Thanks, Kramer. You sound like a good man. I bet her older kids really appreciate having you in their lives.
She may be gone until OM is ready for a newer/younger version. When she has nowhere to turn, she may call you, IDK. In many cases they have to hit rock bottom before they recover their senses.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi. I wasn't meaning to complicate the situation and I wasn't really denying what was going on. I just wanted to be sure I was handling it correctly. There are other feelings involved in this besides mine. If we did not have all these kids together, I would sit down and tell her to make your choice right now. Stop the job and work on our marriage or keep the job and pack up your things. And if things don't change sometime soon, it may come to that. First I am trying to separate myself from everything going on except the kids. And once my truck is fixed, it will be alot easier to GAL. Older daughter is coming to visit for a couple days. She is good at asking questions and also telling it like it is. Wife will make up some story about having her own room. It would be sad, but a huge dose of reality for daughter to over hear her work. She would say something for sure.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I've been failing horribly since bomb day one month ago. What are your suggestions when LBH is late to the party like me? Ease into the appropriate course of action, or go all in 100% the moment you read this great post?
Like I said on your thread, you can't do anything expecting some desired response from her. You have been looking for a magic bullet to shoot this down. Not going to happen that way, sorry.
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Ease into the appropriate course of action, or go all in 100% the moment you read this great post?
That is a good question. Personally, I feel too many men wait too long before they take appropriate action. They get so worn out mentally & emotionally that they can't cope, before finally letting her go. When they let go, she knows if it is real. Women just know. I have also seen those newcomer H's who are too quick, and did not take time to learn what they should be learning, and I recall one guy who took some bad advice (and I won't tell you what about or it will get this thread off topic) and anyway he jumped and and filed for a divorce before ever doing anythings else. Then he came back crying about what to do! Well, it is a lot harder after you've sc@wed up everything once already. See what I mean? He just picked up a tidbit of something he thought would shock her out of her EA, but he didn't think it through and just used it as a gimmic. People come on the board, go strictly against the advice.....then ask us what to do next. Think before you act.
Just as in setting boundaries, you need to understand what it means, what they are, how it works, and how to enforce it. Same thing applies with what I have said in this thread. You have to be prepared and READY to let her go. Otherwise, you are simply faking it, and she just might call your bluff.
I don't know if you are there yet, Bing. Have you finished reading the book? Considering your bust with the boundary setting, my advice is to keep studying and getting this information under your belt, first. It is too much to learn in just a very few days. However, you could be applying the "37 rules" right now.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Oh I understand about other's feelings that you must consider. This is nothing to take lightly. Neither is what she's doing should be taken lightly.
You first mentioned what if S19 overheard her. Now you are saying her older D is coming and if she suspects anything she will talk straight to your WW. I get the impression you are kind of hoping someone else does it, to take some of the weight off you.
If this was an affair like in most of these cases, I would probably not even mention this, but have you considered a family intervention (you and her grown kids) if your W continues with this sex phone and the online activity? There have been a couple of times where there was a situation where something of that nature was needed in other stitches. I certainly won't push it if you don't feel comfortable about it, just wanted to plant that thought in you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Great post. I'd appreciate any insight into what you think about my situation.
My WW mentioned that her new boss is interested in "dating" her today. I started with the friend card, but now I'm 2nd guessing myself a little. I want to get everything in motion asap.
Me: 45 W43 S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce) D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
I've basically spent the last month begging or testing out hollow tactics to "snap her out of it." In short I've dug myself into a deep hole.
Learn the lesson now - and do not forget - that being fake will get you nowhere you want to be. Not just in this situation, but in life.
A tremendously important part of this journey is the self-evaluative process you undertake - putting in the time and effort to figure out who the man you want to be is, keeping the good traits, getting rid of or changing the bad traits, and understanding that no one...NO ONE has the power to change that person you are becoming. No matter how someone else acts, no matter what someone else says, YOU are going to be the man you are intended to be.
So no easing. Evaluate the situation. Determine the plan. Execute the plan.
That is an informed and intelligent approach. And it does not rely on feelings, but on truths and actions. Your feelings will lie to you. They will try to get you to do things your head knows is better. Nevernevernever blindly follow your feelings.
Always be honorable. Always do the right thing. Become the man only a fool would leave. Be a leader. Be bold. Stand firm in your convictions.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Amazing post. I really wish I had this on D day. I hope people that are just discovering this site take your advice to heart.
DBing has really opened my eyes on what it takes to make a healthy marriage. It should required reading before a marriage license is issued. Unfortunately, I may have discovered it bit late.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
I guess I never thought about the intervention thing. That might be an idea also. I will keep that in my thoughts. I am going to give her another week and see how she does and than I believe we will be having another talk. She knows I am not screwing around anymore. I don't know what the fit was about last night, but today she has a different attitude. One of worry. I also know that she might be a tad nervous about older daughter here. D knows we are having problems. I have texted her in the past about a few things when she asked me. I guess wife claims to have texted her also. And wife asked her to take her to the doctor last time awhile ago when we had a fight about her job. So d texted me. I also did not act like everything was all well between me and wife while D is here. D asked why there is a bed in wife's office. I told her to ask her mother. I did not stay in the room to hear the lie. D can tell something is going on.
I don't know if I am hoping someone else hears her and confronts her to take the weight off as much as it might just WAKE HER ASS UP. Maybe seeing one of her own children hurt and sick from what she is doing would get her attention. She lies to them too!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
