You hit on something. My W sounds something like your sister. Not as ambitious, but certainly opinionated, expects undivided attention, and has been running the show for most of our M. I handed over control of much of my life to her when we got married (went straight from home to college to marriage without taking a breath). That caused a cycle of resentment in me that has continued until now.
I was a classic "nice guy" (many of you are familiar with that reference). My primary concern was keeping her happy, because by god you knew it when she wasn't. I stopped going to church because she didn't like organized religion. She never forbade me from going, but I didn't risk her disapproval. We're living in the town she wants to live in. I gave up the career plans I had been working for since junior high because it would have required moving, and she refused to move. Now I've wasted 17 years in a career I don't particularly like. When she fell in love with me in college I had a passion and purpose. I had a good sense of humor. I was confident in myself as a man. I lost much of that after we got married. I can see now where that helped set the stage for my current sitch.
It hit me tonight while I was working out. The old, meek, people pleasing Rzr is dying (except when it comes to my W, apparently) and thank God, because all being that nice guy has bought me is a mediocre career, a ho-hum life, unhappy M and broken familial ties. I've regained much of my positive self image and I'm approaching life with far more confidence now. I can see improvement in my relationships with people outside the house, but it's harder to see here.
One of the big reasons she says she doesn't respect me is that I failed to stand up to my toxic parents. That's a legitimate complaint. If I wasn't capable of standing up for myself, how would I have been able to stand up for her? She cites very specific reasons for why she doesn't trust me and is not attracted to me, but I can't help but wonder if really it boils down to the fact that I was meek and pleasing with her. OM is less physically attractive than I am (by my W's admission), but he was funny, confident, charming, and, well, masculine. All those things at which I had apparently not been very good.
I have noticed that sometimes when I have taken a stronger stand with her, she eventually responds positively, after some drama. We had one of the worst fights of our sitch on Tuesday night; it got to the point where I was packing bags. I got insanely angry at her over some things she had said. Things eventually calmed down between us and we went to bed on good terms. The next morning she told me (in calm tones for her) that I needed to connect with her on an emotional level; I would never be able to talk or certainly bully her into falling back in love with me. That's a perfectly valid point. Since then she hasn't exactly been exuberantly happy, but she's been warmer towards me and calmer.
I'm not saying that I need to go lose my s*** every time we have a heated discussion; If I can keep calm while clearly engaging her when appropriate and enforcing boundaries, I'm sure I can get farther with her.
Great feedback!
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
