Gogofo - LRT letter - planning a new beginning

[gogofo]

Here is my rough draft for my LRT letter. I welcome any and all critiques.

W

I know that you are done with our relationship and will be moving on. I would like to share with you some thought and feelings I have regarding things I did that were hurtful to you in our relationship.

I was stubborn and opinionated; you always had to make a big presentation and never got your way. I never said “okay, if that is what you want.” I never compromised on anything. I treated you like a commodity, you felt like the only way I would do something was if I would get something in return. I was selfish and never considered your wants or needs, it was me first.
I kept you tied down and controlled you schedule; you were not free to do as you wanted or desired because you were constantly waiting for me to do something or make up my mind. The socializing stopped and freedom was lost to see friends and family. The fun times stopped or were ruined by me and my selfish, controlling attitude. I was controlling, you never got anything your way because “I” new better. You were not respected and shown respect. I would start projects and never finish anything creating pandemonium and unneeded stress in the house and the relationship by having our lives in a state of limbo. I controlled the money and made you feel like you were not an equal in the relationship. I kept taking more and more from the relationship and stopped giving. I did not value your opinion, ideas, or influence, anything you liked was dumb or stupid or not good enough for me. My ideas and opinions were superior to yours. I took you for granted and never returned the love and respect and care you selflessly gave to me over the years. You gave me everything and I never gave anything back. I stopped having my own life and instead adopted yours which made you have no space or freedom or privacy or time alone. I did not communicate with you, you never had any idea what I was thinking or doing, you had to pry everything out of me, you felt alone in the relationship. I did not listen to you, when you told me what you want it did not matter because it was not what I wanted to do, provide, think, etc.
I killed all dreams with negativity and left no hope for future but work and no fun. I had actions towards you that made you feel worthless and unlovable and caused tremendous emotional pain and scaring. I did not continue with dating you and the romance was gone in our relationship. I never made the time or effort for you and us that I would have for work or any other obligation.

For all of the above, and more, I ask for your forgiveness. If you think that this is manipulation on my part, it is not. It is simply to let you know that I get it.

Despite how unhappy you have been in our relationship, your 10 year commitment to us has been remarkable. Although I don’t think that divorce is the solution to our problems, I love you and respect you enough to let you go if that is what you choose.

As painful and difficult as this situation has been, the blessing in disguise is that it has been a wakeup call and is leading me to the person I want to be, either alone or in a future relationship.

Please do not respond to this letter.

After writing all of this it helps me with seeing her perspective a little easier.

[Wonka]

GoFo,

This isn't a real LRT letter, but a renumeration of faults that tells her that you haven't changed. What makes you think that W will have a "lightbulb moment" after reading the letter and falling down on her knees begging you to take her back?!

A quick glance at the letter tells me it's overly focused on "I" and too much on the negative aspects. And WTH about your comment "please do not respond to the letter"???

One final thing, what do you HOPE to achieve by composing this so-called LRT letter to W? (pssst...it's not a LRT letter)

ACTIONS...actions. Not empty words.

[Sotto]

Hi Gogofo

Please, whatever you do, don't send that letter. If I received that, it would reinforce to me that I was right to go. Why are you thinking about an LRT letter anyway? As Wonka says, this is about actions and not words.

I think you need to go back to the LRT sections in the books and have another look at them - back to DB 101 basics.

Hold yourself back from wanting to lay yourself and your mistakes bare and focus on actions to improve yourself.

[edz]

Hi Gogofo

not posted in your thread before but taking a look at the letter above I'd have to agree with Toots and Wonka. The letter is a reinforcement of any issues she may have had, I wrote something similar pre-db and it just got taken as an aknowledgement that I was wrong not that I could 180 on any of them. Its the slow road of faking till you make it/showing those that possibly may may a difference to her but will make a difference to you.

