I agree that they feel they have no choices. My W and I would talk about how we were going to do things and when she did the exact opposite, she would actually say "I can't help that I changed my mind", loudly and in a whiny tone. She can't help that she changed her mind about our M, about going to a lawyer, about waiting to file, you name it. My W really truly believes that she has no choice but to do whatever she "feels" at any given moment. They are the most helpless victims. If not of us then of their "feelings". MLC is about weakness, it's about fear and it's about a lack of control. They really think we "made" them do the awful things that they do. If it wasn't us then they would have to admit it was their own weakness' and they can't face up to those!
I would say that the victim card is an integral part of MLC: it is fine for them to do as they wish (or were 'driven to do' in their terms) but if others respond by not liking it, they have no right to their feelings.
The MLC is in a bubble, and they rearrange history to suit themselves.
It is frustrating, but as Job says, until they take a look in the mirror they will not change. None of what happens is down to them, and their choices. It is all the fault of how others responded to those choices.
So RL your xh will rewrite the past to make himself the good guy - note the 'you have changed'. They did nothing. Oh, and no-one else is 'allowed' to point out any contradictions in their changing stories. If we do we are twisting their words.
I have fully owned my share in anything that went wrong in the marriage, and offered on numerous occasions to sit down with a third party and discuss it, but nothing but him being totally right and everyone else who disagrees with anything being totally wrong will satisfy him. It is infantile beyond belief.
Gg, I am not sure that they do think at all. Everything is driven by emotion dressed up as reason. They are toddlers with an enhanced argumentative streak. but about as much rationality.
Toddlers are not noted for their forward planning, but they do tend to grow up unlike the MLCers.
Seriously. Does being the victim play into any of the stages? It almost seems like a stage unto itself.
Has anyone here heard of the victims triangle. LBS are also on the triangle as well. We chase our Tails around and around the triangle. Never really getting off. It is quite interesting.
Interesting on the victim triangle - my xh is trying to play it with no takers. And he is getting angrier and angrier.
When I suggested solution focus there was an attempt to pull it to Victim/Persecutor which he regards as much more fun. I think the point is that the Victim triangle participant is more interested in the drama and the avoidance of relationship than they are in moving forward with anything, and essentially acting like a grown up.
Once you see the game you realise it is everywhere!
OMG! He is just too funny. On the other hand, he's sly like a fox. He has nothing to really communicate w/you about, so he's posting about the snow. Now, he knows you won't go down there, but he's hoping you'll respond back to his note and will keep the banter going back and forth. He knows exactly what he's doing.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
