I doubt you will ever be able to think or even guess to what's going on in her head.
Don't get excited over anything just yet. Of course she knew it wasn't alright with you for her to see OM. She wanted to know what you would do....if anything. Now comes the test.
BTW, stop having R talks with her that are not inside the counselor's office. You said yourself, they are not accomplishing anything. Besides, she's still not in piecing. She wants to see OM outside of work!
The MC suggested we stop having those R talks also, for the same reason. It makes for uncomfortable silences at times since that seems to be all she wants to talk about, but oh well. I see small shifts in her rhetoric, she talks about getting on with life, etc. I know better than to put too much stock in anything, but it is a shift.
OM came and went without them having any meaningful conversation either during or after business hours. If he follows true to form he should be coming back in 8 - 12 weeks. Her reaction to not being able to talk to him was interesting..."It is what it is" was her exact quote. Not that I believe much of what she says, but it was awfully level-headed, especially for her. She's not exactly exuberant but she's not curled up on the bed crying either.
Before I forget...GAL update! I've been looking for jobs at a different company (same geographic area)...finally have a phone interview scheduled for next week.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
"It is what it is" was her exact quote. Not that I believe much of what she says, but it was awfully level-headed, especially for her. She's not exactly exuberant but she's not curled up on the bed crying either.
Well, my first thought is that OM may have been the one to by-pass that little meeting where she wanted clarity. But I hope you are correct in what you see. Maybe both of you passed your tests. She tested you, and I know she was tested.
It will be good if OM will stay gone for at least 12 weeks. It took like 4 months of hard withdrawals for me. And that was with absolutely NC with OM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well, my first thought is that OM may have been the one to by-pass that little meeting where she wanted clarity. But I hope you are correct in what you see. Maybe both of you passed your tests. She tested you, and I know she was tested.
It will be good if OM will stay gone for at least 12 weeks. It took like 4 months of hard withdrawals for me. And that was with absolutely NC with OM.
It didn't occur to me, but it's entirely possible that OM was the one uncomfortable with the idea of meeting up after hours. It's not like he didn't have the opportunity to set something up.
I see subtle changes in W's rhetoric. She talks more about improving our lives. Her words. She said (and acted like) she was somewhat relieved when OM left town.
It seems that she's tired of feeling the way she does and want's to get her life back. I hope that's the case. I said in MC a few days ago that my goal was no longer to save the marriage per se, but rather "clarity" about where we're supposed to be. She admitted to me that hearing that was a wake-up call to her. It's almost like it never crossed her mind that I could be the one to decide our marriage wasn't working instead of her. She point blank told me that she was frightened by that prospect. Whether she's actually afraid of losing me, or just afraid of being alone not on her terms, that's anyone's guess. It was my way of telling her that I've dropped my attachment to any one outcome.
My struggle right now is to NOT attack the OM. I've been very, very bad at that. It seems like whenever he came up I just lost control of my tongue. I know that for us to succeed I'm going to need to find a way to put that aspect of our issues in the past. My open hatred for OM was starting to eat me up and it was putting a wedge between me and W.
She's still unhappy. She's very open about being lost and lonely. The difference now is that she's finally acknowledging that I might feel the same way. It took only four months for her to figure out that I have feelings too
Last edited by Rzrback; 01/23/1510:26 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Geez. Got dragged into another R talk. She's overwhelmed with our problems, she's panicky, etc.
She reiterated yet again how she doesn't trust me, isn't in love with me, and can't get it back. I asked her if that was how she truly felt, the why was she sticking around? She basically told me it was because she couldn't take care of herself and didn't have any better prospects.
I got mildly annoyed at D15 because she wanted me to drop everything and drive her across town to hang with a friend. W said I got irritated because I resented being a father.
I am so sick of spew
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
This may be a better question for the men. Is it common to feel like you have no libido when you're going through a sitch like this. I think Amy Adams could come sit on my lap right now and it wouldn't do anything for me.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
It's almost like it never crossed her mind that I could be the one to decide our marriage wasn't working instead of her. She point blank told me that she was frightened by that prospect. Whether she's actually afraid of losing me
Have you listened to anything Starsky or I have said? JK, we just happen to bring that point up quite often to newcomers.
Quote:
Geez. Got dragged into another R talk. She's overwhelmed with our problems, she's panicky, etc.
She reiterated yet again how she doesn't trust me, isn't in love with me, and can't get it back. I asked her if that was how she truly felt, the why was she sticking around? She basically told me it was because she couldn't take care of herself and didn't have any better prospects
.
I don't know what to tell you that hasn't already been said. STFU with the R talks! What does it take to get that through you skull? And stop blaming her for "dragging" you into it. She didn't force you to say anything.
Look, she is probably feeling a bit panicky and doubting that she made the right decision about OM (if she did indeed make it). She is trying to verbally hash it out by bringing up the same old stuff. I told you she would be depressed. SHE'S DEPRESSED! What the heck did you expect, a party? She wants to know she's made the right choice. So act like the right choice!
I know exactly how she feels. I felt the same way about my H and had plenty of doubts, too. I had no positive or good feelings toward him. I had no hope in the MR getting better, but I could not make it on my own financially. I felt trapped and couldn't breathe. Baically felt my life was over. In other words, I was not a happy camper! However, I was here. Your W is still there. .
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
This may be a better question for the men. Is it common to feel like you have no libido when you're going through a sitch like this. I think Amy Adams could come sit on my lap right now and it wouldn't do anything for me.
I don't think Betty White would be safe on my lap right now. My sitch is different though. Seems like a good topic for a man cave.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
