Perfect-O Starsky....I was just about to post the very exact section from Sandi's thread for LBHs.
Rzr, read that post and especially absorb this part:
Originally Posted By: sandi2
There are some things that time eventually heals, but I personally do not believe time, alone, can heal matters of this nature. Time, coupled with good counseling can help with a big part. However, before a woman can begin to resolve these problems, she has to be willing to work at leaning how to let go of the past and stop blaming her H for everything. in her frame of mind, I believe she has to have some type of guidance from an unbiased source........and preferably, professional. I don't mean attending MC with her H, either. She first needs help just for herself. If she has a spiritual leader, I would recommend spiritual counseling, b/c these are matters of the heart. Once she begins to deal honestly with her feelings......and is seeking to learn new skills, the couple stands such a better chance at reconciling. And then the couple should attend a good MC or a highly recommended M program, support groups or something that will help guide them through Piecing. Just leaving a couple to figure it out on their own is not the healthiest of choices. The main ingredient there is willingness from both sides.
I need a plan for how I'm going to talk to her tonight. My thoughts:
I take responsibility for my mistakes in the marriage. There are plenty of times I let her down, and I want to do everything I can to make sure I don't make the same mistakes going forward.
Encourage her to find an IC. She needs solid, objective, professional help to sort everything out. This isn't for me, but for her.
She needs to make a decision to commit to working on the marriage with me. If she does that, I will be in it with her, 100% If she does not want to commit, then we have some hard decisions to make.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
However, before a woman can begin to resolve these problems, she has to be willing to work at leaning how to let go of the past and stop blaming her H for everything. in her frame of mind, I believe she has to have some type of guidance from an unbiased source........and preferably, professional.
Basically, tell her that she cannot continue to pin the blame and her unhappiness on you. Encourage to seek unbiased professional help to sort her emotions.
Don't tell her that you want to do "everything I can to make sure I don't make the same mistakes going forward." Instead say that you would do things differently and have taken proactive steps to address some of the concerns--i.e. your parents.
Bottom line is that you MUST stand firm on not taking the blame for every problem under the Sun.
I need a plan for how I'm going to talk to her tonight. My thoughts:
I take responsibility for my mistakes in the marriage. There are plenty of times I let her down, and I want to do everything I can to make sure I don't make the same mistakes going forward.
Encourage her to find an IC. She needs solid, objective, professional help to sort everything out. This isn't for me, but for her.
She needs to make a decision to commit to working on the marriage with me. If she does that, I will be in it with her, 100% If she does not want to commit, then we have some hard decisions to make.
I don't have any particular problem with any of them, but I think more important than the words of the script itself is that she somehow feel a very different ATTITUDE from you tonite. That "Hey, love ya babe, and it'd be really cool if you wanted to work on all this with me, but if you think it's too much work or probably won't work out in the end, that's cool too babe, no harm/no foul and I'm beginning to think you're probably right, and this isn't working for me, either. Just let me know so we can both get on with our life, okay?"
THAT sort of a thing.
In order for this to work, I think she has to have a credible fear of losing you, that she went TOO far. I don't think she's ever felt that vibe from you.
It's time for her to pursue YOU, Rzr. I hope you will come to realize that you're worth that, and that life is too short.
Damn...this day just went to s*** More spew, now she's demanding alimony because I screwed her over. WTF? Three days ago we were laughing and joking, things weren't OK but we were trying. Now I screwed her over, I took her love and threw it away, etc etc etc. I screwed her up for life.
She's acting like I did when I would get too angry with her, except I'm staying calm. I DONT GET IT!!!!
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
