There was a time when the uncertain prognosis of our situation would have thrown me into a pit. I would have been down for days, dwelling on the negative possibilities.
This time, I feel so badly for Smokey. I feel sad at the strong possibility he may be gone forever. I feel sad that I may never want him back after the damage done.
But...do I feel sad for me? A little for the dream we lost and the unfairness of it all. For the most part, however, I'm O.K. About 85% of my heart is just fine and knows I will perfectly fine without him.
I remember a time when this type of post would have sent me into a tailspin. My hopes would have collapsed and I would have felt horrible for myself because I could see no future without Smokey.
This journey takes you to unexpected places. Stick with it. It's all worth it, even if it doesn't turn out the way you hope. In fact, it turns out better and in ways you'd never possibly dream. Anything can happen.
I heard something this morning which really struck a chord with me. A pig will wallow in the mud because this is what is normal for a pig...it's default setting is wallowing in mud. A lamb, however, will fight and fight to get out of deep mud because that's not where a lamb is meant to be.
For lack of a better way of putting it...and in the kindest way.. ;-)...Smokey is a pig right now. He is sitting in the mud and he isn't fighting. Maybe he can't. I don't know. But, that's not my default setting anymore. I'm fighting to get out of the mud. I'm almost there. I still have my down days, but I recover 10x's as fast I used to. And, I feel better than before once I recover.
Smokey is in charge of Smokey. Only he can pull himself from the quagmire. I've thrown him ropes, he only throws them back in my face. He's gotta figure this one out for himself.
These individuals search and search...and, sometimes, it seems if they are searching for the unconditional love they found in us...but, in a different package. I know in my heart...he will keep searching for the love he had with me and the girls...only to get to the end of his life and realize he threw it away.
Let's be real...Heather is the only one who can do Heather. I'm the best Heather on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Heather? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.
Last edited by LoisB; 01/30/1509:36 PM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I wouldn't want to walk a mile in their shoes when they are going through this crisis. The emotional pain is terrible. As for the op, well, they are generally as messed up as the mlcer. Don't ever think that they are better than you. You are the prize!
I get what Gwen is saying ... however I do think that the statistics for reconciliation are so low for all the reasons listed. Some never wake up as that mirror work is hard enough if you are 'normal' .... let alone after you wake up and realized you just trashed the quad. Some LBS's hang in as long as they can, become stronger and better versions ... and who can blame them for moving on and not wanting to revisit Hiroshima after all they were put through? That leads us to .. ok MLC'r wakes and wants to reconcile .. LBS finally has their prayers answered ... guess what .. another rocky hill to climb and TONS of work to get there ... leaves us with the select few that did it ... and still bless us in the fog filled forest to post and share the wisdom they learned.
My perspective after reading it .. and maybe its because I have finally detached to a point I don't wince as much ... it is quite fascinating to me what they go through, when you can look at them objectively .. removed the emotions .. and just see how tragic it is for them .... I don't think any MLC'r asked nor wanted this life, I know myself as the LBS I could have done without, but I see how much better of a person I am 1 year later and ... well ... my faith has me believe I needed to go through this to get here.... anyways .. back on topic.
Its strange how hard it seems for them to find happiness and how thats such a focus and obsession for them to acquire. With this in mind the lying and sneaking around they do to achieve it ... even in my younger days sure it was a rush to sneak out of the house, hang with my friends and try to sneak in as a kid ... but as an adult? I think the guilt and the lying hinders the pursuit of happiness but they are to blind to see it.
CaliGuy, I don't think they ever find that so called "happiness" because the avenues that they are using are external. They are too immature to realize that happiness comes from within and you have to learn to accept the person that you are. I do think that the lying and guilt play heavily on their minds, both when they are awake and when they sleep. What I've been told by several men who have experienced the crisis is that they minds worked over time especially in the quiet evenings and just before trying to go to sleep. The reason for this is that they do not have any external activities to take their focus off the mind wandering.
We have been blessed that the few that either are working on reconciliation or have reconciled have returned to post periodically. It gives the new posters some hope, but each and every poster has worked very hard and believe me, the reconciling portion of the crisis is the most difficult to grasp. You have to have the patience of a saint and then some because we want them to hurry up and get back to the program. People tend to forget that the old marriage is no longer viable and that a new one needs to be created? Why? Because both parties are no longer the same. Each has grown, become wiser and more mature along the way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I totally agree with that ... the old marriage is gone. That hit me in the face a few weeks ago while I was catching up with a very good friend ... knew W and I were having problems but had no idea how bad. I explained to her the MLC thing and the possible outcomes, as grim as they might be .. are what they are. She asked that after all this time if I was ready to date... I laughed.. in my mind I am still married .. that is dead.... but no I am not ready, it hit me ... even if W wakes I would be 'dating' someone new ... helped me with it all in some weird way. Like it closed my marriage and R for me and made me realize from that moment on .. I am single, and have to start over regardless if its with my W or someone else ... both options are a long ways out.
CalliGuy, You've got a good understanding of what is going on w/your wife. If you have that golden opportunity to reconcile, the two of you will begin as friends and go from there. Who knows what life has in store for any of us.
You have plenty of time to decide what you want to do down the road. For now, continue to live in the present and be the best you can be. Every day is a gift and one to be shared w/others in some fashion, be it a smile, a kind word, a shoulder to lean on or to work on projects w/others at work or at home. But no matter what the gift is, it comes from the heart and that's what is important because you have found happiness from within and are willing to share w/others.
I think you are going to be just fine no matter what happens.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Let's be real...Heather is the only one who can do Heather. I'm the best Heather on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Heather? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.
Heather, this is priceless! I’ve having similar thought about “the best Bright”, which H is searching among skanks and trashy women.
I can relate, I didn’t feel too bad reading this. I felt sad for H, but at the same time realizing that he could be in this funk for the rest of his life.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I think what I would take away from this very useful thread is that the only person we can take responsibility for is ourselves. We see clearly how broken they are and how little resource they have for changing.
The best advice I had was to take the focus off them and put it on myself. I still care about my poor ex husband, and i show him as much compassion as i can. Even love can be a burden for them.
It has also been pointed out that the stages of MLC are all mixed up. My xh is consistently angry - it lies seething just below the surface, to stop, I believe, the intense feelings of hurt that are below it.
Currently I am cast in the role of villain, and he is the victim. It is both sad and funny. Because that is not what it is about. Even if it it is true, where does it lead? Towards an endless cycle of blame and away from any self examination.
While contact can be crazy making, it also shows us how much we have changed, and how little they have. I could never go back to my old marriage, happy as I was. It was a dream and now I am awake!
Bea, I so agree w/you 100% that we need to keep the focus on us. The only way to justify what they are doing is to make us the villains and unfortunately, it's not the case in many, many instances.
I am so very sorry that your xh is still an angry man. He just doesn't get it as to what the word divorce means. He doesn't get it that he is now responsible for reconnecting to his sons and not your place to step in. He doesn't get it that you can't co-parent adult children. He doesn't get it that you have moved on w/your life and are very happy and you are not waiting for him. He doesn't get it that he's not number one in your eyes or heart any longer. He just doesn't get it at all. This is where I feel so sad when I see this attention getting behavior over and over again. He doesn't understand that the more he pushes and carries on w/odd behavior, the further you are distancing yourself from him. He continues to burn his bridges and then wonders why no one wants to deal w/him when he's nutty.
I pray that he will wake up one day and come to realize all that he has lost.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
