I too am hugely upset at my situation. Everyone keeps telling me to let go of the anger, but I am just not there. I don't know if I will ever be there. Will this make me a bitter old lady? Perhaps, but until I can move past it on my own, it is just there.
Yes, I have a IC and we talk about this all the time. I don't know if it helps of not. All I know is that I seem to be stuck in this place and I am so very tired of feeling this way. It is exhausting right?
And again, be a bit kinder and gentler with yourself. Perfection is an unattainable goal. There a few single decisions that will actually ruin your life, so relax a bit if you can. Do you see how things seems to be working our for you as time goes along? Maybe renting a house is a good thing, no maintenance headaches. Things with D11 seem to be progressing. MB is finding herself.
Why not let H have the responsibility for selling the house?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I think the disgust you feel is resentment. Resentment is pent up anger. I agree with others. It is healthy to express your anger. I expressed mine privately for a long time. Once I had a better handle on it I expressed it to my WW. In my sitch I saw her about 4 times a week at basketball games. Until I started leting go of that anger/resentment it was extremely difficult to be in the same room with her.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
Well, two weeks ago I told him I hated him and that I hated what he had done to our family, and also that I was disappointed and disgusted that this is the person he chooses to be. Also that I was horrified at having to coparent through D11's really difficult behavior with someone I couldn't trust. So I'm pretty sure he knows I'm angry and also exactly why. (BTW, about the trust he said "You can trust me on this," but I'd had to wait almost an hour for him to show up because he was at a dinner.)
It's official I'm going to have to rent for a year or maybe two, so I'm spreading the word as loud as I can about renting in the hopes that an unlisted option surfaces. D11 is starting to demonstrate some anxiety about the quality of our current options so it would be good if something turns up soon. I'll also be reading up on helping her cope with her anxiety.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I hope you didn't read that as snark. It wasn't intended to be. I honestly do think I need to start working on letting go more and releasing what was into the ether.
I was thinking back earlier today and another memory popped into my mind. He'd decided he wanted to do a year abroad in Australia but I was still in grad school with another year of classes to go. I asked him to wait the year till I finished the class work and he got very agitated. I suggested we go snuggle together to talk it through and he went, reluctantly, but when I tried gently to make my case for the extra year he got really angry and stood up and walked out, saying "Now I feel REALLY trapped." Of course I was really hurt (because at was such a serious thing to say) but when I tried to get him to explain himself he just shut down.
Looking back, it seems clear I should never have trusted my life to him. I think maybe he was pretty plain that although he said he loved me first, although he surprised me with the engagement ring, although it seemed like it was mutual agreement all along... Maybe it really wasn't. Like, maybe he wanted people to think of him as a grown up guy with a wife and everything, but really he never wanted anything more but for his glory days to stretch in forever.
I need to stop looking back. I never knew what I really wanted till now. Now I can see what I want very clearly, and it is within reach if I work at it. Marriage to STBX was apparently the proving ground for me to see myself a little more clearly.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Good for you, Maybell. Being able to see yourself clearly is just one of the positive outcomes that can come from an otherwise $hitty situation. I too was married to a hologram who liked the "credibility" of the marriage and family life, without putting any work into it. I can see that clearly now. Why didn't I ever see it before?
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Hey Maybell - When you say you are going to need to rent for a year, is that because you need to be able to have child support in place for a year in order to be able to qualify for a mortgage?
If that's the case - I will just throw it out there that I think it would be totally reasonable for you to ask your STBX to co sign on a mortgage now to help you qualify. Then you can assume the mortgage on your own in about a year (there's a fee - and you have to make sure the mortgage you get is assumable). That's more or less what I did - I refinanced the house shortly after BD to get expenses down and will assume it alone once the year is up and I can count my child support as income.
If your STBX is sincere about wanting to help out and be reasonable - this would be a way he could help his children avoid multiple moves in the next few years. If he worries about being "stuck" on the mortgage -I'm sure the lawyers can come up with some legalese.
Sorry if this isn't the case - just wanted to throw it out there as an option.
Well, he just sent me a LONG email asking me to leave the lawyers out of it so all things considered I'd rather just be utterly divorced from him. He has demonstrated a willingness to lie casually when it suits him and also that he doesn't have my best interests at heart (or at arms length either) so I'd rather rely on him as little as possible.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Commiserating, Maybell. They are just so limited. I'm starting to think that, as difficult and painful as this is, the universe is telling me that this is what is best for me. If our WAH are this way, now, and after our best DB efforts, what long term future would the marriage really have.
They are who they are. Becoming a parent and spouse forces you to grow up and put someone else first. It is not easy, and not for all.
