Heather's Prison Break

[BrightFuture]

Heather, good to have you back here posting. I’ve been reading along, just don’t have time to post. Plus, you get a lot of good advice here and much needed support. I’m impressed with what you have accomplished so far. I agree with Mighty, see if you can work from home more.

[LoisB]

Um, just got a selfie texted to me by Smokey.

He looks old.

WTF??

Says he misses talking to me.

Dropping the ins. claim.

Sent me $350 and will send more next week.

[LoisB]

On a somewhat funny note...I was looking at my dating site this morning and deleting guys by looking at their pics. I would have deleted this guy's selfie.

[LoisB]

Please Note: For anyone who hasn't been at this long, read this post with a grain of salt. This isn't my first day at the MLC rodeo. I've been at this awhile. Smokey moved out 3 years ago this week-next week? I can't remember.

Anyway, I've learned that each MLC case is different and, sometimes, we have to make choices based on our relationship with our spouse.

I have been on an evolving journey in terms of standing up for my truth. I spent a lifetime being polite and putting my opinions, thoughts, feelings and needs aside. Speaking up is a part of my journey--especially lately.

With that said...I had the best day yesterday!

After finding out about the bank account yesterday, I was furious. FURIOUS. I have reached my limit with this dickk-head.

However, I found out, after, that the calendar page I recently worked so hard on recreating--well, the banner ad is sold for the next three weeks!! I, immediately, sent a message to the publisher and editors to toot my own horn. Received some nice feedback. :-)

Despite the bank account issues...I had promised D12 for months that I would take her to the mall yesterday. And, I was tired of breaking promises of fun to her because her d-bag father wouldn't step up and pay for his kids. I decided to go ahead with our plans.

We had a blast! Spent about $100, but it was worth every penny and I'm so glad we did it.

Before I left, however, I sent this email to Smokey...

Email: I really need for you to understand a few things about my situation and the girls. And, I really, really, need for you to remove the anger and whatever from your ears and hear the facts.

I'm not harboring any grudges. If you were that miserable with me, then I hope you have found what you were looking for in your new life. I'm angry about your dishonesty and how you went about things and how you seemed to rewrite our history to be full of misery--which, in my opinion, it wasn't. I think we had a beautiful family and some fairly normal family issues, but I do not and never will wish you ill will. You will always be my childhood friend, Smokey, and I will always want the best for you. And, the anger is slowly subsiding. Honestly.

I now know how resilient, smart, brave and amazing I really am. Same goes for our girls. They are amazing kids who have walked through some really tough situations.

I felt just as stuck as you did and now I'm not.

I like our new life. I love our new home. I watch the sun rise over the Adirondack mountains every morning. I've made plenty of new friends and I wouldn't have made any of these changes without you and (skank). I'm happy. I've learned so much. I've experienced a lot and I don't regret a single thing.

But, I need you to understand how your actions impact D12's life.

When I get a call on a Tuesday morning--deadline day--from an insurance investigator...that impacts D12's life. It makes it harder for me to focus on my job. It means I have to contact my atty...which means I have to pay more money for a divorce/dissolution which seems to never end. Then, when I'm already struggling to make ends meet...

First off, I'm still on probation at work. The stress of moving, starting a new job, the divorce, getting Louisa acclimated, handling Cal, handling the pets, etc...all took it's toll. And, the tone Jim took with the human resources v.p. (who is really good friends with the publisher of the paper) didn't help me any.

I was hired to act as editor for two newspapers. The second newspaper is in jeopardy, in part, because of my stress in handling a volatile divorce and the umpteen things I've had to deal with back in Ohio. I'm not blaming you. But, I need you to try to see things from my perspective.

You left me with a lot to handle and little money to do it with. I worked hard to makes some changes in my life.

Plus, I had to give my bosses info about the divorce because of the hearing scheduled on a deadline day. I put the newspaper together on Monday and Tuesday.

I interviewed for jobs in Ohio. With my qualifications, I had the opportunity to make the most money working for a newspaper or magazine. I interviewed for a reporter job in Millersburg that paid $25,000. If I really wanted to sock it to you, I coulda taken a much-less paying job. I didn't.

It cost $5,000 to move from Ohio. I had to borrow money from my dad.

I filed for divorce because I was advised, with your track record for support payments...that was my best option to make sure I received support money after I moved.

