When I look at things rationally, my chances are pretty darn good. I would have the benefit of experience, more confidence, and a better sense of self, which could only help in selecting a more compatible mate.
I've lost 35 pounds and I'm in the best shape I've been since college. I've been getting all kinds of female attention at work. When a muy caliente Latina co-worker, a woman I considered out of my league a year ago, flirted with me in the break room for no particular reason, it made me feel just a bit better about my sitch.
I hate thinking about my marriage in that way, thinking that I should be considering better offers, but that's reality. We're steeped in the idea that marriage is supposed to be forever, but the truth is that sometimes relationships don't withstand our evolution as people. I know rationally that there are sure to be women out there with whom I would be happier, just as I know there are men other than me that she would find more compatible. I'm sure me finding someone that made me happy would take the edge of the idea of her being with someone else. I certainly wouldn't want to deny her happiness.
But...
I love my W. She's the only woman I've been with since I was 21 years old. She's my family, the mother of my children. Despite her behavior the last few months she's a wonderful person. She's a sexy, smart, funny woman in her own right. Why should I want more?
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I'm fully aware of my hypocrisy. When I think of me being in a happy relationship with someone else, it makes me feel good. When I think of her being in a happy relationship with someone else, it's devastating.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Nothing really new to report. We had an OK weekend. Our MC session was tense.
Familiar pattern was followed; OK during the day, not so much at night when things started to wind down.
Her basic rhetoric now is that she feels lost and disconnected; not just from me but from her friends as well. She went out with her married friends this weekend, and felt isolated from them because they seem all happy in their Ms and she's not. She's not angry (for the moment), but just has lost her emotional connection and therefore attraction for me. In MC she said that she would love nothing better than to get that started again, but she doesn't know how or if it's even possible. I'm glad she wants to, but wanting is not enough.
She basically treats me like a friendly roommate a good portion of the time. If there's any affection, it's usually initiated by me. Sex is just plain off the table right now. She's not angry or cruel, but she just keeps her walls up with me.
Is initiating affection even a good idea? I want to continue with the love tank, but I don't want to encourage cake eating; It seems to me that she wants a husband around to keep the bed warm, fix things, help with the kids, but she doesn't seem to want to act much like a wife. Not just sex, but general warmth.
I mentioned dopamine and she did take the initiative to Google that. Would it be a good idea to encourage her to read about PEA? If it is, does anyone have a link to something not overly scientific that she can read?
Just keeping myself as cool as possible, concentrating on GAL:
Getting my flight instructing business organized into a real business and not just a hobby that pays
Fitness, fitness, fitness. Training for the marathon relay in March
Finding things to do with the kids.
Reading and listening to everything on self-improvement I can find.
Last edited by Rzrback; 02/23/1511:32 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I think the more important part to have W focus is on the maturation stages of love in a marriage. PEAs is only one part. It does not help you and W move forward.
Isn't your MC working on a solution-based approach in getting you two to recognize that the early phases of a marriage is one of lust and excitement because it was all new and exciting. Then life happens: kids, mortgage, etc.
To me, I am chiding the MC in a way for not really pointing out the obvious when it comes to mature love and working on nurturing the marital throughout the course of the M.
In my mind, I do think you two need to draw up a plan to find your way back to the M. Especially for W to realize that all marriages go through ups and downs. Marriage and conflict does go hand-in-hand.
As for the "sundown syndrome" in your M, I'd make notations in a solutions journal, for say, 2 to 3 weeks. This way, you'll be able to see some clear patterns and figure a way out of them with the help and guidance from the MC. The cycle needs to be broken some way.
I think the more important part to have W focus is on the maturation stages of love in a marriage. PEAs is only one part. It does not help you and W move forward.
Isn't your MC working on a solution-based approach in getting you two to recognize that the early phases of a marriage is one of lust and excitement because it was all new and exciting. Then life happens: kids, mortgage, etc.
To me, I am chiding the MC in a way for not really pointing out the obvious when it comes to mature love and working on nurturing the marital throughout the course of the M.
In my mind, I do think you two need to draw up a plan to find your way back to the M. Especially for W to realize that all marriages go through ups and downs. Marriage and conflict does go hand-in-hand.
As for the "sundown syndrome" in your M, I'd make notations in a solutions journal, for say, 2 to 3 weeks. This way, you'll be able to see some clear patterns and figure a way out of them with the help and guidance from the MC. The cycle needs to be broken some way.
Does the MC give you and W homework assignments?
It was just unusual for W to want to read something factual...her normal way is to feel her way through everything. Objective knowledge in the past has been seen as "manipulative" or interfering with her "clarity".
The MC does give us homework. It started with active listening exercises and communication skills. We're supposed to have a date night once a week. We've been working through a book about surviving affairs.
To be honest, I'm a little frustrated with the MC. Strangely enough, I'm not sure we're not spending too much time on the A. The A certainly didn't help things, but it's not the root cause of our problems. We'll see how the next few sessions play out. To be fair, we've had a couple of sessions cancelled because of bad weather and scheduling issues, so we're a little behind where we should be. The MC did say that we're going to start working on these things here in the near future
1. Lessons to takeaway from the A 2. Forgiveness - my forgiveness of her the A, and her forgiveness of me for my mistakes, and my parents for what they did. I think that the resentment she's carrying for my parents is making it harder for her to connect with me.
I think we both recognize that the lust phase doesn't last in even a healthy relationship. She insists that it's bigger than that...that she doesn't feel connected or attracted to me and she wonders if it's too broken.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I could be wrong because I only check in here sporadically, but I think you guys are spending wayyyyyy too much time focusing on/discussing the A and your "problems." In doing so, you're pretty much holding a mirror up to your problems 24/7. I know it's mostly your W's hang-up, but you don't seem to be helping matters by not being solution-oriented and trying to come up with SOMETHING that poses a solution to the recurring problem.
Try the date nights I've harped about. Plan something fun ... something that will make you both laugh. Something that either PREVENTS you from talking ... or you both agree that the dates will be "A-free" nights. No talking about the A or your relationship.
Do you have a comedy club nearby?
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I agree the MC needs to move on with this. I don't think she has gotten W's undivided attention, yet. Has she even explained to W what to expect with the withdrawals, etc.? And how the feelings of the A affected the brain?
I suggest looking for ideas to use in the evenings, once behind bedroom doors. Don't try to make them romantic, just sweet or fun. Don't let her in on your surprise until it is time to spring into action. IDK..........things like spreading a picnic cloth and unpacking her very favorite snacks & drink. She may be a little suspicious b/c usually when men do these things, they are building the female up to have sex. Another idea that may take a little prep time is to plan a treasure hunt in the bedroom. Use sticky notes that have clues to the next place and the next.....until she finds the treasure. Maybe a Lockett with a baby picture of your daughter or something less expensive, but just as sweet to her. Prepare a bubble bath and you dress like some kind of sex slave. But be sure to tell her ahead of the bath time, that there will be no sex for her tonight........just pampering. After the bath, have lay on the bed with nothing but the towel. Use body lotions/oils and give her a full body massage. Remember, it is all about her, and unless she seduces you.......there can't be any sex. Use your imagine mixed with what you know she likes and come up with distractions during the time she would usually want to have a R talk. Can't do it every night, but maybe once a week?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
