Mozza (10) + Links to success stories

[Vanilla]

Wonka

I do hope you have time to post to us. Your posts are so valuable to me, (selfishly) and I would love you to drop by and let me know how things are. Always happy to listen to a grumble or two if needs be.

V

[Barry]

Hi Mozza,

I can relate to being allergic to WAW. If it's what you need to do to feel better though, I agree, don't be in contact. It helps me too. Just do what you have to, and no more than that for now. The mindset of having almost indifference in your contact with your WAW, particularly when your emotions say otherwise is a difficult one to put into practice but crucial.
I've told my WAW that I can't see her in person, all I see is her in a thousand family photos and memories of good times.
It's too painful now I know that a D is coming for sure.

You should speak to your doctor about meds as they've also helped me. Obviously, they only take the edge off, they're no magic pill but hey, anything that helps, helps...right. You need to shake that cold/flu off ASAP too!!

As far as being places and it's painful when you associate better times with them, wouldn't it be better to think of those times and use them to lift your spirits?

What I mean to say is those times were real moments in history, in all your lives. Just because of your sitch doesn't mean they were any less real or they're being erased in some way. I try to look at these things for what they are...fond memories of a good life. OK, things have changed - they'll change again too, that's what life's all about.

I know it's all very well being philosophical about things (you know all these things yourself already), it's actually doing it that's hard.

You hang in there Mozza, things will improve for you one day.

Barry

[Burger]

Look into the meds. There are lot of different ones out, you can find one that will work for you.

With me I know they have saved my life. When this all started I was so down I was very close to ending it all, but a friend got me to make a phone call. Since then my meds have been adjusted and while I still get down, I don’t go that far down any more. There are things that have happened since that would have taken me back to where I was at the beginning if this. But I believe the medication helped level off the drop.

[Mach1]

Mozza, I'm not on the boards enough anymore to stay with one poster for long. And I would say the same for a lot of the "vets" out there.

Just believe though, that you all, the ones posting here, are becoming those vets that you covet to post to you. You guys are the ones in the trenches, and doing the hard work.

Part of this journey, also, is regaining that trust that has been ripped from us. Trusting that we are doing the correct things, either for a relationship, or our children, most importantly...

For ourselves, and trusting IN ourselves, that we are not the evil person that we have been accused of.

YOU all are becoming those vets, and know your situation better than anyone here. You have been journaling, and monitoring your progress.

Is what you are doing, working ??

Typically, if you can step back, and let any situation "rest" for the 48 hour rule, the picture becomes amazingly clearer..

Trust that for yourself

You are doing well Mozza...

[Calibri]

Mozza-

I would encourage you to look into meds. I was very resistant to going on meds until I noticed three months post BD that I spent half of a saturday literally, looking at a wall, wondering what the hell had happened to my life.

I called the doc and luckily we found the right combo the first go. I will say the first week getting on them was extremely rough - so please make sure you have a support system to help you that first week and you keep in close communication with your doctor.

Good luck to you!

[Barry]

I agree with Calibri regarding the first week or so, I felt even worse for about 10 days, with alsorts of dark thoughts running through my mind.
It passes though and will help. It just takes a while to work.

[Mozza]

Mach1 | Thanks for stopping by. You're asking if what I'm doing is working. If it's a question about me, I'd say more or less. I need to step up the GAL and, by extension, the PMA. I'm also happy with the work I'm doing with IC and some books. If you're asking about the M, then I just don't know. I cut almost all communication with WAW. Last opportunity she got, she told me she's doing much better than in early February, thanks to taking up sports. So is she facing the consequences of her choice? Is she disillusioned by real life? I don't know. I try to trust the process and be patient.

___________________

PMA Report | I'm doing much better. I'm almost over the flu, I had a good night sleep and the kids have arrived Friday night. I got some information about meds and it would be a long process, much longer than in the US. Also, I wonder if the side effects are worth it. Knowing me, I will now procrastinate until the next crisis.

GAL Report | We had a quiet Saturday at home, for lack of plans, and spent most of Saturday skating and eating with good friends. Tonight, I hosted a friend who's soon moving to to my city, on my street. Promising. Overall, I'm happy with the week-end.

Detachment Report | I'm doing better than last week. In fact, the thought that's on my mind is that I shouldn't want her back. She is a serial cheater with unrealistic expectations of love who seeks external validation to be happy. It's unlikely that my changes, which are necessary, will be sufficient to keep her in the long run. The problem is with her. This being said, I'm in love with her and I'm quite certain I would fall for her charms should she ask for R. Also, there are the kids whom I would really love to see full time. And then five years later, I'll be back here, crying my heart out...

[Karma12]

Sounds like you are in a better place Mozza. All you can do is keep moving forward one baby step at a time. Life has a way of moving forward whether we
Want it to or not. Believe that there could be something wonderful awaiting you in your future.

