still struggling with...prioritizing, organizing, procrastinating...

Anyway. I DIDN'T RESCUE HER! She will have to sort this one out on her own. She gave me a teaser/hint with, "It would all be so much easier if I could call people. But, because I don't have the phone plan, I can't." I didn't bite. She has $12 in the bank and I'm sure some money was spent going out and so forth.

From reading this book on procrastination, I'm seeing I have a few things to put my focus on...LOVING MYSELF NO MATTER WHAT. And, looking hard at what reinforces/refreshes me.

I noticed that, in the book, the author discusses how procrastinators need to reward themselves with things like visits with friends and time on the phone. Well, I'm a bit weird in this respect.

Things that refresh me:

-Time alone with my own thoughts.
-Laying in bed, taking a bubble bath.
-Face creams, lotions, scrubs...
-Fluffy robes and pretty nightgowns.
-Flea market/yard sale shopping with $20 in my pocket.
-Craigslist.

I think the key is loving myself enough to give myself some rewards. I think that with this stressful job and single parenting, I have to focus my time somewhat in reverse. I need to plan for the good stuff in order to motivate myself for the drudgery.

[LoisB]

And, I HAVE GOT TO STOP PUNISHING MYSELF WHEN I DON'T DO THINGS PERFECTLY ON A PERFECT SCHEDULE AND/OR I DROP THE BALL AFTER MAKING PROGRESS.

I need to be kind with myself. I came by these habits as a way to survive some terrible circumstances. I was just reading how sleeping is the best thing you can do when stressed. Bio-chemically, your body will repair the damage and sorta reboot when it sleeps. So, my habit of retreating to bed has, maybe, saved my a$$ all these years. So, I need to stop beating myself up for coming up with some fairly smart ways to survive a lot of stress. I just have to adjust things a bit. Not everything. A lot of what my instincts tell me to do is very keen and important to my getting into a zone to get my writing done.

I'm at my best when I am quiet, alone, have time to work out my thoughts, relaxed...Some of what looks like sheer laziness to the rest of the world, in my case, is how I process a lot of overwhelming information and get through/problem solve.

I need to trust that right now.

[job]

Heather,
I am not surprised at all that D20 called you. I think I posted that not long ago and she wanted you to rescue/fix her problems. I'm very proud of you that you told her to tell the truth and now, she needs to figure things out for herself. She's learning the hard way, but I can promise you this...when she's finally learned the lessons, she will not make the same mistakes over and over again.

As for the phone issue...she'll figure it out. Once she has money in hand, she can go purchase a track phone and purchase minutes or she can open her own account and learn to pay her bill herself. Her learning has started.

I wouldn't worry too much about how she paints you or her home life. Eventually people will figure her out and know that life wasn't so bad for her. Her troops will eventually realize what is real and what is Memorex when it comes to her drama...but it will take time. Her temper will get the best of her and she can't control it and that will be seen by all in due time.

It's time that Heather pamper herself just a bit. It's time that Heather realized that she is a good woman who has been tossed many rotten apples and it's time to make applesauce!
It's time that Heather learn to love herself and accept the fact that there is absolutely nothing that is "perfect" in this world. No one is perfect and that's why God made erasers.

Enjoy the rest of your day.

[LoisB]

Thank you Job. :-)

I have had the most awesome morning :-)

I woke up all overwhelmed and discouraged. Same ol' Same ol'

A million things running through my head. All of these Shoulds and more Shoulds and, then, some more Shoulds...

So, I stopped. Just stopped it.

With the very first issue I was asked to put out in October, I froze. I went into the office and sat there and froze. So, I sat there, realizing I wasn't getting anything done and knew I needed to get somewhere quiet and put the paper together in peace. That's when Perfectionist Editor panicked because he couldn't find me. I had retreated in order to gain some clarity and the get the job done.

He panicked. He pulled in the reigns on that very first deadline...actually it was the day before deadline and I became a hamster on a wheel ever since...Trying to be here and drive there and do this and do that to make the powers that be happy.

So, this morning. I did what I had wanted to do that first morning...albeit I wasn't anywhere as prepared in October as I am now...I retreated. It's 1 p.m. and I have 2/3's of the newspaper ready for captions and proofs.