I, honestly, on the Bible, didn't earn the thousands you are claiming for any tools. I sold my wedding rings to pay for gas and repairs to the Jeep to get to my interview in N.Y.-- the tool bench (which was Lawson's and, thus, a piece I inherited because my grandmother owned the property)--I sold it for $200 to a good friend who repaired the barn roof. I also spoke to two?--at least one appraiser who assured me I was getting it's value at $200. You can do your own research on the piece. I put it on Craigslist, but only received calls from scammers. An appraiser at the Antique Mall finally put to rest any idea of getting thousands.

John has your toolbenches on wheels in return for the countless hours he put into helping me with yardwork and the house. I wouldn't have had firewood or a mowed lawn or even groceries at points without the Fxxs.

I've enclosed the timeline I presented to the investigator. I couldn't give it to the Judge because, without my being there, it was hearsay. Ten people came forward to provide their written testimony that what I said is what happened. I was advised to keep all this information from you because you have an aggressive attorney.

In truth, I bartered with neighbors who had helped us with yardwork, house repairs, barn roof repair and even groceries. I can't say if things were taken, because I'm not sure what was in the barn to begin with?? That was your domain.

Smokey, I caught you in our yard a 3 a.m. You said you had done this many times before. You took your Jeep CJ without my knowledge and sold it without giving me anything. You could have taken what you wanted in 2.5 years.

What you are claiming with the insurance is fraud. You know it. I'm assuming your atty's bill are probably going to come to around $10K? And, now you don't have any profit from the house. I still know you and your sneaky ways pretty damn well. Even if you don't want to admit it. Sorry.

This job pays $40,000 and I was to be given a pay hike after 3 months. That's shot to hell.

Fort Drum drives up the rents around here. I'm not ready to buy. I could have moved Louisa into an unsafe neighborhood in a run down apartment and still paid $1500 per month. Take a look online. There are apartment complexes that are cheaper, but I would have to move our daughter--used to 5 acres--and her rowdy dog into a complex in the city? I did what was best for D12. I hope you could understand that fact.

The Subaru. The Jeep needed lots of work. I drive 40 minutes to work...sometimes in whiteouts in an area which receives 200 inches of snow each year. I needed a reliable vehicle. I just did.

When I moved, I mapped out my expenses. I knew it would be tight for the first 6 months...but, when I factored in your $500 child support, I could do it. That $500 was based on my $40,000 income.

This is what I'm asking.

Can we please put this to rest?

I have a child who counts on me entirely right now. I have two cats and a dog (which you brought home)...I have a high rent and a car payment. This is the truth. I don't have anyone helping me with my rent. I have a preteen who wants skinny jeans and a trip to the mall just like all preteens.

Financially, you are in a much better situation than I am. I don't want anything that is unfair.

I'm soooooo tired of having to ask about support payments.

In some ways, I've made things so much easier for you. As I see it, you have a lower support payment and you can use me as an excuse for not seeing D12. Say what you want. Paint me as the bad guy. I don't care anymore. I have all the documentation showing my attempts to get you involved in her life. I have an email asking your parents to contact me to arrange visits...but, why go there? It's only going to do more damage to D12, for one. The house is almost gone...And, yes, you and Dani had to work to make it pretty for the realtor, but I cared for it for 2.5 years without help...sometimes without any financial help and a very small income.

Every day this goes on, your kids become more and more convinced you are bad news. D12 sees the stress. She posted on Twitter a pretty angry rant about how you used Midget2Toes as your Kik name. She is working through some very difficult feelings which I believe you, as a 12-year-old, understood personally.

She sees when I am upset because I can't pay my bills. The kids are so hurt by your abandoning them already. That's the cold, hard truth. You abandoned your kids. Proving your are right about some tools in a court of law isn't going to change that truth. It only makes them see you as someone who doesn't want them to move forward with their lives. Honestly, you haven't been a part of their lives for the good part of 3 years and you are fighting about paying child support until 21 on D12. That's just wrong. Maybe, if you had been a stand-up guy, it would be different...but, your kids have been through hell. You have become someone who creeps on your 20-year-old in order to find out information.

And, don't give me the b.s. about you can only get knocked on the head so many times. You no longer have the right to cry like a baby with me. Your character defects are now documented and out there for the world to see...You didn't pay her freaking tuition. You let her down in so many ways. If anyone beat their heads...it's been D20.

I'm willing to set aside everything except for child support and spousal support for now.

I need a break from this insanity. I do not want to go to mediation.

You're handwritten note-page proposal was silly.

I do not want to be on a family car insurance plan. I want a few months to get my own insurance. You can continue to pay for D20's if you so choose. But, that money for the Jeep's car insurance cannot be construed as child support for D12.

I want a check each month for $500 for D12...after I get car insurance. In the meantime, I would like to get the $400 you told the court you are paying me. Just for D12.