I suspect you and I have had similar feelings on our WAS'es from time to time (I still do 6 months in) and I have a "mr fixit" in my psyche I've written about in my threads. Try to build a box and put him in there when you think about too much sharing. Some is ok in the right context of warm communication preferably initiated by WAS but this letter doesn't seem, to me, to be something to help you out.

Take care.

[sandi2]

I am also singularly task focused, not able to have too many things going on. I either work on me or the M, not both.

Can you walk and chew gum at the same time? . I am a very multitask person, so that is a strange concept for me to understand how you see the two not overlap to a large degree. In other words, if you really changed, it would influence the MR. The MR can show you the areas you need to change.

If that is the case, how do hold down a job? How do you teach/train your children? Your MR would always suffer if you could not work on it as you work on other areas of your life.

I told my W that I really enjoyed one night when after being out with her friends she called and asked if she could come over. We had a beer and slept in the same bed, me with my arm around her and her holding it. It felt so great and powerfully loving.

Her response put me into perspective very clearly. She said "yeah, but you couldn't be satisfied with that, you kept needing more."

Please get this! Do you understand how serious this one change could make such a major difference in your MR? When she feels she is giving all that she can for that point & time.......you shoot it down b/c you want more, more, more, more and more. This will not work with a WAW, I promise you. You need to get your sh't together about this.

W said we do better separated because I am not focused on fixing the R, but on just me. She is right. The trouble is that now it seems I am out of my second, third, or fourth chances.

Most people do not have a second chance, much less three or four. If you continue to make the same mistakes b/c you have not changed........what do you really expect from her?

I do need more to grow and change. I think she is right that I would not or can not change when we are together in the same house.

So when you R, you will be focused on the M again and fall back into the same on patterns......b/c you can't focus on improving yourself and the M at the same time. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but this just looks like you are finding excuses. I don't remember anyone saying they are so singular task based they can't work on themselves and their M. If that were true, then your M would stifle every other area in your life.

[gogofo]

About the LRT letter

I do not plan to give her the letter. After writing it and reading it I see how bad it looks. The language, except the middle section with all the "I" in it, was directly from my DB coach. The list was supposed to be the the faults I see within myself, but I think I missed the point of this part of the letter completely.

What I would have hoped to achieve with the letter was that the W would understand I see where my issues are and that I see her perspective. I would also hope that she would not go through with the D, but instead want to work on us. HA! Wishful thinking I know.

The "please do not respond to this letter" was part of the script given to me by my DB Coach. She said ONLY give her the letter if I truly believe all of it.

I wrote the letter as an exercise to bend my mind into her perspective.

Thanks for the 2x4s.

As far as actions go, I am submitting an offer on a house. The speed at which I am making the decision and offer on the house is really out of character for me.

The old me would have had to think and think and think about it and then re-examine the whole situation and decision, and back around again. All talking and thinking and no action. This time I am dropping the hammer and just doing it. Big 180 for me. Part of it is because I feel backed into a corner, but another part of it is because I want to do it this way. I could move back into my parents, etc. but I want to provide a good house for me and my kids.

It is bitter sweet because it feels like taking this step is also getting me closer to D.

Got loan info on Monday night, looked at house and got a prequal letter on Wednesday, submit offer on Thursday. This is super speed for me.

[gogofo]

Can you walk and chew gum at the same time? . I am a very multitask person, so that is a strange concept for me to understand how you see the two not overlap to a large degree. In other words, if you really changed, it would influence the MR. The MR can show you the areas you need to change.

If that is the case, how do hold down a job? How do you teach/train your children? Your MR would always suffer if you could not work on it as you work on other areas of your life.

There were times before where work was the priority and I did not do any work on the MR. That is one of the reasons I am here and facing D.

I never got comfortable with the pace of piecing. I would feel good and then think, well its time to turn it up a little bit. I needed to learn to spread myself out more instead of worrying or focusing on one thing.

