Life 2.0 Pt 5

[NH115]

I identify with what Train said about her H and what your W has said. The A is all about the good feelings. And the fantasy is built on the AP's ability to continue in making you feel special, sexy, smart, beautiful, etc. B/c of this, I believe the WAS has to be hit with enough reality, as the main result of the infidelity, to start a process that takes away from the A.

My OM was good! I think, now, he probably was very experienced laying the sweet talk on pretty thick. And whereas I had never been swayed by any flirty talk like this in the past, I found myself in a really bad place in my life. I was vulnerable and he said all the right things. He gave me ego shots that felt fantastic. It didn't matter if I took it seriously.........it made me feel great at the time. So great, that I continued to go back for more. Makes me sick, now.

What you're telling me is basically what W has told me in a nutshell. Check again...are you sure you're not my wife?

I'd like her to have a little reality slap here and there, but I don't think that's something I can engineer. Is that something that she has to come to on her own?

Train is right about working it in slowly. I don't know about men, but I think a WW will hear the same words from the H and it turns her off. He sounds fake. He has motives, etc., (which AP certainly did.....but that was different, right?) Until she gets OM out of her system, the H could easily see this as a no-win situation for him. My H has always been very complimentary, but it just did not have the same effect as when it came from a stranger. That's so sad! It sounds sick, and I guess it is. In the beginning of the A, everything is new and fresh. I think there other psychological effects at work. For me, I didn't set out for an A, it was an escape from my painful reality. But a few moments of escape into a fantasy, turned into a nightmare for my M.

If she says we don't laugh enough, I'll point out instances in the very recent past where we have had a great laugh about something, and she'll dismiss it. She says she can't be sexual with me, and I'll point out that some of our best ML sessions in years happened just in the last couple of months, and she'll dismiss it, because it's just not the same. One thing I like to do in the morning is watch her get dressed for work. Not in a staring creepy, way, but I'll keep an eye on her when I'm doing my thing. It's one of those ordinary things that women do that many men find sexy. I'll often slip in a (suggestive) compliment about how she looks.

But I know it doesn't have the same impact because it doesn't come from OM. I suppose that's human nature; even before our sitch, having a cute stranger flirt with me was a much bigger ego boost than when my wife did. My wife's supposed to be there, the stranger could have just kept her mouth shut.

I believe you are on the right track with keeping things light & as humorous as possible. And give the heavy stuff a rest. The MR has taken a terrible hit and has to take a break from the grief sometimes. That's hard to do when she's depressed. You just have to keep at it, and keep it balanced.

Very true. It's been hard to keep that going without seeming over the top.

[Train]

I don't know about men, but I think a WW will hear the same words from the H and it turns her off. He sounds fake. He has motives, etc., (which AP certainly did.....but that was different, right?) Until she gets OM out of her system, the H could easily see this as a no-win situation for him. My H has always been very complimentary, but it just did not have the same effect as when it came from a stranger. That's so sad! It sounds sick, and I guess it is. In the beginning of the A, everything is new and fresh. I think there other psychological effects at work.

I absolutely could not agree more. It's those freakin' brain-chemicals (PEA, dopamine, etc.) associated with As, which are addictions. And addictions, as we know, are serious, scary business.

Wonka once told me: "Be the OW to the OW." I thought that was a perfect way to look at it. I know that's easier for women than it is for men who are trying to re-attract their female spouses. I don't envy y'all; it must feel like all-out mental warfare to try to crack the code that is a woman. LOL! (Sorry, I shouldn't laugh ...)

Be proactive, but have patience. I really do think you're on the right track ... mainly because, hey, she's still there! That's a good sign, right?

[NH115]

Thanks, Train. Yes, she's still here. I see small positive things in her, even though she doesn't seem to notice. She's been very adamant about wanting to find a way to reconnect with me, but not knowing how. I'll take that over an attitude of indifference any day.

And yes, you women are freaking enigmas.

[Train]

Yes. Yes, we are!