Think about trying this, and see if will help in taking a better turn. Yes, another talk however, keep this one short and to the point about compromising on the topics. Wait until both of you are calm and she's not having one of her "You are abandoning me" moments, and approach her with something along this line......
"Honey I am concerned that neither of us are emotionally strong enough right now to have serious R talks as often as we have done lately. In doing so, I worry it is keeping us from getting to a better place, b/c we get stuck when we try to do this on our own. I want you to turn to me when you are having a rough time, but I admit I get upset hearing you talk about your feelings for another guy. So, can we work out a compromise, where you get your need to talk and spend quality time together, and I can have time to work on my emotions.....and we both can feel connected to each other?"
The compromise: She talks to you about whatever she wants, so long as it has nothing to do with OM. And you will listen without angry outbursts. Any discussions that has reference to the A/OM will wait until the next session with the C. The difference will be that the C will be there to guide/control the session.
Maybe you have already tried this approach, IDK. I am not the best in finding the right words, but I know it is important that you say nothing to indicate you are blaming her or that you don't want to have any talks at all. You want to sound as if both of you want the same things, but she won't hear you if she starts getting mad before you can finish your dialog. Maybe Starsky has something better to offer along those lines, or maybe he has a difference of opinion here.
There needs to an attempt to have more fun & laughter within the home. That's not easy when one of you are deeply depressed, and it will probably be up to you to make the effort. Watch funny movies together instead of sad things. Have friends over. Do something other than this nightly routines of staying cooped up in the bedroom discussing the stitch. You need to plan something special. I don't mean romantic.....but something you believe she would really enjoy doing. You can make it a big thing or small & simple, but you need to make all the arrangements and then treat her like she's your special guest. Do something different, instead of going out to dinner. (Which was okay yesterday, since you didn't much time to plan anything else.)
You all need a good distraction from all this daily drama. I am concerned you are going to throw everything up in the air and walk out, if there isn't a change in the atmosphere soon.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Good Sandi advice and Starsky-endorsed. Can't get much better than that.
We had a rough night, but she called me this morning apologizing for the harsh things she said to me. She's trying to pay more attention to the positives in our life. During the conversation, she said an interesting thing. She's trying not to focus so much on falling back in love with me per se (she's frustrated because it's not happening like she wants it to), but rather focus on the positive aspects of our life that tend to bond us. This is what the therapist has been trying to lead us towards for the last couple of sessions, though we couldn't stop arguing long enough to get there. The romantic connection can't get reestablished until the emotional connection does. We're going to go to dinner tonight (didn't happen last night due to scheduling problems) and really talk about what we both want out of life and see what kind of common ground we have.
She's still having a hard time processing OM, but that's not surprising. I can't help but notice that she seemed to feel better about OM until he came into town last week, and then she crashed after he left. She didn't really do anything wrong, seeing him at her workplace was unavoidable, and they didn't talk all that much. Interestingly enough, she used the word "withdrawal" today when talking about OM.
Sandi, your remark about laughter was prescient. She said the same thing to me today! I recall something that happened a couple of weeks ago. We watched a really stupid-funny sci fi movie. We laughed together and had a great time. Later that week we watched an action flick. Good movie, but obviously not much laughter. Later on she made a remark about how close to me she felt during the funny movie; during the other movie, not so much. I didn't connect the dots until just now. Several days passed between the two and her mood was probably different, but it still seems to me that when we laugh together, we're closer. Interesting. We're out of town for a swim meet this weekend, but I'm going to figure out something to do very soon.
Last edited by Rzrback; 01/29/1507:32 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Thanks V, I'm looking at some things. Unfortunately we don't have any roller coasters very close by but there are other things. It's too bad it's cold right now, I'm better at outdoor date than indoor ones. I'm sure I'll figure something out.
W is in a much better frame of mind. Mainly she's exhausted due to interrupted sleep and just the overall stress of the situation. On top of that she's had the flu. I'm not sure her sleep deficit didn't have at least something to do with her emotional crash this week.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Wow...stay away for a few days and I get pushed about 10 pages down....
Haven't checked in for a while. We had a good weekend, but it all imploded. She's extremely angry with me for the things I did wrong in our marriage. She still justifies her actions in her mind. She's sticking to NC still with OM.
The MC said that it was OK for her to grieve OM, since that's something she has to process herself. I get that, but her grieving has definitely hit the anger stage. She's angry with him, angry with me, and even got angry at her dad (who died 20 years ago), because "that's what men do, they just abandon you."
I'm ashamed to post because I broke every DB rule in the book last night. I got insanely angry at constantly being blamed for the state of our marriage and the state of her life. I almost left last night. I cussed OM up one side and down the other. All the stupid things I know not to do and have been advised not to do, I went nuclear on. She was distant (she had been in a good mood the night before) and I asked her what was wrong. She let loose on both me and OM. I listened calmly for about 10 minutes and then it just exploded in me. And I remind myself every day to keep it under control.
We're talking now and her state of mind is far better today. Sandi, she basically laid out for me what you've been trying to get me to understand all along. I can't talk her into falling in love with me; it's not something I can control directly. I have to find ways to emotionally connect with her. Now if I could just figure that out.
Geez. It's been a s**tty week.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Okay, well I have noticed where several of the fights seem to start with you asking her "what's wrong". My suggestion is don't ask. Seriously, don't do it, b/c when she starts talking about things, it usually triggers something and you lose it. If this pattern continues much longer, you will eventually have one too many and then end it with a blow-out where neither of you will recover. Every time you two fight like this, it is like slicing each other apart. How can you heal? You can't.
So, whenever you see her in a down mood, you can either do something that would generally lift her spirits or you can just show your PMA and don't pry. I hate to admit it, but there are a few women who show their depressed moods/attitudes in order to get the H to ask them what's wrong. It's like her way of getting his undivided attention. But with the two of you, it keeps going down that same old road hitting the same old ruts. I am not saying that is what your W is doing, b/c IDK. Did you ever try my suggestion about telling her you would listen to her talk about anything except the A/OM?
You have to be the stronger one, happier one, and the one who is leading her. You may get very tired of hearing this said, however, if you are not able to do this and you succumb to exploding in fury over what she tells you, then it's like two blind people trying to lead each other. You both will fall into the ditch. She's upset, you ask her about it, she tells you, and what do you do? Exactly! So stop sticking your hand in the fire.
Remember, after she saw OM at work, she had to start all over with the withdrawal process. So really, you both have started over again. Must be terribly discouraging, except that hopefully you learn something from the times before and will stop repeating the same mistakes.
I hope you won't give up. I believe you two can make. Once she can get through the withdrawal/depression, then her heart will be free to feel the love she has always had for you. In the meantime, stop scr@wing up, okay?
P.S. It was good to hear you had a great weekend. Have you planned anything for Valentines? What would be something different?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
(((Rzr)))...sorry you had a rough week, but glad you had a good weekend. I am continuing to keep you in my prayers. Hang in there!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
however, keep this one short and to the point about compromising on the topics. Wait until both of you are calm and she's not having one of her "You are abandoning me" moments, and approach her with something along this line......
