I like the C and how she's presenting the A to your W. Gosh...it will take some time before W gets the XOM out of her system. If I recall correctly, Sandi took about 7 months or so to get her own XOM out of her system.
I was surprised at how much it helped not to talk about our R all the time. I was afraid that we would be sweeping things under the rug. But no, it's done a lot for both of our stress levels. We're trying to keep our R talks confined to MC now and I think it's helping. W even said that it was a good session. I was starting to get a little frustrated with the C, but she was much more clear and direct this week. That and the fact that W and I actually allowed each other to talk instead of using our session to argue might have helped just a bit :-)
W said in MC this week that she didn't feel like she had been in love with OM as much as she was in love with the validation he provided. Her rhetoric lately has been more about trying to figure things out in her mind and improving herself. May just be talk at this point but she's always been an "emotions on her sleeve" type of person.
Unfortunately OM comes to town next week. She hasn't said a word to me. I'm not going to say anything either; I want to see what happens.
Last edited by Rzrback; 03/03/1506:58 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
As an addendum, the C said something interesting in session this week. W was expressing frustration at how long it was taking to get OM out of her system. The C said that relationships and the feelings they spawn are either being fed or starved. If they are not being fed, then they wither. Unfortunately that's what we allowed to happen to our M. We're trying to feed it now and hopefully resuscitate it. On the flip side, it was also working that way for my W and OM. The longer they go without communicating, feeding that R, then it'll eventually wither and die. I knew this, just never heard it put that way.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Even the last one will hold her back. If the formerly wayward spouse doesn't commit to full NC and transparency, and do her part to AS BEST SHE CAN not intentionally ruminate about her former affair partner (say, by stalking him on Facebook, or keeping old gifts he gave her, or re-reading old text messages and emails, etc.) . . . it's going to take her a lot, LOT longer to become open again emotionally to her husband, if ever.
I don't know which of these, if any, she might be doing, Rzr. But at a minimum she seems to be holding onto him in her mind and heart.
If she's doing anything, it's ruminating (even the C used that word). She has looked him up on Facebook (although not in the last few days), but has not kept old texts, emails (there were never any to my knowledge), etc.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I was surprised at how much it helped not to talk about our R all the time. I was afraid that we would be sweeping things under the rug. But no, it's done a lot for both of our stress levels.
Are you that surprised given how it all went downhill after each R talk? Even at nighttime when those talks were at it's worst?
Talking about the R just makes you all focus on the bad parts...that entails W focusing on the negatives which puts you on the defensive. Not very productive or solution-oriented, right?
I think it would be best to use the time out of MC to work on reconnecting. I'd suggest that you find ways to inject humor for laughter is the best bonding chemical between spouses. Tell a joke or engage in a friendly banter.
Even a simple joking comment-- "I'm such a class act" if you fumble over some project or household chore...
(FYI, Ms. Wonka and I spoke on the phone last Friday afternoon...one of our rare phone calls. I make a joke to her and Ms. Wonka laughed as she was visibly a bit nervous. Humor...beats everything else, right?)
You get the idea.
I think your W has given you a very important clue about getting validation from the XOM. Are you able to do this? Can you?!
One of the former moderators, JamesJohn (the BEST one ever), relayed to me how he was able to rebuild the connection with his W in the sense that he was the only one who knew her interests, hobbies, etc. He told me one story of how he and his wife enjoyed attending some antique shops. Then he went and bought his wife a particular book that he knew his W would enjoy. Those things are what husbands and wives know about each other after being in a long-term marriage.
My point is to really think back to a time when you and W were in tune with each other during happier times. What things makes W tick? What makes W giddy?
She didn't talk about PEA today, but did talk about how her emotional connection to OM was actively blocking her from reconnecting with me.
Absolutely!
I think your W and I can relate in our experiences. And remember, I was coming here every single night until I would nearly drop.......and then go to bed and think about all the "what ifs" until I finally fell asleep. I hate to think what it would have been like if I had not received help from the board. She is getting help from the C, although it's not a daily feed.