I did what works for ME. I didn't pressure myself to get all dressed and made up and drive another 40 minutes where I need to get settled all over again and situated, etc... I stayed put. Had my coffee, started slowly and built momentum until Page 3 was done by 9:30 a.m. Then, I put things in place for Page 4. Then, Page 8 and so on...

The tutor came today and was WONDERFUL with D12. WONDERFUL. D12 had, probably the best day she has had since we arrived. Schoolwork is done and so are chores. The jury is still out on this tutor/girl's reliability...but, man do I like what I see. She is so good with D12. She has her going to the art classes tomorrow that D12 stomped and ranted about yesterday. She is going tomorrow!! To art class with a bunch of other kids her own age!!!

I still have to go out this afternoon/evening to get some pics and I have to write my column. But, man! This is the best prepared I've been since I started. And! It's all local news!! Haven't borrowed a single story from the Times :-)

Atta Girl Heather!!

[LoisB]

And, another miracle to report:

A strange one...

So, last night at church, I had this clear message from God, my Higher Power, my inner spirit guide...call it what you will...

I was overcome, like I am often in church, with the grief of losing my husband. I had, as always, my notebook with me and I started just jotting down what came up. There was this crystal clear message..."Nothing has changed. Go back in time to those feelings. Nothing has changed. What was true at 12, 16, 18, 20 is still true for the two of you. Dig deeper. Reach out with love. Ground yourself in love. Appearances are deceiving. The devil is a liar. Reclaim the girl you were back then. Go back to her Heal her and he will follow. He needs a leader. It's never too late."

OK. So, I've had these messages from time-to-time...sometimes when I'm overwhelmed and want a fantasy of a man who will rescue me. This wasn't the case. This was more like the time when I was driving after a convo with D20 and I felt this huge nudge to tell him he was loved.

So, I'm in this good place and this morning...I reach out to Smokey. "How are you?"

He responds with some confusion and asks about the girls. I give him some honest assessments of where the girls are at...without too much detail.

He responds with some a-hole remarks on how to parent them...D12 needs to go back to school...blah, blah, blah...

I respond calmly...I've met with the superintendent and she has a school psychologist as a counselor...we are all in agreement we need to take this in steps...

He responds with more parental advice..."Well, she needs socialization..."

I respond calmly..."D12 is actually very adept socially. She's not the girl you knew--that's not a jab, just the truth. It's the math and writing skills she needs to work on in order to mainstream."

He asked about D20. I was honest. I didn't come out and say that she was alcoholic, but I did make it clear that she has some similar struggles to her dad.

I wasn't perfect. In a few instances, I shoulda probably shut up. But, it was the best interaction...as far as I'm concerned...for a long time....maybe ever. I was able to meet him as a flawed human being instead of focusing on the rejection. Wow. And, man is he out there.

Giving me parental advice as if he has this great handle on what his kids need. It was pretty sad.

Now, here's the thing. I said what I needed to say and he was the world's biggest d-bag. As per usual.

But, here's the miracle!!! I'm OK>>>>>I mean, I'M MORE THAN OK!!

I let him know he was loved no matter what...but, that I was still divorcing his a$$ and had no problem standing up for myself and the girls. But, I was honest and kind and told him he will always be loved.

And, he rejected me with his adolescent banter which gave me every indication of where he is at. Adolescence, still...

His final remark was, "Everybody has a right to their opinion. Later."

I didn't respond!

Didn't feel any attraction at all...Hardly any hurt. Just sad and the "WOW! reality of how immature this man is...I tell him I love him and how the kids love him and he responds with anger. He is so angry and hurt that he needs to reject me again in a very adolescent way. Shut me down.

The tone of the conversation made it clear that he feels very rejected and abandoned.

Anyway...don't want him the way he is today...no wayyyyyy, no hooowwwww...in fact, he made me think of some other men in a better light...sorta lightyears ahead of him...but, I did what God asked. I reached out with love and I didn't feel it necessary to have the last word.

I suppose, if this man every reaches a bottom...at least he will know I loved him.

Don't plan on continuing this conversation. It was too distracting and too unnerving. I will allow him to reach out if and when he is ready. But, I made it clear I'm not holding any grudges.

AND!!! The biggest part of all this?? I was able to compartmentalize the business side of this and the feeling side...This was the emotional side.

But, I told him I'd be in touch this week with an email about the business side of things.

Life is ok today.