Heather's Prison Break

[LoisB]

And, no, the tools weren't worth $10k.

A big chunk of what he is claiming was his..in actuality, was stuff I inherited from my grandmother because she owned the house when we bought it. It was stuff already there.

At most? $2K...and that may be high. It was all stuff sitting out in a barn without a door and a leaky roof.

[job]

Heather,
They get fixated on one thing and they stay on it. You've told him the truth about the tools and he can't accept the reality of what he's done. He left you and the kids w/basically very little income and you had to do something in order to get some help.

I really do understand what you are saying. I've been there and done that. My xh was the same way and only fixated on a plastic Easter Egg that his mother gave to me that was worth about $2.00. That's all my lawyer and I heard for months on end until he got it. It's like they have to have something to hold on to and when it's gone, the connection/thread has been broken.

Yes, you have to feel sorry for them, but not sorry enough to cave and give them everything. You can have compassion for them, but you can't be their door mats. Your h, like many other spouses, have lost everything and for what? Something "new" or a wonderful new life which turns out isn't any brighter or more promising than the one they left behind? They had choices and they certainly made the wrong ones. Now, they have to figure out how to go on w/their lives because we, the fixers, are no longer there to bail them out of their messes.

Sit quietly, more will be revealed in time. No more discussions w/him about the tools. Let the investigator break the cold, hard facts to him. Maybe he'll listen to what he has to say.

Keep the focus on you and your life. His is a mess and will continue to be so until he faces reality and truly works on himself.

[LoisB]

Yep.

That's been the change I noticed this week with my interactions with him.

I've been able to separate the business from the emotion.

This week...it was clear as a bell how desperate and sad he is. I finally got to that place that I've seen you and Bea and the veterans describe...It's like breaking through this wall of grief and rejection where you finally see them for who they really are today.

This isn't the guy who surprised D20 with a dollhouse when she was 4. This isn't the guy who took D12 to the store when he needed some tool and came home with a Barbie Jeep...or surprised D12 with a puppy or came home with a hamster.

This man is very sick and sad and desperate.

For once, I could see myself turning him away in favor of a healthy relationship or choosing to be alone because I'm not able to tolerate that kinda crazee anymore.

Love him, hurt some for the pain he must be in...but, not allowing him to drive my bus into hell.

AND!! I wasn't scared by the insurance investigator. I actually enjoyed the opportunity to give someone the facts. It's just one more headache to handle.

Now, I gotta focus on some work issues. Yesterday, all the editors and publisher were acting kinda weird.

Then, I found out this morning that an obit didn't run. Better not get blamed for that one. Not my department.

[job]

I'm very glad you have finally scaled the mountain and are sitting at the top looking at your h as he is today, not what he was in the past. It takes a long time to get to that place, but everyone will eventually.

They are very broken, sad and yes, desperate. Money tends to be the root of many of the discussions we all have had w/them. Money to them equates to power and fun. Sad, but money can run out if you don't manage it properly. It's not how much money you have, but what you do w/it that counts.

Well, the investigator now has the information from you, the one living in the house at the time of the tool saga. No, your h didn't plan on him contacting you, but they don't leave any stones unturned when it comes to paying out for loss, damage or stolen goods.

Focus on work today. You had a lot going on yesterday, but look at how well you handled all of it. I'm very proud of you. There was a time you would have been in a tail spin...not any longer.

Hang in there!

[LoisB]

OMG. Why does this all happen at once?

Now, I'm feeling a bit squirrelly.

So, I never mentioned yesterday that the realtor sent me some edocs to sign.

Well, they wouldn't download...which is a miracle. Because he sent them again and I read them...yesterday was deadline--didn't have time.

Today, I look them over. It says, "Seller will provide certified check for $5000 at time of sale." Wha???

The profit on the house was only $6K.And, it's in escrow.

The plot continues to thicken.

Apparently, the lender wouldn't ok the sale because we have pond water at the old house and it isn't hooked up to the county water. We (I guess that includes me?) agreed to pay for half the county water install...When exactly did I agree?

And, who is paying the $5k?

[LoisB]

I told the realtor, "I need something that says Smokey is responsible for the $5k."

[Wet]

Hi Heather, check the Purchase Agreement. These sort of details are usually spelled out in the Purchase Agreement, including the Seller's responsibility to pay for things like installing water. You should also check out with your realtor or closer to see how long the escrow will hold before sending you the funds. Good luck.

[LoisB]

The realtor says the money will be coming out of the proceeds of the sale.

But, the purchase agreement...which I'm supposed to sign off on says the seller will supply a certified check at the time of sale for $5K.

[job]

I would go back and question this w/the realtor. Maybe that can come off the top of the sale or from the escrow account. If there is $6,000 sitting in escrow, maybe they can work that out w/o bugging you.

[LoisB]

Ok. So, it will come out of the $6K that was meant to be the profit. No wonder Smokey is smoking :-)

That leaves about $1K from the sale of the house...Definitely not enough to pay a pricey atty or any amount the court may force Smokey to pay (tuition he promised/deferred comp he used)...Which explains the insurance fraud which explains the ins. investigator's phone call which explains...the house that Smokey built.