Life 2.0 Pt 5

[Wonka]

Rzr,

I've used romantic coupons from a coupon book where you tear one off and lay it on Ms. Wonka's pillow case. They're fun and light. Those were great bonding moments for Ms. Wonka and I. Yeah, I was good at working the romance pre-MLC.

[NH115]

Rzr,

I could be wrong because I only check in here sporadically, but I think you guys are spending wayyyyyy too much time focusing on/discussing the A and your "problems." In doing so, you're pretty much holding a mirror up to your problems 24/7. I know it's mostly your W's hang-up, but you don't seem to be helping matters by not being solution-oriented and trying to come up with SOMETHING that poses a solution to the recurring problem.

Try the date nights I've harped about. Plan something fun ... something that will make you both laugh. Something that either PREVENTS you from talking ... or you both agree that the dates will be "A-free" nights. No talking about the A or your relationship.

Do you have a comedy club nearby?

No, that's exactly it. We spend too much time talking about our problems. The A in and of itself has faded as a topic of discussion, but it's getting to the point where it's all about her and how she feels, which is disconnected. I suggest doing things, and her stock response is "how will that help?" "I just don't feel it!" She's convinced that in order for us to reconnect some mysterious "thing" will have to just happen spontaneously and she'll "feel it" again.

I think what I'm going to need to do is just plan something on my own and just tell her to be ready. Unfortunately we don't have a comedy club nearby, but there's got to be something we can do. Keeping it light and fun w/o romantic pressure is vital right now

[NH115]

Ugh.......lost my post. I hate when that happens.

I agree the MC needs to move on with this. I don't think she has gotten W's undivided attention, yet. Has she even explained to W what to expect with the withdrawals, etc.?
And how the feelings of the A affected the brain?

I suggest looking for ideas to use in the evenings, once behind bedroom doors. Don't try to make them romantic, just sweet or fun. Don't let her in on your surprise until it is time to spring into action. IDK..........things like spreading a picnic cloth and unpacking her very favorite snacks & drink. She may be a little suspicious b/c usually when men do these things, they are building the female up to have sex. Another idea that may take a little prep time is to plan a treasure hunt in the bedroom. Use sticky notes that have clues to the next place and the next.....until she finds the treasure. Maybe a Lockett with a baby picture of your daughter or something less expensive, but just as sweet to her. Prepare a bubble bath and you dress like some kind of sex slave. But be sure to tell her ahead of the bath time, that there will be no sex for her tonight........just pampering. After the bath, have lay on the bed with nothing but the towel. Use body lotions/oils and give her a full body massage. Remember, it is all about her, and unless she seduces you.......there can't be any sex. Use your imagine mixed with what you know she likes and come up with distractions during the time she would usually want to have a R talk. Can't do it every night, but maybe once a week?

I'm a little frustrated with the MC right now. We are spending too much time on the A. I keep wondering when we'll get to the point.

I like the picnic idea, and the massage. Yes right now something with too much sex pressure is out. I like the idea of putting it back on her to seduce me. If she wants Rzr, she has to come get Rzr

It's dawned on me that I've been with this woman for 21 years and I don't really have a clue about how to connect with her sexually. We used to be just horny college students so it wasn't too difficult. Once we got past that stage and got into real life, we didn't pay attention, and just did it when the spirit moved us.

[sandi2]

I suggest doing things, and her stock response is "how will that help?" "I just don't feel it!" She's convinced that in order for us to reconnect some mysterious "thing" will have to just happen spontaneously and she'll "feel it" again.

I know that feeling all too well. That is why I said the MC hasn't gotten her attention yet. She is wanting to experience the same feelings she had in the A. She has to get one man out of her system before she can have feelings for the other one.

She is still operating out of emotions. And although I am very sympathetic, she is also using it as a cop out. It is hard to do like MWD says and do the action first and let feelings follow later. I'm sure that is very painful for you, too, knowing she feels nothing. Both of you are suffering. She is craving passion and attraction, but she feels none for her H, so she compares that with how she feels or felt toward OM. Could be what she wants to "clarify" when he returns, to see if she still feels the spark.

Yes, you can get all sorts of romantic ideas from the Internet,however, most of them are very dated and people need some fresh new one. Just try to find something using search words such as "bedroom, surprises, wife". Even if you type in "unromantic", you get romantic ideas. Now as a woman, I can think of all kinds of fun, and romantic things for me to do to surprise my H. I dare say some of the most fun we ever had was some of these little things I cooked up (and had no Internet to help come up with these gems). oh...... but I did so enjoy dressing up in costumes for him.

[sandi2]

I think what I'm going to need to do is just plan something on my own and just tell her to be ready.

I can't help it, I have to tell this. Know what a redneck's idea of foreplay is? "Brace yourself, Ethel".

Sorry, it just popped in my head when I read what you said above.

