Such an insightful post. Thank you! I will refer to it often. My WAY keeps wanting is to be friends and to coparent our kids. Right now thst is a spreadsheet And nothing else.
I have read the books and am actively employing their methods.
I have no idea if they are noticed or are successful but I am doing them for me and my kids. We will come out of this stronger.
I am a little surprised how much my Wayward spouse goes out of her way to hurt me and kick me when down but I guess that is part of the script.
Again thank you for your nuggets of wisdom And ezperience. As my wayward spouse has moved out - It's easier for me to GAL and try to put her out of my mind even though I still struggle.
Second to last paragraph, can't help but wonder if I made a mistake yesterday Sandi?? I presume to know your answer is yes. Did I just go backwards? I suppose time will tell where I'm at and if she was genuine with me or being manipulative.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
I actually responded on your thread about what you told her. Women can and do have sex without any feelings, and certainly without love. Historically, women used their sexuality to accomplish or conquer various goals in their life. Some were so limited in survival skills they had to rely on their sexual abilities. It still goes on today. . Mostly, I think women have used their sexuality to control. It happens with the little housewife and goes all the way up to the White House.
True, some HD women who are in an active A can have sex with OM and her H. I won't say your W was not....(ahem).....in the mood........but based on how easily she brushed it off afterwards, and went her merry way on her "night with the girls" instead of honoring your request to be with the family, I'd say she was temp checking and getting you back in the palm of her hand. Yes, control.
I hate to tell you, but you need to write it off as nothing. In the future, please stop telling your W how she feels!!
Go back to acting as if none of this sex took place and you have not changed your stance. Do not make any comments about the sex. Just let it alone.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you Sandi!! This just answered quite a few questions I was having. GREAT POST!!
I found a post from a guy on a different forum a month before I found this forum. He posted some things he learned from his WW. One thing that he said was after they had a big argument, he prepared himself for their separation. He acted as if she was leaving him. He started to think about what he needed to do. How he would take care of his kids. How he would go on with out her in his life. Once he started realizing he would be fine. It would hurt and be tough, but would get through it, he felt better about it. He acted "as if" they were separating. He moved on with his life. Stopped worrying about what she was doing. He said it did not take long before his wife noticed that she had pushed him to far and she was afraid she was losing him. She began to become more attached to him. He said at one point, she told him that she thought he could handle being without her better than she could handle being without him. Seems the rolls got reversed a little!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
You've been following my sitch, I plan on going to court and testifying against my W if asked to do it. I say this for three reasons:
1. I have to draw the line somewhere. Hitting is NEVER OK in my opinion. 2. I feel that if i let this go she will continue walking over me. 3. I am showing her "tough love".
Sandi, I was thinking a little about what happened with phunguy's experience. I started thinking about what I would do if my wife came down and wanted to do that with me. I would probably respond by telling her that as much as I would love doing that, I just can't as long as she is doing what she is doing on the phone with these other men. I guess my question is, what does that do to her insecurities right now. She has gone through alot of insecurity issues lately!! But I guess I have gone through some also since she has cut me off!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
My WAY keeps wanting is to be friends and to coparent our kids.
I forgot to comment on the "friends" part. I have written rather lengthly posts in past times on the friendship the WW claims she wants to keep with her LBH. I believe as in so many things with men & women that they have a different definition or something gets lost in translation.
Many times, the WW will drop the bomb and hit the H with, "but I hope we will always be friends" without hardly taking a breath. At that particular time, she is "done" and sees herself moving on, but she wants his full cooperation and no trouble. She is "soothing" his feelings by offering her great consolation prize of friendship. Maybe even BFF!
All the time, the poor H's head is spinning and hasn't had a chance to grasp the news with which she just blew him off planet earth. He desperately grabs for any crumbs she throws at him. Friends? His mind is reeling. He thinks by being friends they will be able to work out their issues and reconcile. In time, she will see his improvements and will realize she still loves him. Yes, friends sounds like a good idea to him.
However, that is not her thinking at all. If he agrees to this friendship, she will use it to her advantage in every possible way. Especially if they are living in separated houses. He becomes her handyman, plumber, electrician, errand boy, babysitter, and the best one of all......a gay boyfriend. She can cry on his shoulder when there is a problem between her and OM, and will expect his sympathy! She will expect him to drop every thing at the last minute and put her wishes as top priority 24/7. If he EVER complains or, heaven forbid, tell her "no"........she starts the old dance & song of now she knew she couldn't depend on him. He said he would be her friend and now .....yada, yada, yada. Do I need go continue. Or do you get the picture?
It is entrapment, guys, I'm telling you! Here's the point. She reduces you from a position that only ONE person can occupy. Her husband. Now she wants you to fill a role that anyone can have. Her friend. Now which role do you see as more valuable? As long as you act like her gay boyfriend (no offense to anyone) she will not see you any differently. It's up to you, if you want to settle for a friend relationship instead of a marriage relationship, that's your business. I only remember one man who was honest enough to admit that he would settle for friendship.......just to be close to her. How sad!
This is the epitome, IMHO, of the WW cake eating. She gets the A/OM as her main course and keeps H on the side as her BFF. Consequences? I would say NO.
Now about co-parenting. You can have a "friendly" (as in civil, cooperating) co-parenting arrangement without being chummy. Oh sure, she would be fine with going together to the school events, birthday parties, and anything else she has time to put aside. It beats her having to sit alone at the games, right? She is only cake eating, guys! She gets to participate in family/school activities --with you by her side. She doesn't have to miss any of it.
So sure, have a co-parenting schedule to adhere. But don't be her personal escort. Don't invite her to the parties and other family functions. She didn't want a future with you in it.......remember?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I was thinking a little about what happened with phunguy's experience. I started thinking about what I would do if my wife came down and wanted to do that with me. I would probably respond by telling her that as much as I would love doing that, I just can't as long as she is doing what she is doing on the phone with these other men. I guess my question is, what does that do to her insecurities right now. She has gone through alot of insecurity issues lately!! But I guess I have gone through some also since she has cut me off!!
Joe, at the risk of sounding harsh, I don't know that her insecurities should be your main concern at the moment. Besides, she is getting those ego shots from other men all the time.
It is very common for a WW to test the H through sex. She feels she is still in control when he caves to her sexually. I would not tell her the following;
Quote:
as much as I would love doing that, I just can't as long as she is doing what she is doing on the phone with these other men.
A few thoughts about this type of response, okay? First, from her VP, it sounds rather self-righteous & preachy. I mean, every word is truth, but that's how it will sound to her. Second, it will be seen as punitive. You aren't punishing her.....you are turning her down. You don't want left-over sex.
Hey, don't explain how much you would enjoy doing it. You only have to remember two little words. "No thanks!"
I promise you if you remove yourself by saying those two words......message received. You will not settle for sloppy left-overs. Then if she verbally attacks you, just turn away and leave her presence. In fact, do it when you first say, "no thanks".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
. Mostly, I think women have used their sexuality to control. It happens with the little housewife and goes all the way up to the White House. 