Great thread idea, Wonka!!! I've found I'm explaining "boundaries" vs. "control" or "ultimatums" a lot these days. That's because the topic IS so misunderstood.
We ALL have boundaries. They're just really hard to set and enforce in the face of FEAR, as I believe you stated.
Here's another helpful post that Puppy/Starsky often shares, from a former poster, Jayne:
Quote:
There used to be a poster here named Jayne, who one day summed up the concept of boundaries better and clearer than just about anything I've ever read, so I decided to save this in my archives. Obviously, change the gender as needed to fit your own sitch:
Jayne, on “boundaries”:
Think about boundaries like this:
Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, because boundaries are about drawing "circles" around *you* and determining what you will and won't allow inside that circle.
Your WxH can do whatever he wants OUTSIDE that circle. You are not telling him what to do.
But you will only let into that circle people who treat you with respect.
He's free to go on treating you with disrespect, but you won't know about it because he'll be outside your circle. He's free to go on and draw his own boundaries of no expectations and no responsibilities, outside your circle.
He can do WHATEVER he wants. He's a free person, free to make WHATEVER choices he wants.
BUT SO ARE YOU, and you are free to choose who to allow within your circle.
That's all. Not about trying to control him at all. Tell him he's totally free. He has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever he wants.
If he's saying you have to let him into your circle no matter what, then THAT is about HIM controlling YOU.
This thread - and being able to simply link to it - will save me some finger-cramps! You da woman, Wonka! xo
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
More gems..... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is impossible to set boundaries without setting consequences. If you are setting boundaries in a relationship, and you are not yet at a point where you are ready to leave the relationship then don't say that you will leave. Never state something that you are not willing to follow through with. To set boundaries and not enforce them just gives the other person an excuse to continue in the same old behavior. For example: “If you call me names I will confront you about your behavior each and every time and will share my feelings with you. I will not tolerate verbal abuse. If you continue this behavior, I will weigh my options, including leaving this relationship. I do not deserve this and I will not put up with it any longer”.
“If you continue to break your plans with me by not showing up or calling me at the last minute to cancel, I will confront you about this behavior and share my feelings. If this behavior continues, I will consider it to mean that you do not respect me or this relationship and I will have no contact with you for a month, until we can both evaluate and figure out our priorities. If I chose to get back in touch with you, and the behavior continues, we will no longer be in any type of relationship together”.
“When I ask you what is wrong, and you say “nothing”, but then proceed to slam doors or kick the wall, and seem to be angry, I feel angry or frustrated that you refuse to communicate properly with me as if I am supposed to read your mind. If something is bothering you, I will trust you to let me know after you have spent some time cooling off alone. If you continue to punish me with your silence or fits, I will tell you how it makes me feel. If this behavior continues, I will weigh my options for this relationship. I do not deserve this type of behavior and will not put up with it any longer”. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I understand that you think you are better than others. I think that someday you will see that we are all equal.”
“We are all doing our best, all the time.”
“Thanks for pointing out my error. I think that is mistake #201 this week. I think I am doing better. How are you doing?”
“I wish I were perfect, but I guess I have to settle for being human.”
“Of course we don’t agree. I wasn’t born to agree. I’m learning to be agreeable.”
“I like this. That’s who likes it.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Before we get too far, can you tell me what your plans are for this project?”
“You know, it doesn’t seem my feelings are being taken into account. Let’s talk about this before things progress any further?”
“It’s really important to me that ____________ (fill in the blank). Are we on the same page with that?”
“I certainly respect your needs. I’d like to talk about this to make sure my needs are being met too.”
“I tend to be direct to avoid problems down the road. Let’s compare plans and make sure we’re in agreement.”
“This isn’t really what I had in mind. Can you tell me what you’re thinking so I can be sure we agree?”
I'm still having trouble with enforcing boundaries. Sometimes I have the strength to hang up the phone when she starts spewing, sometimes I don't. The time-out suggestion we got from our therapist was the best one so far because it allows us a way to disengage without the other one necessarily feel like they're being abandoned. When my W is in the big middle of her panic spew, anything I do is wrong. I just have to get over that fear I guess. Sometimes I feel like my only consequence is leaving, and I don't want to trot that one out all the time. There's got to be a better middle ground.
She's not testing me right now, I just know it's a matter of time.
Last edited by NH115; 03/24/1508:05 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Try to think of it as leaving the CONVERSATION, not leaving HER. With the promise (which you then need to follow thru on) that the conversation will continue when she is ready to speak respectfully to you.
We are not "abandoning" people when we refuse to engage in disrespectful conversation with them.
Try to think of it as leaving the CONVERSATION, not leaving HER. With the promise (which you then need to follow thru on) that the conversation will continue when she is ready to speak respectfully to you.
We are not "abandoning" people when we refuse to engage in disrespectful conversation with them.
Starsky
That's a good way to put it. Of course, when she's in that state then everything I do other than sit there and be a big target is "abandoning" her.
Just had an epiphany...abandonment is one of my buttons she knows she can press, so she does. She talks constantly about being alone and feeling abandoned, and in her mind me leaving the conversation just reinforces her claim that I'll walk out on her when things get tough. That's a fear I'm going to need to get over as part of my strengthening process.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
xo