Jim0987 #11 - Mk8's user manual needs some work

[edz]

This logical self is fighting against my emotional self that deeply misses connection and affection though.

Absolutely this ^^^^ G.

[Sotto]

Hi Jim, I'm also in the no dating camp. For you, it is still very early days following your S, and you may be best to heal alone for a while first. Maybe focus on friendships and doing things you enjoy doing (but stopped when you M.) I also think it may be unfair to someone else, when you would like to save your M if possible.

I think for me, if I know we are definitely D (ie: not just that he has filed, but I have decided that's what I want) I may start dating. Another part of me thinks - you know, I may not be interested in seeking a partner for a good while yet.

I understand the missing connection and affection. It is good to have intimacy in our lives, but I think we need to be 'whole' first...

[SunnyB]

On other things i think given some of the conversations that have gone on recently around here i found myself asking the question about dating and whether its something i want to start thinking about. A phrase i've heard a couple of times that has been rattling around my head is that 'the best way to move on is to move on'. got mixed feelings on all this

Jim, I had a dating conversation with my IC yesterday. She keeps reminding me that dating doesn't mean walking down the aisle. And she also reminds me that talking to someone is not dating. In other words, she's encouraging me to get out there, make new friends, and some of them will be single guys. It doesn't have to mean anything at all, other than I have a new friend that I can have a conversation with. Baby steps.

BTW, I haven't done that yet.

[Mozza]

I'm in the pro-flirting camp. I make a conscious effort to talk to people, especially new women, and try to get an interesting conversation going. In my case, my IC thinks I'm in such a panic over the S in part because I'm convinced that I can't ever find someone else as good as my W. I know you have the same issue because you said this exact thing here. I can already attest that I'm getting better, more confident at it and that it has given me some relief over my sitch, or at least something else to think about on the romantic front.

As for "dating", it depends what is meant by that. If it's going for coffee or dinner with new people, I've absolutely no problem with that. If it's about have a one-night-stand, I still think it's defensible (will I be moderated or banned for this??). Oh and I'll say it: I even think LBS in situation like ours (WAS is gone, moved on with someone else, D proceedings, etc.), it's ok to date more regularly. I'd make sure the other person knows I'm separated though and that it wasn't my choice. As you know, my view of marriage is less constraining than that of many around here.

I seem to be fairly alone around here in thinking that it's not unfair to the other person, even if you're still "available" to your WAS. Everyone has a history and new relationships aren't life contracts. We feel each other out, get to know each other, seek compatibility, etc. It fails in a large majority of the cases, by the way. I wouldn't mind dating someone who's not completely over their ex, as long as I know about it.

Anyway, I'll probably be told that I have low morals. Also, I lack experience and I keenly observe that vets are strongly against it, and so is MWD. Maybe experience will make me fall in their camp.

[edz]

Also I've noticed here (and from US collegues who have come over to the uk) there's a different perspective on what dating entails (at least in my age group - no idea in the 20 somethings to 30 somethings!)

The (unattached) guys I know from the US regularly go on 3-5 dates a month often with different women and just grab dinner/movie/bowling/trip out etc. Whilst my experience on dating is now 16 years out of date I tend to think of it more as one person you're looking to spend time with.

Maybe I was always just sheltered

[jim0987]

Thanks for the thoughts and viewpoints.

I'm not doing anything yet nor am I desperate to do so.

So I asked the question that of some others that if I knew 100% that my wife was never coming back or that it would be minimum 3+ years, what would I do differently and that led me to I would do everything I could to move on.

That led me to what's the best way(s) to move on which started a thought process. I'm still at work so haven't got time to elaborate now but I had some mixed thoughts in this which I would like to share later.

[edz]

We'll be here matey.

[Dawn70]

I think dating is a different animal for all of us. I have no desire to date at this point because I was so taken by surprise and hurt by XH. Not that I think all men are like him, I just prefer to work on myself for awhile.

I don't have anything against meeting new folks and enjoying a cup of coffee (well, it would have to be tea, since I don't drink coffee, but I digress) with someone or the like, but I, for me, am just not ready to pursue trying to date and meet single men and the like.

If/when I am ready, I will think about it, but for now, it is just me and the dog and I am good with that.

[jim0987]

Hi some quick scripting help please if you dont mind.

So i've got a letter saying my wife has put in a redirection for all the kids post. I also suspect she has started changing their address for all kinds of things (and she has changed her name back to her maiden name but that is less important)

a few issues for me with this:
1) redirected post means my family cant send the kids cards/presents etc.
2) if she is changing address that jeopardises my D3s school application
3) it may impact on custody later on
4) she didnt discuss it with me at all
5) It P***** me off (least important but true)

So i need to text her about this and would like some help to get the right tone/script

what i have is

Hi. I've got a letter saying about post redirection for you and the kids. redirecting their post would mean that my family cant post them anything directly. I'll contact royal mail tomorrow to sort that out. In future, please would you let me know about things like this before making any changes. Thanks

[edz]

Ouch

Well you know all about me and postal redirects. Are you on 50/50 time with the kids?