Maybell XXIX

[Little]

*hug*

[Maybell]

Thanks, Wonka, it's nice to be validated.

Ggrass, your STBX is just flat out mean. But he does appear to have a little energy.

[KGirl]

Ugh. My STBX has hired a lawyer just to help draw up the paperwork. I have refused to pay for any fees for said lawyer, but am fully taking advantage of it when possible (i.e. "So what did your lawyer say about how to fill out this particular form..?" )
In all seriousness, though, my viewpoint is: he wanted it, he can hire the lawyer and pay for it, and I'll get the paperwork done when it's due but on my own timeline. He took a year to decide to actually file, I'm not going to rush on a day's notice to do the next step. My financial disclosure is due 90 days after filing (filing was January 2), I will turn it in this week - whether it's tomorrow or Friday, his complaining about it doesn't bother me.

[Ggrass]

Only when. It comes to him his money and his wishes does h have any Energy and you know what it was pretty much always like that.

Even when I was in hospital he could not answer my call. He knew I was very ill he knew I was on morphine he knew it was serrious, but at the moment I needed him to be 100% available no matter what, he had a customer emgerency which meant he could not return the call for hours.

That's mean uncaring actions, he was Mia even tho he knew who called. I can cite dozens of those such times none life and death like that, but they were there. He was always going to choose ow.

I just thought for a busy man who did accomplish so much it was the price you paid for his success. I think way different now. If I'm not first, I'm not in. Simple.

[Maybell]

Yes, I could have written that last paragraph myself.

[Ggrass]

I wasn't clear in what I typed, but that hospital story was while we were together in The years he considered perfect. The years I didn't rock the boat so much, stayed low maintence and did all the r lifting.

But maybell I know, I have read what you typed and so many times I felt unqualified to answer anything other than I know, I was you, I was there, I have walked that road.

Trips and events that were about me became about h bad behaivour, lack of support and total lack of emtional contribution. My ll is quality time, but the times I needed him just to be there, do nothing, be nothing just there he didn't get my need.

H could voice his need and expected it done but couldn't get why I would need anything.
Seems in some the idea of reciprocation is sadly lacking.

[Maybell]

So he just texted me that he can't take the kids this week but that he'll take them next Monday.

I'm really infuriated that everything has now come down to his convenience and I'd like to say how offensive I find that but I'm so fired up at the moment that I don't think I can do it effectively.

Can anyone offer me a script for how to deal with this? I foresee the next 10 years of my life being me arranging my life to suit his, never able to GAL freely because I always have to accommodate him, and it is breeding ENORMOUS resentment that will make it hard to treat him with detachment.

[Maybell]

Too late. I sent this:

It is tremendously frustrating to me that everything happens on your schedule. I have been dumped with EVERY SINGLE ISSUE about this house and children and all you do is nod and say go ahead and pay for it. I have NO opportunity to do things I’d like to do because I have ALL the responsibility that ought to belong to both of us. I have missed a TON of work dealing with snow days, sick kids, and the water heater and you don’t seem to register it at all. You can take them Monday. But you are supposed to commit to an evening a week with them and it would be very helpful to me if you would actually COMMIT to that. If you don’t want to be married to me that’s fine, but I find it very difficult to believe that you have work commitments every single night of the week and no option to say that you need to spend ONE evening with your kids.

[Mozza]

I think you're following HPoirot's sitch, right? It sounds a lot like what his WAW is doing to him, regularly changing arrangements. Everyone has told him to set boundaries. Go to his thread for scripts from the vets.

You might have seen that my take is to be firm and inflexible. He can't take the kids at the agreed time? Well, neither can you. It's his problem during that period. When my WAW left the house, she said she'd need two weeks to get settled in the new apartment. I said "No: you take the kids after one week. They need you. You can arrange their bed in a week." We have almost no re-arrangement of schedule.

I believe that we teach people how to treat us. We set boundaries, we accept certain things, we make them regret treating us a certain way, etc. We don't even realize it. Now, he's testing this new S arrangement: can he change the schedule at will? The answer to him is yes. How will he react next time he has an opportunity that overlaps with his time with the kids? Will he think that he can always change things? Apparently so.

Probably irrelevant anecdote: Yesterday, I was texting a friend and he said his W had put their kids (S5 and D3) to bed, but they were constantly coming out asking for stuff, which the W couldn't refuse them. Well, no wonder they kept on coming out. They don't come out with him because he returns them empty handed.

BTW, is your H successful at work?

[Maybell]

We don't have a set weeknight schedule because of his travel. He's supposed to spend one evening with them when he's in town. I have to ask every week if he's going to and he usually says no with a lot of excuses.

Yes, he's successful at work. Very.