We could drag this out. I'm fairly certain that the court will give me a good deal and, I think you are beginning to see that. Your retirement is just a given.

All we have to do is agree to table the rest of the items, temporarily, and you agree to pay me $500 each month for D12 like you said in the note.

I'm asking for $600 per month in spousal support for five years. Factor in the hell the we've have been put through...I know you won't like it. I get that. But, I'm the mother of our children and I've worked hard. I'm still working hard. I have it documented where you have abstained yourself from being financially responsible in any way for D20. I have it documented where you simply removed yourself from their lives for months and months. I didn't do that. YOU DID. I have it documented where I asked you to become more involved, asked for set visitation, where I accepted your excuses when you canceled visits.

This is when you come back with a figure.

I've tolerated a lot from you...while we were together and while we are apart. I took the blame for a lot of stuff...you're affair, you're drug use, your lies... In some ways, I gave you everything you wanted/asked for...freedom from responsibility. I shouldn't have. But, I need your help to make this work. You had to clean a damn house with your girlfriend.

OH, and, you know, when we got married, you were clean. You promised to stay clean. You bailed on plenty of promises.

Please stop blaming me and help me, help our daughters.

I need a chance to get on my feet.

I love you and I will never accept that you are the guy who is wants to be a$$hat. You will always be the guy who dove into the lake to show off...and, brought home a Barbie Jeep and puppy for D12 ...In my opinion, I think the ball began rolling with some partying and whatever and you had no idea how to stop it. That's fine. The girls love you. Midge (dog) loves you...or could again if you were nice to her for 5 minutes. Prickers (cat hates you.

And, don't make me regret sending this. Seriously...

Please stop being a dickk. I know you aren't to be trusted right now...

But, dammit. This is so freaking complicated and expensive...

Thanks...oh, look, I added a "k" and a "s" and it didn't take me more than a fraction of a second!

[LoisB]

I responded to the text and said thanks for the check and the nice message.

He responded: The pic is so you could hang it on the wall and throw darts at it.

Me: Oh, it's already on the wall. ;-)

Smokey: That's really funny...

Then, asks me for D12's twitter account name because he wants to see the rant she left about him. He misses seeing face and wants to try to understand how she feels.

[kml]

Lol. Fascinating.

[LoisB]

To make it even stranger.

Yesterday morning, I'm listening to a sermon where the minister says, "God is unexpected. He will always surprise you."

[LoisB]

Dammit.

Just finished another texting convo.

Ok. This needs to stop. I stopped it. Said I needed to step back.

It was all about D12 so I felt compelled to keep talking...then, my feelings get all flustered.

Find my center. Breathing.

[beatrice]

Heather - I think the MLCers part time hobby is suckering us back in to extended conversations.

Your message, while excellent, was much too long. Communication with MLCers is best kept short - we tend to use it to offload a lot of deeply held feelings. They can't deal with that level of information for starters, let alone the complexity of emotion.

I begin by saying everything I want to say, then i cut it ruthlessly to up to three main points, and say each like a headline.

They aren't reading the editorial honey-child, and even the headlines are a stretch.

Most recently my xh contacted me to complain that I had singlehandedly alienated the children (now aged 35, 33 and 28 - go figure) and he wanted to have a relationship with them. He then told me that I had approached him to have this discussion (?) I simply said that whoever had done it, it was a honourable thing to do, which cut the ground from beneath his feet!

Didn't argue the toss about anything else - just sent a short and pleasant email saying that it wasn't very likely given their ages, and would he like us all to sit down together and talk it through? And even that probably overburdened the guy (he has a PhD and has published a number of books, so not generally stupid)

[LoisB]

Yep, Bea, I hear ya.

I was angry and it was more for my benefit than his. I vented on him.

I really need to step back now.

He did draw me in...much too easily.

I did what I needed...He knows how I feel. Now, back the eff off Heather.

And, from a scientific standpoint :-) I could see the fog rolling in on my own brain as the convo continued today.

I started off fairly grounded, accepting of what is, yadda...

Then, after talking to him, by focus shifted...began feeling driven to give him more and more information...unnecessarily and undeserved at this point.

That little girl got all jazzed up. Grown up Heather needs to sit that little girl down and give her a craft to work on.

Meanwhile, nothing has changed.

We've been through this a million times. Smokey has a moment of clarity and feels sorry for his actions...more likely, feels sorry for the consequences of his actions.

If it's a legit awakening, he needs to do the heavy lifting anyway. I can't help it along or fix it.

Other stuff to do.