Part 15 - a blue edz rising

[edz]

Well got through s's work sheets, made him some soup today for lunch as we're trying to keep his bread consumption down a little now he's having some computer time.

Have to say I'm still feeling really unsettled today which is really unusual when s is here maybe its because Im also working. I dont understand it though, would have thought if anything id be having problems keeping a handle on thinking things are going well and having expectations that could lead to trouble down the road.

Thats not the case. Possibly since theres been no mention of "thing" and I dont know if w just wants to wait to try to keep me as a friend, she certainly hasnt said she wants to reconcile in so many words but she equally was very happy i'm not dating theres also the whol going out to dinner conversation.

Arghh too many thoughts in my head all competing for space. I know relax, its troubling since theres no real "action" to take, going dim wouldnt help my mind racing and seems the wrong reaction given where we are and also that im not pursuing right now and emails / texts seem to be balancing following the weekend.

Pursuing further seems an equally bad idea.

Im not afraid of starting with Dinner or worried about it either (maybe what w will want to tell me I suppose).

So holding fast and trying to just relax more seems a good idea. No GAL tonight since S is here until 7 or 8 but tomorrow Im in the office then swimming and then seeing if the gym is packed out, Friday is also swimming since I didnt get to go on Sunday.

The weekend is a bit of an unknown as yet.

Discombobulated right now!

[gan]

Yes, I think Arghh has become my most frequently used word. Or at least it would be if I wrote out everything that is going on in my head right now. It's interesting - our sitches are very different (unique ) but I relate a lot to how you are feeling ATM. I wish us both some peace!

[edz]

Oh and since I note I didnt mention it above, yes, still love w and still really want to reconcile. I was feeling that she was the one who did NOT want this. Over our last few meetings she's not specifically said she wants to reconcile only that:

She cant hit a reset button / switch
She had a lot of bad time over the past years
She absolutely wants to speak to me just timing (in tears)
She's not seeing or has seen anyone / happy Im not either / has made no encouragement for me to do so (huge change from last July when she was saying she hoped I found someone)
Thinking on going out to dinner just as a couple

We've also had small moments that Im really not trying to blow out of all proportion such as her feeding me her cheesecake, small touching, waving instead of just backing away or turning back and going. These sound trivial but seem warmer.

So, yes, if nothing else I know dating (others) is not in my immediate future and i'm continuing to stand. W could still drop "thing" though, we shall see.

Confused bear...

[edz]

Thanks Gan, just read your thread too, right back at you my friend

[gan]

We've also had small moments that Im really not trying to blow out of all proportion such as her feeding me her cheesecake, small touching, waving instead of just backing away or turning back and going. These sound trivial but seem warmer.

Er...when you talk about the cheeeeeesecake, do you mean she gave you her leftovers or she literally placed her cheeeeeeesecake in your mouth? Coz if the latter, that does kinda seem like a big deal. Not something I typically do with my neighbour for instance. Nor my friends.

[edz]

The latter, she and s had some I didnt since Im really invested in my getting fitter. She asked would I like some, cut some off with her spoon, dipped in cream and fed it to me.

W is very picky with cleanliness etc so I wasnt sure was I just making a big thing of it in my mind as well. She then went back to eating with the same spoon btw.

[gan]

Well I don't want to turn it into a big thing if it wasn't but that doesn't speak "it's over" to me. Hang in there, Edz. Slow is fast...

[edz]

Thanks Gan,

I honestly don't know if its a big thing or not. If I'm honest I felt it was a big gesture both at the time and now but I immediately question myself as to whether I'm overreacting! I therefore said nothing bar the cheese (cheeeeeeeeese) cake related Mmmm very nice / thank yous

My current read is at the very least she's conflicted as to where she wants to go. Nothing in stone about a date (calendar date not "date") to go to dinner so it's best I let things trundle for a while and don't pressure.

Think its why I'm so confused and nervous though, am I misreading all these small signs into something I want them to be when they're nothing but old habits or confusion on w's part and - despite my best intentions - I'm setting myself up for a disappointment.

Well there's only one way I'm going to find out I suppose...

Patience, all is patience.

[rd500]

Hi Edz, just a word of caution, things do seem on the up for you but please have no expectations. Just to give you some examples from my own sitch, W call me sweet heart, honey, loads of inuendo, told me the marriage wasn't bad, told me I'm a great dad, told me she wishs she could turn the clock back a few years, told me she hates her new life, told me she only happy when she's asleep, told me she misses me, told me she never realised what a great life she had, told me she is making a huge mistake, told me she is runing her life,will often touch my arm, wear my tops when she's at home, wearing her wedding ring and engagement ring this monday, calls me and texts almost everyday, etc, etc. BUT she does not live with me and lives a life apart from me. I think one of the vets said, actions, not words.

PLEASE don't take me the wrong way Edz, I am putting positive thoughts out there for you, I just want you to be careful with your expectations. From the above, I should have had the W's side of the bed warmed up !!!!!

I hope you take this post the way it's intended.

Positive signs, just be careful. Take care, Rd

[edz]

Well w locked herself out, luckilly I still had a spare key in the kitchen drawer (in with a load of others) as neither mil/fil were around.

Went around and let her in and left the key with her, she mentioned she'll get another cut and give it back to me. Confused conversation and w just seemed to be feeling hassled about me asking should we have a key to each others places (as I did, now I dont and she said she'll give me another - I wasn't suggesting her moving in or anything that would deserve a slap from everyone!).

To be fair I think she was just feeling a bit pushed so I made my exit as soon as I could (and I had to run anyway as I had a conference call 15 minutes later).

She did say she's not ruling anything in or anything out but doesn't want to feel pressured if we're spending time together.

I'm not sure why she feels pressured but I'll take that as a reason to back waaaaay off for now. Hey ho suppose it feeds into the w is definitely conflicted thoughts. I only went there as she locked herself out though, left me feeling a bit down tbh but hey ho on with the game.