I could be wrong, but common sense at least tells me that the more W comes out of her own little bubble and sees things like A pic on her FB page, his arm around her, helping her paint the interior of her store, the more the reality will settle-in that he's not all she fantasized him to be. It will probably have a lot to do with her own mentality: The more she detaches from him (which will happen in time, even without much effort on her part, as long as she steers clear from physical interaction), the less those things will bother her. It's exactly the same as we actually make the effort to do here when we "go dark" and begin to detach. Know what I mean?
I agree with this, eventually. ONCE a wayward spouse is over their OM/OW and fully out of the withdrawal stage (both "hard" and "soft" withdrawal). Because then, they have already fully or nearly-fully opened up to their betrayed spouse emotionally, and are fully "over" their OP, and able to see these "warts" you point out here, Train.
However, I don't think the fetching Mrs. Rzr is NEAR there yet, and I'd prefer to see full NC. In her current emotional state, I do see some risk that even negative encounters will count merely as encounters, and set her withdrawal "clock" back. It's not ideal, but it's good that she told Rzr the guy was coming to town, and good that she told him that she she encountered him today.
I knew full well that she would see him today, and yet she still felt the need to call me. I'm taking her willingness to keep me in the loop as a good thing. And yes, I think full NC has yet to be achieved. She's not there yet. And me demanding that she be there is obviously not going to fly. She did suffer a setback yesterday (even she calls it a setback), but those are to be expected.
I have thanked her before for being forthcoming with me, and I'll thank her again tonight. I'm not naïve enough to think that she's told me absolutely everything, but I do know and appreciate that her transparency with me has been exceptional for a WW.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
100% agree with you, Starsky. On everything. Having ANY contact right now is risky business and probably will force a setback in W and her progress even if only temporary. But YES. It's *great* she is being transparent.
Rzr, how often does W run into XOM in the course of business?
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Every couple of months. He typically comes in Monday night and leaves Thursday. She would typically see him at work for a few minutes in the morning before he left to go see his clients.
Last edited by Rzrback; 03/10/1506:21 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I hope that's the case. I would like to see all contact, even passive contact, stop entirely. My thought is that anything like that will keep emotions stirred up. Do I see signs that her feelings about OM aren't as intense? Yes. I just think that if she would make the break entirely that her feelings would dissipate that much more rapidly. She wants to detach from him and reconnect to me, but wants to do it "her way". Any suggestion I make that she take him off FB etc is interpreted as a demand, though even I don't see that as a nonnegotiable.
Save it for your next MC session and ask for assistance on how you two can navigate this together.
Hi Rzr, I read somewhere on this forum about three levels of problematic contact with OP
top level - active in EA/PA mid level - ongoing contact of any sort base level - continuing to 'follow' what OP is doing and think about them...
Sounds like your W is doing the third, and may need support to really put the OM behind her and fully focus on the M. When she's thinking about OM, that's not helping re-build the M. Could be part of the grieving process....I'm no expert on this though.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I hope that's the case. I would like to see all contact, even passive contact, stop entirely. My thought is that anything like that will keep emotions stirred up. Do I see signs that her feelings about OM aren't as intense? Yes. I just think that if she would make the break entirely that her feelings would dissipate that much more rapidly. She wants to detach from him and reconnect to me, but wants to do it "her way". Any suggestion I make that she take him off FB etc is interpreted as a demand, though even I don't see that as a nonnegotiable.
Save it for your next MC session and ask for assistance on how you two can navigate this together.
Funny you should mention that, Wonka. Guess what my MC homework is for next week?
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Hi Rzr, I read somewhere on this forum about three levels of problematic contact with OP
top level - active in EA/PA mid level - ongoing contact of any sort base level - continuing to 'follow' what OP is doing and think about them...
Sounds like your W is doing the third, and may need support to really put the OM behind her and fully focus on the M. When she's thinking about OM, that's not helping re-build the M. Could be part of the grieving process....I'm no expert on this though.
She's definitely on the 3rd level. Her rhetoric is that she gets depressed at the idea of cutting off her "friend", saying that's not how she treats "friends". This friend that she never actually speaks to but every couple of months. I'm sure this is the grieving process talking.
Any ideas on how I can provide support? I've suggested her removing him from her phone and Facebook and deleting any pics she has. I've framed it as advice to help her get over OM, not as a demand...but of course she views it as a demand. This is an area where I've had a terrible time. I can usually be calm and supportive when she's talking about our core issues, but when she starts talking about OM, it's hard to hide my anger.
Last edited by Rzrback; 03/10/1509:36 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
