To Pursue or Not

[HPoirot]

Arcola... you don't have to do anything now. Give it a week. Block your W's page on facebook. Shut down your facebook access for a month if you need to. Stop driving by your Ws house. Start doing things for you everyday. Keep communicating just on business and be friendly. Otherwise, leave your W alone. You know what to do and you can do it.

[Sotto]

HP is right Arcola. Don't torture yourself with this stuff. You're focusing way too much on your W and it won't do any good at this stage (and may do a lot of harm.)

Fact is, there's not much you can do right now about who she allows to park in her drive (no innuendo intended here..) But there's lots you can do about you - shift your focus.

Don't make any sudden moves. If in doubt.....distance...and GAL to try and get your mind onto something else..

[Starsky309]

Arc, see all the previous advice. Like Ragu (or is it Prego?) . . . "it's in there."

[Arcola]

Its been a while so I figured an update was due. W and I are still separated. W and I took the kids to a nearby city for some outlet mall shopping and activities. Convo exchange was good and I remained upbeat. I learned she's renewing her lease for another 6 months come March. Our time with the kids was pleasant, but W still isn't where she used to be. For example, I bought 3 pair of shoes, 3 pair of pants, and 2 shirts and she didn't ask once how much they cost. Prior to BD she'd always ask how much something cost or at least comment on it. Just an observation.

I've learned that I shouldn't wait for her on some things and just take action myself. Yesterday when I looked at bank acct. I saw W's check hadn't deposited. It didn't put me in a bad situation or anything, but for about 4 weeks prior I had asked if we good go to the bank to iron things out and also switch over our direct deposit at the same time since we both have our own accts. now, but something would always come up. I thought we'd do it together, but as I saw yesterday that wasn't the case. So lesson learned, don't wait to take action.

OM is probably still in the picture. Since BD, I've encountered OM twice. Once was at Wal Mart about 5 weeks ago. I was coming around an aisle and bam! there he was. I simply said hi and kept going. It was one of those, yeah I know this person, let me speak type encounters for me. Afterwards, anger came back over me and I'm like why did I even speak to this guy. The 2nd encounter was this past Fri. at D9's talent show at the after school program she goes to. His daughter, my D9, and another girl were doing a song together. He was sitting on the row in front of me to my left. This time I didn't speak and he never looked back at me. He didn't even turn around to say anything to my W while I was there. I don't know who was seated first, whether W and little ones or OM, but I came in late and sat with W and little ones. Moreover, his ex-wife was there and she didn't sit with him she stood the entrance to the auditorium the whole time. From my understanding she cheated on him as to why the got a divorce. Another observation.

Its been about 6 or 7 months now since BD and my days are better. Nonetheless, there are still a few days I think of the whole situation and it may get me down. I'm doing my 180s and some GAL which needs to be stepped up a bit, but overall my days are way better than before. Months right after BD, I'd always think of W and OM, be mad, sad, all over the place, reading everything online while at work looking for that magic bullet. But as I said I'm better now.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

You should start job searching out of state or across the state or even a couple towns over. If you could land a tremendous offer somewhere far away your wife would have to decide whether it was worth it to follow you to a big career opportunity or stay put for a lame relationship with some loser OM.

You - guy who fosters children and adopts them
OM - loser who dates and pursues married women

She's keeping you around for a reason. You must be meeting some of her needs. If you move far away (or give the perception you intend to) she'll need to consider life without you meeting those needs. OM is likely incapable of meeting those needs. He's stuck in his town paying his ex-cheating wife alimony and child support. He's also single now so he could date anyone so why bother with a married woman when there's other fish in the sea.

[Arcola]

Georgia Bulldogs,
I wish I knew what she was keeping me around for. I'll admit I pursue her physically every once and a while, but am trying to not do so anymore. It would be nice to find a job elsewhere, but my kids are young so I don't even look at jobs over an hour or so from home

On OM note, she's still in contact with him. She went to his church this past Sun. and posted some pics on Facebook of our children playing at the playground and I noticed one of OM's kids pushing one of my kids on a swing.

Just blogging now....Today the bug spray guy who always does the house came over. He mentioned not being able to catch either of us at our homes so he can do the inside (we tend to forget our recurring bug spray appointments) and said to the effect I can never catch your wife, ex-wife, or soon to be ex-wife ever at her home. I felt my self getting defensive inside, but didn't say anything. I guess it was the thought of the ex-wife or soon to be ex-wife that got to me.