I'll try to behave myself, now.

[NH115]

I know that feeling all too well. That is why I said the MC hasn't gotten her attention yet. She is wanting to experience the same feelings she had in the A. She has to get one man out of her system before she can have feelings for the other one.

She is still operating out of emotions. And although I am very sympathetic, she is also using it as a cop out. It is hard to do like MWD says and do the action first and let feelings follow later. I'm sure that is very painful for you, too, knowing she feels nothing. Both of you are suffering. She is craving passion and attraction, but she feels none for her H, so she compares that with how she feels or felt toward OM. Could be what she wants to "clarify" when he returns, to see if she still feels the spark.

You hit the nail on the head. I said in MC that I felt like I was competing with OM. Not directly, as in she's choosing between us, but with what she thought she had with him. She's even said that she's not so much in love with OM per se, but rather the idea.

I've told her point blank (not that it means much coming from me) that her feelings for OM, whatever they may be, are blocking her from reconnecting with me.

[NH115]

LOL! I thought that too when I posted. I was meaning date plans, but it sure sounds like that

[Train]

She's even said that she's not so much in love with OM per se, but rather the idea.

Rzr, my H told me once he was home: "It's not that I loved OW; it's that I loved how she made me feel about MYSELF."

I'm finding that KEY as we maneuver our way through this crooked, bumpy, wildly-dangerous road of "piecing". I even went back through the texts I had screenshot to find out what she was saying to him, and what she was sending to him, to realize what it was, exactly, that she was "making him feel about himself" ( , right?).

This isn't a magic bullet. But maybe if you can figure out THAT little nugget, you can start adding it SUBTLY to your every-day interactions with W.

I say subtle, in your case, because your W seems to be the kind of woman that likes to be in control of things ... and the pace of things. If your efforts are "obvious" - even if they're noble and genuine and something that most women would lap-up - your W sounds like the type that will lash out just because there's a HINT that you're doing this awesome thing ON PURPOSE to "make her happy" or to "make her love you again."

I mean, how DARE you!



Again, she sounds awfully familiar to me (cough, cough, my sister). I often say about people like that: They'll hear a great idea from someone else, and they'll completely reject it. But if you make it seem like THEIR idea? Oh-Em-GEEEE!!!! It's so totally the BEST IDEA EVERRRRR!

... Am I gettin' warm?

[NH115]

Train, you're so warm you melted the rest of the ice on my driveway.

She is very much accustomed to calling the shots. From what she's told me, OM made her feel beautiful and appreciated during a time when i was wrapped up in my own issues, and she felt dirty from how my parents had treated her. He also made her laugh when things felt so serious and heavy at home. He validated her as a woman during a time that she felt taken for granted.


One thing I've been working on is injecting humor into our lives when possible. Contrived things like standup comedy doesnt work for her, but I make sure to tell her about funny things that happen at work and take note of the things that make us both laugh at home. Interestingly enough, when she says that we never laugh anymore, I'll point out times that we have had good laughs, some only a few hours before, and she'll dismiss them. Maybe it's because she's being told something instead of figuring it out herself.

[sandi2]

From what she's told me, OM made her feel beautiful and appreciated during a time when i was wrapped up in my own issues, and she felt dirty from how my parents had treated her. He also made her laugh when things felt so serious and heavy at home. He validated her as a woman during a time that she felt taken for granted.

I identify with what Train said about her H and what your W has said. The A is all about the good feelings. And the fantasy is built on the AP's ability to continue in making you feel special, sexy, smart, beautiful, etc. B/c of this, I believe the WAS has to be hit with enough reality, as the main result of the infidelity, to start a process that takes away from the A.

My OM was good! I think, now, he probably was very experienced laying the sweet talk on pretty thick. And whereas I had never been swayed by any flirty talk like this in the past, I found myself in a really bad place in my life. I was vulnerable and he said all the right things. He gave me ego shots that felt fantastic. It didn't matter if I took it seriously.........it made me feel great at the time. So great, that I continued to go back for more. Makes me sick, now.

Train is right about working it in slowly. I don't know about men, but I think a WW will hear the same words from the H and it turns her off. He sounds fake. He has motives, etc., (which AP certainly did.....but that was different, right?) Until she gets OM out of her system, the H could easily see this as a no-win situation for him. My H has always been very complimentary, but it just did not have the same effect as when it came from a stranger. That's so sad! It sounds sick, and I guess it is. In the beginning of the A, everything is new and fresh. I think there other psychological effects at work. For me, I didn't set out for an A, it was an escape from my painful reality. But a few moments of escape into a fantasy, turned into a nightmare for my M.

I believe you are on the right track with keeping things light & as humorous as possible. And give the heavy stuff a rest. The MR has taken a terrible hit and has to take a break from the grief sometimes. That's hard to do when she's depressed. You just have to keep at it, and keep it balanced.