For me, DB has been about learning to let go in general and I am trying so hard to do that. It doesn't help that I am having to see XH every day right now, but his insistence that I shouldn't be mad at him and that he is trying to hard to "help" me are really pushing me toward walking away forever. Hang in there, Rzr. Prayers and positive thoughts coming your way from LA (Lower Arkansas...hee hee).
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I think that's right. I thought I was more detached than I was, but I've found out that my feeling of detachment was too dependent on W's phase. During her EA my anger was channeled more productively and it helped me to detach. Where I lost some of that detachment was after the EA was over and she started going through her anger phase with me. That pushed my buttons for sure and I reacted more angrily than I should have. Not always, but still too much. She's moving past that anger, at least for now, and I'm finding it easier to stay even keel.
That's not the way it should work. It's important that I stay straight and level regardless of what she throws at me. just because right now she's not angry with me doesn't mean for a second that she won't again.
Big picture I'm sure it's far better to have her under the same roof while we're going through this, but part of me wonders if it wouldn't have been easier for me to detach consistently if we had been physically separated. That's pure speculation. I'm not about to suggest it.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Big picture I'm sure it's far better to have her under the same roof while we're going through this, but part of me wonders if it wouldn't have been easier for me to detach consistently if we had been physically separated. That's pure speculation. I'm not about to suggest it.
Interesting question. In thinking back, I do think it helped me that my wife and I were separated and living in two different houses during the first part of our piecing. We "dated" each other for awhile, and then she started inviting me to stay over, and then pretty soon I just moved into her rental house and we let our daughter rent out our house from us because she and our son-in-law needed a place to stay. Now that I read your post, I'm remembering times when it was probably good that we each had our own place to go back to.
I think we're too far along in our sitch to really consider it now (unless something really goes wrong) so this is more of an academic discussion. Early on I wouldn't entertain the idea of a trial separation; my stance was that trials didn't work and just made it easier to D, and avoiding D was the only thing I cared about back then. The problem is that we spent too much time in each other's faces; it made it harder for me to detach and I think the separation could have helped W realize what life without me really entailed. Of course, she could have decided it was better :-)
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Well I haven't suggested it very much on the board, but personally, I do think there are cases where two separate houses would help. The longer I read posts from people who label their stitch as "in-house separation", the more convinced I am that it doesn't work. The only thing separate is maybe sleeping in two separate beds. The couple may call themselves S, but I don't recall ever seeing where they actually acted it. I remember one case where the house was large enough it had separate living quarters, but then the WAS always seem to show up around dinner time. So, there you go.
I still say, Rzrback, you are trying to hold too tightly. And if your temper doesn't stay down a lot more, S may still be something to consider. Another reason you may not have wanted physical S was b/c you didn't feel like you could control things as well. As I see it, this all works together (holding too tightly, anger, and controlling), but it's working against you.
Back in the day, it seemed couples would almost always S to see if they could work things out. Today, it seems they head straight for D without considering S. Speaking from my own situation, if my H would have left my poor little WAW a$$ to go live somewhere else, I don't think it would have taken me very much time to make a decision on what I wanted.
Even when you are trying to get to the stronger piecing stage, I can see how it could be beneficial, for some, to live separately. Again, these are just my opinions. People have to do what works.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I did better at detaching when my W and I were S. Not seeing her everyday made it easier to slowly stop wondering about her and what she is doing. The peace and quiet allowed me time to think about myself.
We tried living together a couple different times, but it was way too early and I shifted from being independent to always trying to "force" the reconciliation.
My W even said that she did better and thought we were a better couple when we were separated.
I am getting a D and moving out, but I feel that this separation could be the only thing to possibly work for us to rebuild a new R.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
I still say, Rzrback, you are trying to hold too tightly. And if your temper doesn't stay down a lot more, S may still be something to consider. Another reason you may not have wanted physical S was b/c you didn't feel like you could control things as well. As I see it, this all works together (holding too tightly, anger, and controlling), but it's working against you.
No doubt I am still trying to control things. The main reason I opposed S early in our sitch was that I didn't want to give her carte blanche to pursue OM. I had images of her escalating her contact with him and even running off to see him when he was in town, unfettered by her meddling husband. If that's not trying to control things, then nothing is. I had also been advised by a friend who was also a marriage counselor to consider trial S as a last resort option. In his experience S just served to make the D more likely.
I the light of day, I feel detached enough to be ready for anything...until she says something that spikes my fear of losing her. I did have a small victory this morning. She woke me up at 3:30am, talking about how sad and disconnected she felt. I was able to use some of the emotional aikido techniques that Wonka suggested. I kept my cool, validated her, and within 10 minutes we were laughing over some funny pics she had posted on Facebook.
Sometimes I wonder what's really motivating me. Is it that I'm really wanting this marriage to work, or that I can't stomach the image of her with someone else? I forget that there were a few times through our M where I would have been the WAS if it wasn't for the kids. Whatever the case, I know there are lots of good things about our current life that I do not want to leave behind, and I certainly don't want to fracture our family. Bottom line, I can't shake the feeling that I would greatly regret losing her, especially if I ended up deciding to walk away. It's that fear that keeps me hanging on so hard. I feel like we have everything that makes a good M with the exception of emotional and physical intimacy. If that could get rekindled, we would be on a good trajectory for sure.
Quote:
Even when you are trying to get to the stronger piecing stage, I can see how it could be beneficial, for some, to live separately. Again, these are just my opinions. People have to do what works.
We had discussed a trial S where we continued MC and only dated each other. We shelved that, but it might be worth considering if there's no progress in the next few months, or if I can't get my temper under better control.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Sometimes I wonder what's really motivating me. Is it that I'm really wanting this marriage to work, or that I can't stomach the image of her with someone else?
How do you feel about finding someone as good as your W or even better? What would be your chances?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
