I'm trying like hell not to spiral. I even told her I needed a time out (as prescribed by our therapist) because I was starting to spiral. I want to be there for her, but I can't sit there and make her feel better about OM.
I think that's healthy, and appropriate.
My mentor here on this forum taught me "Never shelter an adulterer from the consequences of their adultery." I think she needs to feel this, and while you can validate her PAIN I don't think you should swoop in to RESCUE her from from it . . . especially if she's saying it simultaneously with "I have never loved you" ???
I'm trying like hell not to spiral. I even told her I needed a time out (as prescribed by our therapist) because I was starting to spiral. I want to be there for her, but I can't sit there and make her feel better about OM.
I think that's healthy, and appropriate.
My mentor here on this forum taught me "Never shelter an adulterer from the consequences of their adultery." I think she needs to feel this, and while you can validate her PAIN I don't think you should swoop in to RESCUE her from from it . . . especially if she's saying it simultaneously with "I have never loved you" ???
I am working very hard on not attacking OM, and almost got there. That's why I took the time out. I know that makes her dig in. Last night she was saying she was no longer angry at me, today she treats me like everything that's wrong in our marriage is my fault. I try to validate and not make her feel abandoned, but Geez.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
How about if you said something like "Look, I can hear the pain in your voice and I HATE that you're hurting, I really do. But I'm also not going to sit here while you bash me and tell me that you've never loved me, and berate me, and I'm DAMNED sure not going to help you feel better about how your affair partner treated you. If you ever decide that you really do love me, but just aren't FEELING like it right now, and you're 100% in, I think you'll find me 100% committed to helping you in any way I can. But this 'one foot on the platform and the other foot on the train' thing just isn't working for me anymore, I'm sorry."
Great way to say that Starsky. I hope at some point I may be able to say something like this to my W. It sounds like negativity at first by saying I don't care about your problems and my feelings are hurt but then I see the positive in that it will allow my W to see that I wont be treated like a doormat and gives me some confidence that I am standing up for myself.
That is my take I hope I am grasping it.
Rzr, I think what Starsky said and the way he said it will work for you.
I will be following to see.
Good luck and hang tough.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
That's really all I can do. She calls me out as being insincere when I do that. But I'm not going to be her effing cheerleader where he's concerned.
Caution! Can you see how that triggers your anger? And I agree that you did the smart thing by taking a time-out.
I do not blame you, nor am I suggesting you sooth her feelings over OM. Just recognize the triggers (like you did today), b/c when you go into one your temper outlets, that causes her to feel you are not sincere about the other things you tell her. She feels you take your temper fits out on her.
Again, I am not disagreeing, I'm just trying to get you to see how it looks to her. She doesn't like the withdrawal (I don't know if she realizes what she's experiencing.) She wants you to help her through this. As Starsky suggested, tell her you both are experiencing tough emotions...but today's feelings do not dictate the feelings of tomorrow.
She is a mess. One of you needs to stay calm. She is still operating out of emotions, so if both of do......it won't be good. You want to blow up every time she makes any reference to OM (which I understand......just saying) so if you continue that response, she will stop reaching out to you when she is hurting. She may find somebody else to comfort her. Somebody who is willing to listen.
When you calm down, maybe you can just tell her, "I don't want to see you in pain, and I am willing to do whatever I can....except discuss your affair partner".
When was the last time you took her out for something fun?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
That's really all I can do. She calls me out as being insincere when I do that. But I'm not going to be her effing cheerleader where he's concerned.
Caution! Can you see how that triggers your anger? And I agree that you did the smart thing by taking a time-out.
I do not blame you, nor am I suggesting you sooth her feelings over OM. Just recognize the triggers (like you did today), b/c when you go into one your temper outlets, that causes her to feel you are not sincere about the other things you tell her. She feels you take your temper fits out on her.
Again, I am not disagreeing, I'm just trying to get you to see how it looks to her. She doesn't like the withdrawal (I don't know if she realizes what she's experiencing.) She wants you to help her through this. As Starsky suggested, tell her you both are experiencing tough emotions...but today's feelings do not dictate the feelings of tomorrow.
She is a mess. One of you needs to stay calm. She is still operating out of emotions, so if both of do......it won't be good. You want to blow up every time she makes any reference to OM (which I understand......just saying) so if you continue that response, she will stop reaching out to you when she is hurting. She may find somebody else to comfort her. Somebody who is willing to listen.
When you calm down, maybe you can just tell her, "I don't want to see you in pain, and I am willing to do whatever I can....except discuss your affair partner".
When was the last time you took her out for something fun?
This was a bad day. Some days she's in a good frame of mind. This was not one of those days. She's got a lot of anger and resentment towards me right now.
Fortunately I was able to keep my temper for the most part when she mentioned OM today. I took a time out when I realized I was about to launch into a tirade against him. I think my rhetoric tracked fairly closely with what you laid out in your post. I still need to work on calm. Today was hard.
Yep, she's a mess for sure. 48 hours ago she told me she wasn't angry with me anymore; now she is again. Not unexpected. She's at a school meeting tonight with D15, I've calmed down enough I think we can have a calm discussion when she gets home.
I've got to get my calm back. A week ago I was calm, in control, and ready for anything. I can tell I need to drop that rope again.
Last edited by Rzrback; 01/29/1501:13 AM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I know she's going through more withdrawal. I guess I expected that she'd be in it deep for the first couple of weeks and then slowly climb out of it. It's more like a roller coaster where she goes back in. Him showing up last week didn't help, I'm sure, even though they never really got much chance to talk.
I'm trying to recommit to the DR rules. Keep things calm, upbeat. She expects me to stay in here when she's in this state. She tells me I'm abandoning her if I leave the room, but she doesn't particularly want to engage with me at all right now. So I left the room anyway and cleaned the kitchen. I'm sick of having that Georgia cockroach in my life. Wish she was sick of it.
I'm trying to walk he line between being there for her when she wants to talk, and just hanging with her for no particular reason.
Last edited by Rzrback; 01/29/1503:48 AM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