[Mach1]

Mach1 | Thanks for stopping by. You're asking if what I'm doing is working. If it's a question about me, I'd say more or less. I need to step up the GAL and, by extension, the PMA. I'm also happy with the work I'm doing with IC and some books. If you're asking about the M, then I just don't know. I cut almost all communication with WAW. Last opportunity she got, she told me she's doing much better than in early February, thanks to taking up sports. So is she facing the consequences of her choice? Is she disillusioned by real life? I don't know. I try to trust the process and be patient.

I'm not asking for anything specific actually. Maybe just a generalization, an all encompassing question about life. If that makes sense.

However...

You seem to be answering "yes" to the most important aspect, and that is about you, and yourself.

Detachment Report | I'm doing better than last week. In fact, the thought that's on my mind is that I shouldn't want her back. She is a serial cheater with unrealistic expectations of love who seeks external validation to be happy.

Shouldn't want her back ?

Because of ??

As long as you "think" in terms of judging her, you probably don't have to worry about her being back.

The journey that you are on, makes who she is, and what she is, irrelevant for now.

And it really isn't up to you to label her, judge her, or convict her of anything.

Stay true to yourself....it pays greater dividends in the end...

It's unlikely that my changes, which are necessary, will be sufficient to keep her in the long run. The problem is with her. This being said, I'm in love with her and I'm quite certain I would fall for her charms should she ask for R. Also, there are the kids whom I would really love to see full time. And then five years later, I'll be back here, crying my heart out...

Your changes shouldn't be, just to "keep" her. Changes are about the things that you don't like about yourself. For you, by you, and about you.

And by making those changes...IF that attracts her back, then that is a side benefit in making them.

If she chooses to never be attracted to you again ??

Then you still hold the advantage by making those changes.

[Train]

Hey, Mozza!

I'm going to springboard a little off of what Mach1 wrote up there by also tying it into this, which you posted on sandi's new thread:

So, is she a WW who lost her morals or is she a serial cheater? Is it possible that those were two exceptions? If she's a serial cheater in your opinion, should I just cut my losses and hope that she'll never come back?

If you've read through my threads, you know that my H has cheated twice, too. Once in 2005 and again in 2014. I noticed you said in sandi's thread that you forgave your W's first infidelity on the spot. That's what I did, too. Coincidence? Probably not.

I am still struggling with my H's second A. We've been piecing our M back together for almost a year now. And it's very hard work. Sometimes I want to give up. I am burdened by the SAME questions you are asking: Is this a character flaw? Or is this his selfish, hurtful response to an unhappy M environment? (You can see me ask those very questions in some of my very first posts here after BD2 last year, and I've continued to ask them through the piecing phase.)

In my H's case, I don't think he's a "serial cheater," per se, although by *definition* he is. I do think he, by "nurture," is a selfish person. To the contrary, I tend to be more selfLESS, sometimes to a fault. I will neglect myself to "do" for others. I have struggled very hard with it. I've turned to my own unhealthy behaviors/vices to cope with the stress of carrying that load, those burdens. And that just leads to FURTHER issues. And THAT is where I realized I needed to work on ME.

Let me see if I can bring all that home a little (you know I ramble):

As sandi said in her response to you over on her thread, no one can know right now which one your W is. I can tell you that my H and I did our M no favors when he came back after A1 and I forgave him on the spot. We didn't identify or fix what was broken in the first place. Seems only natural NOW that we'd be dealing with the same problem again. That's why I'm probably in a minority here in thinking that a second A - for those of us who didn't fix an issue after the first one - is forgivable. *But only if the person who cheated is willing to join the LBS in acknowledging the problems in the M and then navigating the very hard road of piecing.*

I am still saddled with the big question of whether H will cheat again. I'm sure that'll linger in my mind forever. BUT, I'm not going to allow our M to slide back into old habits and patterns. (We weren't sleeping in the same bed for about a year before BD2 - I mean, helllooo? Did it not occur to me that I was helping create an environment for an already-established cheater to cheat again?? That hindsight. Sheesh.) But if I am meeting my H's needs and he cheats again, I will know it isn't because I had become a crappy W like I did the last time. If he cheats again even though I have changed MYSELF as a person and a W, then I will know it's HIM - and not our M - with the true problem. He also knows my boundary now. One more A, and there won't even be a conversation about it. I'll take myself to a L and file. Plain and simple.

And THAT is where our own self-improvement comes in, which Mach1 wrote about up there. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter which one your W is because you don't know and you may NEVER know. What matters is figuring out who YOU are and what you're willing to tolerate in your life and in a M. You turn yourself into the best man you can be.

If your W wants to return to your M, you can also make sure you are the best H you can be. You can wake up every day, deliberately choosing to meet your W's needs. If she cheats again? You will have your answer. If she doesn't cheat again? You will have your answer.

But once you find yourself, you won't be saddled - or at least feel burdened - with the same questions you have right now. Because you KNOW you'll be okay, no matter who (or where) your W ends up being. That's why this journey is actually more about saving yourself than your M. Saving your M, if it ends up being worth saving, is just the coveted "icing" - an oft "natural consequence," if you will, of you loving ... truly LOVING ... who you see looking back at you when you look in a mirror. Because that kind of self-love and self-awareness and self-confidence is powerful. And it will make you irresistible to *anyone* worth her salt.