Ganb8te 5 - Escaping the abyss

[gan]

Was having some problems with your use of the term abyss as it resonates for me with the term abysmal.

Nope - definitely not abysmal down here. I liked this definition: an immeasurably deep chasm, depth, or void. Following our last MC session, when I was grasping for anything I suggested we set a time limit of 3 months. H returned with 6 months. Now we are at 8+ months. It's immeasurable. I'm touching the void.

I was going to call this thread "Moonwalking" as I feel like I'm ready to hop out of the spacecraft and take a look around. But I'm more inclined to try more adventure sports than space tourism.

Suppose Gan does not have to choose at all? She could do all three?

The Abyss then stands for:
A. The search for the sea creature aspect of self
B. The reach to communicate
C. The journey to renew

Ooooo I like that a lot! Though with my shark/open water phobia I'm feeling a little freaked out by the idea of sea creatures. I suppose I was imagining a dry chasm.

I thought gan might like the link any way, it is about New Guinea. As I know you are a traveller and far too young to have been around to see the original.

I did like this - jungles definitely more by thing. Cool music by Pink Floyd!

[gan]

Sorry gan, but I ticked and nodded yes to most of your post above. Pitch dark for me, h has an a.

Sorry because you think my H is having an affair, too? I'm not wasting any head space on it until/unless it is confirmed. Not playing denial, just not wanting to play with hypotheticals. I agree it is plausible.

[Barrybran]

I think any contact you make should be of the 'planting a seed' variety. A simple "Hey, haven't heard from you in a while" as if finding an old school friend on Facebook.

[Sotto]

Hi Gan

Yes, I get what you say on the B.1 and B.2 - I still think with either, there is a risk of a cold truth. A greater risk with B.2 as you would be seeking to discuss the R. But it could be with B.1 that you get in touch and your H says "no I don't want to meet up. I'm seeing/living with Megan now."

With the potential A - who knows and of course you're right not to give it headspace. But, given the timescale and the S he may well have started dating or have become involved with an OP - and of course may see that as reasonable given your S and given that he told you his 'intentions.'

Just on the timescales, have you had a look at the Stockdale Paradox info originally posted by Mozza. I thought it was interesting. It doesn't favour timescales as they raise an internal expectation - If we're not together by Easter then X.... When another person with a similar sitch may not put a time scale on it. You have mentioned timescales quite a bit in your posts above - you said 3 months, he said 6 and here we are at 8 (implication - that's bad!)

But we'll also read on here that sitches hardly ever resolve within 8 months, so we could say that you are exactly where you need to be right now - not (yet) reconciled!

Anyway, just a few thoughts - hope these are helpful. I'm still very interested in where you're at, given my sitch. I plan to send H a Birthday card next week - nice contact. And then after that, we need to start talking financials - not so nice contact! Dreading that....

T x

[jim0987]

Hi gan,

The lighter contact is your better option but with any contact you need to be prepared that his reaction or what he says may not be what you want to find out.

You may want to stop short of suggesting, a meet up with just a contact about something fun that is open to response but not required, or more of a question. Something like 'there's this awesome sea creature exhibition at the opera house. Have you seen it? Its well worth it though the giant shark was a bit unnerving even if it was wearing a fez. If you haven't you should check it out'

Though the 'haven't heard from you in a while' is far less convoluted.

Also scheduling a phonecalls is a really good intermediate rather than a meet up. There's a lot less pressure, you can bith be more relaxed in your own environment and you don't have worry about how you look or are sitting etc.

Avoiders are hard to pin down because often they are avoiding themselves and their feelings as much as anything else. But sometimes its more habit than reluctance.

[LisaB]

Hi ganb8te,

You know I have followed you from the beginning as we showed up here around the same time. Maybe I am too close to your story to have a good outsider's perspective but here goes my 2 cents!

If you were my real life friend and we were having a tea and discussing your situation I would probably recommend two paths (that you already mentioned).

1. just live your life, forget him and start dating - let go of H completely and see how this plays out for you
or
2. change your game and start reaching out to him as a "friend" but be prepared for yucky truths

Option 1
It is possible if you just let go and "move on" that you will allow yourself to discover you'd rather be with someone else more compatible. One thing you said resonated with me. I think it was about being with someone who would take your hand to new adventures. I am starting to feel this way myself. As much as I was happy in my relationship would I be happier with someone different? Maybe you need to allow yourself to find out? I know you are married and likely don't feel right about dating. If you think of it as just being open to meeting new people of the sexy variety maybe you can get past it for now. As someone else said, you don't need to start a relationship, just have coffee or drinks or walks or do yoga. But be open to possibilities of connection. However, maybe you don't feel right about that and that would also be admirable. In that case I think Option 2 might be better.

Option 2
My advice would be to reach out to him. As others have suggested you could do it in a friendly way, just suggesting random activities and opening up a line of communication. I feel this could work to create rapport. The other option is to directly ask him where things stand. I think in either case, communication opens the possibility to hear something negative which may or may not help you to decide what to do next. Believe me, finding out there is OW might seem like useful information but may just add another dimension of unanswered questions and pain. It may not help you to move on or withstand NC. It may just be painful. On the other hand you might hear some negative news and pull yourself together and move on.

Continuing to do nothing I think is not the best idea for you at this point. I feel although you seem to be doing very well and are GALing amazingly that you are still waiting around. And that waiting energy is not the right energy - it is not dynamic. Maybe I am not explaining it very well, but I have been living it. I have been waiting for my H to get over his OWs and wake up. But that is not the right energy to put out there. It is stagnant.

I've written on other threads about some of my real life friends who have reunited after long separations. One thing most have in common is that they dated other people while apart. They tried to "move on". Some got into serious relationships. In the end they found their way back to each other somehow after learning that the grass was not greener.

That's my two cents, maybe biased by my own current feelings. We all look forward to your next thoughts!

Hugs, Lisa

[Barrybran]

You may want to stop short of suggesting, a meet up with just a contact about something fun that is open to response but not required, or more of a question. Something like 'there's this awesome sea creature exhibition at the opera house. Have you seen it? Its well worth it though the giant shark was a bit unnerving even if it was wearing a fez. If you haven't you should check it out'

Though the 'haven't heard from you in a while' is far less convoluted.

Yeah, I took the short version A simple "hello", something interesting (a hook) and back to your own life. No invites, just casting a line and seeing if he bites.

[Mozza]

For reference, here is the post about the Stockdale paradox. Key quote:

When Collins asked who didn't make it out of Vietnam, Stockdale replied:

"Oh, that's easy, the optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, 'We're going to be out by Christmas.' And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they'd say, 'We're going to be out by Easter.' And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart."

Since I've read this, I've stopped thinking in terms of timelines. You can say that I've decided that I was passed my deadline already and at the "move on" phase.

[Ggrass]

Yeah, I read that about easter, hence I went total nc.

I was living event to event. It was ugly and sad to much wasted energy

Seems today the girls across the way are finding amusement in watching Me chat up blokes!

Or so they think! Nothing of interest has been in, period.

[Sotto]

Yes, that's an idea from Barrybran. Just putting a little hook in the water to see if he bites. Is there something you may have seen that might be of interest to him? Not anything 'deep' or 'self-help.' What about something interesting in his field of work or a hobby? Maybe you could look something up and contact him saying I came across this and thought of you...just wanted to share.

Co-incidentally, after following your NC conundrum, my H has emailed me this morning. Just thinking about a response and inviting any support people have to offer...

T x