That part was the last battle of the war for me, so to speak. Overcoming those thoughts that seem to intrude the brain takes some determination. Truthfully, I didn't put up much of a resistance at first, until I realized I would never have peace nor hope for my M as long as I was dreaming about OM.
She is so right when she says it was about how the OM made her feel. Those ego shots felt great, and that's part of the addiction. If he had not made her feel so special, why would she have even been interested? Just as you did the same thing when you met her and wanted to date her, right? If you had first started out by smothering her and talking about what kind of R the two of you could have if she would work with you, she would have taken off running. First, she had to feel attracted to you. And admit it, you know you did all you could to help it along.
The difference between your W and my situation was that there was no more contact once my EA ended. I sure hope she is able to stay the course when he comes to town next week. It will be difficult for both of you, I'm sure. You've got your team here pulling for you two.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We stayed in the R talk pattern as long as we did because we're both fixers...to both of us, not talking was ignoring and letting things fester. It both took us a long time (as you're well aware) to realize that we were a) beating dead horses and b) making ourselves feel worse than we did before.
Not feeling the need for R talks has also brought us out of the bedroom and into the main part of the house. More life, more interaction with the kids. She's engaging in her creative pursuits more and more (photography).
When W told her best friend about OM, his question to her was "what is missing in your marriage that he's giving to you?" Her answer was, "He's in a good mood." That goes back to my old moodiness; my inability to laugh at myself. Now I keep things upbeat in the house. If there's something funny that happens to me in life, I make sure to share it with her. If I screw something up, I make a joke about it. When one of our favorite sitcoms is on, I make sure it's playing. She exaggerates my lack of humor before, but it's not a totally out there criticism.
We're both big movie buffs, so we have a whole repertoire together of movie lines that fits our life situations. I'll trot out some of our favorite lines on occasion. It's one of the things that tends to bind us.
One nut I'm having a hard time cracking is sexuality. While I still am certain that they did not have sex, OM awakened her sexually during a time that she didn't feel that with me. He validated her as a woman. I compliment her, I openly admire her when she's naked, or getting dressed, I give her affection....but she still will not have sex (for the record I am not initiating, to keep the pressure off). She just says it makes her very uncomfortable. He turned her on spontaneously and naturally, in a way I apparently haven't in a long time. Her biggest issue with our relationship is her inability to feel that sexual chemistry with me. If she could feel that again, that would be a huge win. Emotional intimacy is a prerequisite for physical intimacy, at least with her, so I've been concentrating on that instead.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
You are so wise to stay focused on re-building an emotional connection with W and keeping the pressure off sexually. At the same time - wow - it occurs to me that you really deserve a big pat on the back for your strength and dedication to your W and M. How fortunate your W is to have a H willing to go without HIS needs being met for the greater good of the M!
Good on you, Rzr. I have to believe it's only a matter of time before W sees for herself that she has quite the catch. And she's had him right there with her all along.
As for feeling like you two are sweeping things under the rug when you don't talk about the R vs. being high-stress when you DO speak about it? Oh, man. Can I ever empathize!! I/We had the SAME dilemma in the first several months after H came home. I won't harp on it because it seems you're already seeing your own solution. And it sounds like W might see it, too.
Nothing more to add to all the great perspectives you're getting. Just wanted to pop by and say: Kudos to you! Keep rollin'!!
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Thanks for the encouragement, Train. Stepping away from constant R talks is probably the best move we've made in a while (I give my W a lot of credit here too). Wish I would have done that sooner, as I was advised to do by Starsky, Wonka, et. al.
Don't pat me on the back too hard; I've seriously considered going out "hunting" on more than one occasion. It's one of the cruel ironies of life that women seem to come out of the woodwork during times like these. That's OK. However this sitch turns out I want to be able to say I did it right. My needs won't go wanting forever
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