Everyday since we've been separated if she has the kids overnight I get to come over and visit. I'm glad things are sort of still open with regards to the kids. But after I left and went to the grocery store for a few things, W texts me that D9 is being bad and we haven't been separated for long, but if D9 had a choice she'd probably choose to come stay with me.

D9 we fostered beginning at age 3 and adopted at age 5 and she has always had an attitude. So that's what the text was about. I just thought it was weird she had to throw the being separated in there. I did respond only asking what D9 did and why. And said she did right to punish her as she did.

While I was at the grocery store I decided to go ahead and get Valentine's stuff out of the way. It was sad to look at the cards "For Wife" "For Husband" "For Someone Special." All I could think was I want to give one of these cards but I know its not right and also knowing I probably won't get a special card like usual. I ended up getting a humor one that had Snoopy eating chocolate on it and said something like "I couldn't decide if I should get you chocolates or a Valentine, so I got me chocolates and you a Valentine card." I also, got my kids their Valentine's candies/gifts. That's a 180 for me, I've always relied on her to get the kids things on occasions.

[Arcola]

Just blogging.

Today W and I went to do our taxes. The tax guy was slow and wife was irritated because she had to be back to work to finish up some tasks. So at a couple of moments W gets an attitude with me because I got a figure wrong or had no idea about what the tax guy was talking about. Through us being S, I've sometimes come to feel her attitude attributed too in growing us apart. She's mentioned it as a factor in the past prior to sitch, but I don't think she's ever really worked on it.

On a side note, I wonder if her wanting to get taxes done so soon maybe has something to do with her wanting to file for D. There have been no D talks, but I just wonder.

This afternoon after work I decided to text and let her know how I'm feeling since we haven't ML in over 3 months and that I miss her. It was short and to the point. I also said that if she didn't feel the same way that I understood. She didn't reply. Her next reply was that she was getting off work and headed to pick up the kids and would meet me at my house.

This makes about 5 times I've put my feelings out there only for her to not respond or say something that doesn't reciprocate what I'm feeling.

In some past weeks she's asked me whats wrong or how something was going with me that had nothing to do with our R. I've always replied to the how I'm doing with I'm cool or its nothing. Despite my replies, I'm usually letting sitch get to me or wanting to tell her how I feel about her because I think it'll change her feelings. With other inquiries from her, I've always kept it to the point and let her know what was going on. Then and now I look back on those moments and ask myself why does she even care.

Right now I'm at a loss. Lately, I'm finding it hard to detach or not think about her or our sitch.

[MrBond]

"This afternoon after work I decided to text and let W know how I'm feeling since we haven't ML in over 3 months and that I miss her. It was short and to the point. I also said that if she didn't feel the same way that I understood. She didn't reply.

This makes about 5 times I've put my feelings out there only for her to not respond or say something that doesn't reciprocate what I'm feeling. "

Why on earth did you tell her something like that? It made you sound extremely needy. Not something women like.

[Arcola]

MrBond,
I thought she might feel the same way. I don't know if she's physical with OM or not. A few weeks ago we had talk about R (she initiated) and she mentions how she sometimes wants to call me over to be with her and how shes lonely. And how she feels this way, but doesn't wont to be that couple that still ML but are on bad terms.

Also, not that same day, but some days/weeks after she asks to come over during the kids nap time. I say okay and we're in our bed together nothing too frisky and some small talk. Later on that day kids and I at her house and W and I are watching a movie cuddling, kissing. I even got to stay the night in bed with her, no ML though due to untimely circumstances (I'm only guessing).

That day was a one out of the blue, b/c the next couple of days I asked to come over and be with her and she wasn't feeling that way.

I know now to STFU.

[MrBond]

"I thought she might feel the same way."

Why? You mean horny or that she misses you? She has an OM, sorry to say, she doesn't miss you right now.

"Also, not that same day, but some days/weeks after she asks to come over during the kids nap time. I say okay and we're in our bed together nothing too frisky and some small talk. Later on that day kids and I at her house and W and I are watching a movie cuddling, kissing. I even got to stay the night in bed with her, no ML though due to unforseen circumstances (I'm only guessing)."

Yes you are guessing.

"That day was a one out of the blue, b/c the next couple of days I asked to come over and be with her and she wasn't feeling that way."

So is that how things normally have been? Do you only go up to her for sex? Before, did you romance her or was it just straight to sex?