Yeah, I noticed that too. I've been guilty of laughing at that kind of thing before. I'm sure I'm more sensitive to it now than I used to be, but I've had it with simply being "unhappy" as a reason to blow up a family. That's the poison kool-aid my W has been drinking. It's not just a change of living arrangements; it turns everyone's world upside down, often for problems that in the end could have been surmounted.
Sorry, rant off. I know I'm preaching to the choir here.
Last edited by Rzrback; 02/15/1508:42 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
It will be all right in the end, and if it is not alright it's not the end, the fat lady hasn't sung.
Besides all the women in the ads wear pretty aprons and shake things on carpets, in sinks and down loos. Either that or every one is stuck having a shower. The dads get to do cool things like pizza
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 02/15/1510:12 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
During the early evening we get along fine. I was greeted by a warm kiss; we had a good work out and a nice dinner. We drove D15 and her friend to the mall, had some good laughs along the way.
By the time we went to bed I was the source of her unhappiness.
I have this great life I want to build, preferably with her. I think she'd love it too, if she would just hang on. Be that man she'd be a fool to leave and all that. I'll build it anyway, without her. If she wants to hang on, why can't she just do that? If she doesn't want to hang on, then why is she torturing me with this emotional roller coaster? If she's truly out of love with me and doesn't think she can get it back, then for the love of God just let me go. It's not what I want but it's preferable to limbo. At least then I can get started on the rest of my life.
The fact that I go to church is suddenly a big deal to her. She's not an atheist, but doesn't have much use for organized religion. That's her choice, I don't have a problem with that. I just told her that while I'm 100% committed to working on my shortcomings as a husband and as a man, a spiritual life that happens to involve church isn't one of them. I told her I refuse to be someone I'm not just to please her. You'd think that would be comforting to her; that I'm not willing to lie to her to get her to stay. It didn't work that way. She used is as ammunition against me; "proof" that we're not compatible.
I don't know if I'm doing this detaching thing right. When I feel detached I feel strongest, but apparently it comes off as cold to her. Maybe she just expects me to wallow in the same agony she feels, and when I don't, she thinks I don't care. I don't know how to behave around her. Being too passionate comes off as angry, which is obviously counterproductive, but when I'm calm and stable she calls me cold. The traditional validating statements she sees right through. I want her to get to where she's comfortable being vulnerable to me. How can I be detached, but warm and inviting at the same time?
Last edited by Rzrback; 02/18/1512:52 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Just continue to be your loving, authentic self. She will either slowly come around to that (and remember -- you did attract her when you first met, right? got her to marry you? ) . . . or she won't.
You're doing the right things -- changing the little (or even big) things that need changing, but not those things that are part of your core integrity like your faith.
I'm still dancing too much to her tune; reacting too much to what she says at the time. When she gets to this state my natural reaction is to try to "sell" her on what I want out of life and the good things in our relationship. I know that's neediness talking. She's going on 2.5 months of NC with OM. I believe that we're in piecing, so the "no R talk" rule I don't think applies anymore. I'm just trying to figure out how to be warm and open when I engage with her without being supplicating.
That's the thing about our issues. Sometimes they're huge to her, sometimes they're not. Last week she told me that one of our preexisting issues was not that big a deal; that she had reached some peace with it. This week it was back to being our biggest problem.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
It's OK to supplicate (a LITTLE) in this stage, Rzr . . . so long as it's not done in violation of your core beliefs, values, integrity and such. You're going to have to lead her through this for awhile yet.
Try to insist on her EFFORT, but not on the RESULTS yet or even her FEELINGS at this point. As long as she's trying, and she's remaining faithful (NC) then you need to be patient.
Piecing sukks in a lot of ways, but if you guys can make it thru to the other side, it's sooooooo worth it.
The fact that I go to church is suddenly a big deal to her. She's not an atheist, but doesn't have much use for organized religion. That's her choice, I don't have a problem with that. I just told her that while I'm 100% committed to working on my shortcomings as a husband and as a man, a spiritual life that happens to involve church isn't one of them. I told her I refuse to be someone I'm not just to please her. You'd think that would be comforting to her; that I'm not willing to lie to her to get her to stay. It didn't work that way. She used is as ammunition against me; "proof" that we're not compatible.
The next time W brings this sort of thing up, I'd say:
"I can see why you would think that. To me, I think it's important that we BOTH have separate interests and common interests. That is the foundation in a healthy marriage. I am comfortable with going to Church because I enjoy it. You don't have to agree with it and that's okay with me."
I will give her that, she is trying. OM is still too much in her head, but she is sticking to NC from everything I can tell. More patience is needed on my part, I know. I refuse to lie to her about who I want to be or how I want our life to be. I just hope she takes comfort in that someday.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
The next time W brings this sort of thing up, I'd say:
"I can see why you would think that. To me, I think it's important that we BOTH have separate interests and common interests. That is the foundation in a healthy marriage. I am comfortable with going to Church because I enjoy it. You don't have to agree with it and that's okay with me."
Smile and walk away.
Good to hear from you Wonka! Been a while.
That's a good way to put it.
I know where she's coming from on this. My parents are very religious (Dad's a pastor) and in her mind me being involved in a church makes me too much like them. She has the same hangup about golf. Anything that I do or say that reminds her of them freaks her out. To me golf is a chance to go out with my buddies, drink, smoke cigars, cuss, and maybe get the ball in the hole once in a blue moon. To her it's me trying to be like my hated parents.
The way you put it is better than what ran through my mind. Basically I told her that I was committed to working on my shortcomings but I refused to kowtow to her prejudices. Maybe a little more direct than I should have been, but keeping my tone under control was an issue at the time.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
) . . . or she won't.