Please get this! Do you understand how serious this one change could make such a major difference in your MR? When she feels she is giving all that she can for that point & time.......you shoot it down b/c you want more, more, more, more and more. This will not work with a WAW, I promise you. You need to get your sh't together about this.

This is a big 2x4 area, probably the biggest issue for me and where I need to grow the most. This is where my actions make her feel that she is not good enough for me. I need the "keep calm and carry on" sign tattooed in my brain. I need to stop pushing the limits or trying to maximize everything.

Most people do not have a second chance, much less three or four. If you continue to make the same mistakes b/c you have not changed........what do you really expect from her?

Whack! Now I have a better perspective of why she says that nothing has changed. Why can I not just enjoy what I have instead of constantly reaching for more?

So when you R, you will be focused on the M again and fall back into the same on patterns......b/c you can't focus on improving yourself and the M at the same time. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but this just looks like you are finding excuses. I don't remember anyone saying they are so singular task based they can't work on themselves and their M. If that were true, then your M would stifle every other area in your life.

It is a choice that I make. I drop and give up everything else I have going on and put all of my effort into the MR and do not do anything for myself. It does sound harsh, but I like harsh. I better understand the message when it is harsh. Thinking about it now, it seems like I only get a message when delivered with a 2x4. Wow, I must be frustrating to deal with. I am pretty embarrassed and disappointed with myself about this fact.

I have issues with taking time for something I want to do for myself. I feel guilty about having fun and I feel like I am taking away from something others may have wanted to do. I feel selfish about it even though a lot of the books I have read say that taking time to be selfish allows the MR and R with kids, etc. to grow.

I need to do more me things to better myself. If I better myself it will improve every relationship that I have and improve my life even more. Now I just need to remember this.

[edz]

What I would have hoped to achieve with the letter was that the W would understand I see where my issues are and that I see her perspective. I would also hope that she would not go through with the D, but instead want to work on us. HA! Wishful thinking I know.

Vets will correct me if I'm wrong but outside of MC the only thing that's going to get through in any way (if anything can) is your behaviour and actions and even then its not guaranteed. Thats why 180s should be to change you for the better to redirect from destructive or toxic behaviours for you, the kids and anyone who will be important to you in the future. W may pick up on them but have no expectations of that for your own sanity.

Not trying to be harsh, just recognise so much of what I was thinking and doing and I remember the pain it caused me. I will suggest the impossible, try to relax a little. There are a lot of good things in your sitch but stop trying to accelerate and fix others.

I had many a 2x4 on that. I know, I so know that the "mr fixit" wants to explain, take ownership and explain a plan to correct all the issues and get things running smoothly. Unfortunately in my case at least w isnt broken and in need of repair, the r was in fact flatlined and is no more (e.g. she walked out with no intention of returning). May be possible for us to start a new one and save the marriage itself, that remains to be seen.

Congrats on getting going with the house, new space even if its old space redecorated does help, I know that from experience. Just be careful on changing everything about yourself too quickly

Hang on in there but relax a little.

[gogofo]

I agree with the fact that actions are the only thing that works. My DB Coach suggested the LRT letter as a hail Mary pass that may make the WAS change their mind about filing for D. She said in one situation the WAW read the letter from her husband and felt for the first time there was hope because the H took ownership of his actions.

I do not think the letter would work in my situation or with my W. I think she would see it as manipulation.

Thanks for the advice of just needing to relax, I really do need to relax and stop with the expectations.

There was a study about expectations that was address on CBS Sunday Morning last weekend. The gist of it was that researchers found that people with low expectations are happier. Lower expectations make it more likely that an outcome will exceed those expectations and have a positive impact on happiness. Pretty good food for thought.

[Wonka]

GoFo,

The one way to show genuine change in how you interact with W is appreciating the moments you DO have with her. Be truly in the moment with W without any worries about how you're behaving or acting around her.

Don't try to grab a mile from an inch. That'll piss W off...as she did recently. How about a smile and say, "I had fun! Thanks for this" and then be the first to leave.

Can you do this??