Maybe we need to S for a while. Maybe we need life apart for a while to truly get clarity, for both of us.
She called me from work this morning, full of panic and spew. I did my best to keep things calm, but I never do as well as I intend to. I had to cut off the conversation a couple of times because it was spiraling. She's right back to anger. She's angry at me because I'm not willing to listen to her talk about OM or her worries about dating. It means I'm not there for her, and I'm not taking responsibility for my role in the breakdown of our M. It's why she can't trust me. She isn't willing to be there for me emotionally but thinks I need to drop everything to be there for her anytime she wants.
She talks about being only about herself right now, because she has to be. (Like that's different from any other time). I'm actually OK with that. I'm on fire to improve myself, because it's the key to having a good life and a good relationship, whether it's with her or not. I think she should be that way too.
Here's the latest text exchange. I was encouraging her to get with an IC because it was something she could do to help her feel better. Her reply? "I did do something to make me feel better", meaning get with OM. I hung up at that point. Text conversation follows:
W: No wonder I don't trust you
R: I'm sorry for hanging up on you. We need a time out. The discussion was spiraling out of control and I don't want to do that again.
W: All I know is I am ALONE and have NO ONE!
R: That's why I think you finding an IC is a fantastic idea. Someone who is objective. I love you and want to help you any way I can but I'm pretty limited in what I can do or say.
No reply from W.
The good news is that she's wanting to talk to an IC. I'm behind that 100%.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Maybe we need to S for a while. Maybe we need life apart for a while to truly get clarity, for both of us.
She called me from work this morning, full of panic and spew. I did my best to keep things calm, but I never do as well as I intend to. I had to cut off the conversation a couple of times because it was spiraling. She's right back to anger. She's angry at me because I'm not willing to listen to her talk about OM or her worries about dating. It means I'm not there for her, and I'm not taking responsibility for my role in the breakdown of our M. It's why she can't trust me. She isn't willing to be there for me emotionally but thinks I need to drop everything to be there for her anytime she wants.
She talks about being only about herself right now, because she has to be. (Like that's different from any other time). I'm actually OK with that. I'm on fire to improve myself, because it's the key to having a good life and a good relationship, whether it's with her or not. I think she should be that way too.
Here's the latest text exchange. I was encouraging her to get with an IC because it was something she could do to help her feel better. Her reply? "I did do something to make me feel better", meaning get with OM. I hung up at that point. Text conversation follows:
W: No wonder I don't trust you
R: I'm sorry for hanging up on you. We need a time out. The discussion was spiraling out of control and I don't want to do that again.
W: All I know is I am ALONE and have NO ONE!
R: That's why I think you finding an IC is a fantastic idea. Someone who is objective. I love you and want to help you any way I can but I'm pretty limited in what I can do or say.
No reply from W.
The good news is that she's wanting to talk to an IC. I'm behind that 100%.
"(Wife), you are saying that if I'm willing to talk to you about ANYTHING in the world, but not your feelings for another man or about dating other men if our marriage shouldn't work out . . . that I'm not 'being there' for you?"
Exhausting is not a strong enough word. If I'm too calm or not willing to discuss certain things, then I don't care. If I'm too animated, then I'm bullying.
I'm sick of her treating me like her gay BF. I told her point blank (again) this morning that I was not going to be treated that way and that I wasn't interested in being her platonic friend.
Then I don't care and I'm not there for her. It's my fault she's screwed up. Apparently not being willing to bend over and take whatever she throws at me is "shutting her down". Geeez.
Last edited by Rzrback; 03/19/1503:17 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
She has to actually make some effort, herself, in this MR. It's as if she is just there pondering over the same old issues and looking at you to "prove" to her this can work. You must feel like a defense attorney at trial.
Sandi, you nailed it again. From our R talk this morning (I shut it down eventually)
W: "How am I ever going to trust you again?" (In referring to my mishandling of my parents).
All she cares about is what I'm doing to make her feel better and she's angry because nothing I do or say works. I'm exhausted.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
She has to actually make some effort, herself, in this MR. It's as if she is just there pondering over the same old issues and looking at you to "prove" to her this can work. You must feel like a defense attorney at trial.
Sandi, you nailed it again. From our R talk this morning (I shut it down eventually)
W: "How am I ever going to trust you again?" (In referring to my mishandling of my parents).
All she cares about is what I'm doing to make her feel better and she's angry because nothing I do or say works. I'm exhausted.
Rzr, not trying to further kick you when you're down, but I don't think I've EVER seen a successful reconciliation after an affair where the formerly cheating spouse didn't do the overwhelming majority of the "work," at least in the initial few months. While the WORDS "I'm sorry" don't always come forth, the EFFORT and ATTITUDE has to be one of contrition and of "doing whatever it takes" to try and reconcile the marriage, even if the feelings aren't quite there yet (and they won't be, as you know by now).
I honestly don't see that from your wife, and I haven't -- at any stage of this.
Rzr, not trying to further kick you when you're down, but I don't think I've EVER seen a successful reconciliation after an affair where the formerly cheating spouse didn't do the overwhelming majority of the "work," at least in the initial few months. While the WORDS "I'm sorry" don't always come forth, the EFFORT and ATTITUDE has to be one of contrition and of "doing whatever it takes" to try and reconcile the marriage, even if the feelings aren't quite there yet (and they won't be, as you know by now).
I honestly don't see that from your wife, and I haven't -- at any stage of this.
Starsky
Unfortunately I don't see it right now either. I thought I saw it in bits and pieces; the last couple of weeks I finally started feeling like she was present. This morning proved me wrong.
Her words this morning: "I don't feel guilty because I know what you did to me". In other words, what I did was OK because you screwed me up, Rzr.
I don't expect contrition per se, she doesn't need to beg my forgiveness; I've mostly forgiven her for the A itself. I take a lot of responsibility for the mistakes I made in our M but blaming me for her current emotional state seems to be all she cares about. I don't know what to do anymore.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I don't expect contrition per se, she doesn't need to beg my forgiveness; I've mostly forgiven her for the A itself. I take a lot of responsibility for the mistakes I made in our M but blaming me for her current emotional state seems to be all she cares about.
There is a distinction between "begging your forgiveness," and an overall attitude and level of effort that exudes remorse and contrition. And I'm talking about FINAL stage of remorse kind of remorse (from my personal archives):
I do think your wife is in one of the early stages of remorse, but there are several stages. They'll go from "I'm sorry I got caught," to "I'm sorry for ME that I've messed myself up so much," to "I'm sorry for YOU that I hurt you (but I still don't see anything wrong with what I did)," to finally a more self-aware "I'm sorry for what I did because IT WAS THE WRONG THING TO DO, on so many levels. For me, for the pain I caused my husband, for the breaking of my vows, etc."
Again, being painfully honest here, I don't your wife has ever moved past even Stage Two of that.
I don't think she's even gotten to stage 2. She's angry at me for screwing her up and making her do what she did. Her words. This sitch went from tolerable to bad literally overnight
It's like she's trying to get me to lose my s***
Last edited by Rzrback; 03/19/1504:53 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
