where do I start. There's no hope for my M, which some days I'm OK with and others not. I'm really just looking for support to keep up my strength as the legal process gets underway.
We got married WAY too fast. He proposed in 5 months, and we were married 10 months later. We're both currently in our late 20s and have been M for 2.5 years, together for about 3.5 years total.
He moved out 6 weeks ago, saying he wanted to separate while we went through counseling to "see IF this can work." But 2 weeks in, he wanted to be on the divorce track instead.
After we separated, my IC suggested.... and it literally is the story of my life (and his). It FINALLY gave me insight into what went wrong: I'm a Love Addict/codependent and he's a Love Avoidant but also very Passive Aggressive with narcissistic tendencies. I know what I did wrong from the get-go, and I really do take responsibility for my actions. However, I spent the entire 3.5 yr relationship accepting ALL the blame -- literally ALL of it, and I'm extremely sick and tired of it.
He convinced me I had an "anger problem" and a few months ago urged me to go to IC to get help (which I did). He made me out to me a monster, unbearable to live with, needy and "crazy" -- and he was the constant "victim." After all, how could anyone lash out at the calm, steady, low-key "Mr Perfect" who never expresses anger and is always so logical and responsible about everything???
He never ever forgave me for ANYTHING and kept a running list of every f*ing thing I did, which he used as a weapon in future fights and during counseling. I'm amazed at the things he remembered and the "spin" he put on past events to uphold his position as the "victim" and me as the "crazy" one with the "anger problem".
He NEVER apologized for ANYTHING, ALWAYS blamed me for all our issues, and REFUSED to listen/accept/understand/have compassion/sympathy/etc for my feelings or take responsibility for anything. He stonewalled -- can't even count the times he folded his arms, yawned, closed his eyes OR refused to stop watching TV, get off his phone/laptop when I tried calmly sharing how he hurt me -- dismissed how I felt and never validated me.
The dismissing happened even with reasonable requests. For example, he never EVER gave me compliments, NEVER told me I was beautiful or pretty (and I am!). Countless times I asked: "I really need to hear you think I'm beautiful, will you please say it?" His response: "I don't like saying stuff like that. It's not me." OR "OK fine" just to get me to shut up, but then NEVER EVER do it. I eventually just gave up.
He was very controlling. I felt like I was living in a dictatorship, not an equal partnership. Literally looked through my phone SEVERAL times a week. Controlled all the finances. ALL of our mutual friends were HIS friends before we met, but he HATED my closest girlfriends, criticized them constantly and repeatedly asked why I was friends with them (like it was a reflection on me that I associated with them). We had sex everyday (yes, everyday), but on HIS terms--it "turned him off" when I "came on too strong or aggressive." I literally felt like he married me, not for a relationship, but to "own" me like an object. Like having a W was on his check-list of life accomplishments as a man.
He was also very critical of me, even when it didn't involve him directly or my "anger problem." I'm an outspoken and opinionated person who's not afraid to stand up for myself (which I've taken too far many times, and I feel terrible about that and have been trying to change). He criticized me for the way I interacted with other people, when I gossiped with friends about something he didn't think was appropriate, for being "too opinionated about everything" and even for getting "too excited" when watching football games (because I "hadn't been a fan of that team for very long")!!!
Don't get me wrong-we had many, many good times together and really did love each other (whatever "love" means). And everything I mentioned above only got worse as time went on, as his "record of my wrongdoings" grew, unforgiveness continued, and anger and resentment toward me deepened. But...I clung onto the good times and feelings of "love" to fuel the denial I was living in, even weeks after he left.
During the 1st 1.5 years of our relationship, his stonewalling/dismissiveness/blaming/never taking responsibility and utter emotional unavailability ENRAGED me. I tried many, many different ways/approaches to stand up for myself and be heard, but his response was ALWAYS "don't put the blame on me! YOU'RE the one with the problem" or "that's not how I meant it, so your feelings are wrong" or "stop trying to control me."
But things changed for me when we went to MC two years ago. He did the usual "she's got a problem," and when it was my turn, I took responsibility for my actions and the voiced my feelings of being unheard, dismissed. When we got home, I was reprimanded for "dominating the counseling session" and he said he wouldn't tolerate my attempts to "distract from the REAL issue: me and my anger." After 6 sessions, we stopped going because he felt the C was ineffective (she was kind of a dud, really) and a "man hater."
From that point on, I changed. I felt the only way to keep the peace and my M was to work on my "anger problem", and then once I got it resolved, I could come back later and address how he makes me feel. After all, if I stopped getting angry -- his No. 1 complaint -- then he'd eventually be open to hearing my side and all would be dandy, right?
WRONG!
I really wanted to stop getting angry, and while I definitely could've done more, I truly did the best I knew how at the time. And I frankly WAS changing, and did have successful moments when I resisted my angry urge. Looking back, I am definitely NOT the same person I was when we first married. And I'm proud of myself for that.
But...he NEVER recognized that. He expected an overnight fix. He literally said "If you love me, you'd just stop and never do it again." But I'm an f*ing human being, and I can't change overnight. And I didn't. I paid greatly for it.
During the final 2 years of our relationship, I tried so, so, so hard to be a good wife and "earn back his love." Looking back, that only made it worse. He distanced more and more, his passive-aggressive behaviors became more frequent, and his intolerance for conflict grew.
My self-esteem (which has never been great) completely dropped. I felt unworthy of his love, worthless as a human being, undeserving of intimacy with him. I lived in fear of what he'd do if I got angry again. I was always racking my brain trying to figure out what was wrong with me.
I learned to stuff my feelings. I eventually got to a point where I never ever shared my feelings out of fear, and instead took ALL the blame and ALWAYS apologized. And I frankly convinced myself that was the right thing to do. After all, I'm a monster, right?
I felt totally alone in the M. Like he was just "there" and it was MY job to fix our marital problems. I realize now that the reason I wanted sex so much was because it was literally the ONLY intimacy I could get from him.
I completely lost my identity. I believed his opinions of me were right, and I was wrong. I stopped standing up for myself completely and all my energy went into trying to please him, which was never appreciated or reciprocated.
Sad thing is, I was in complete denial this was going on. Never once stopped to think that the panic attacks I started having at work a few months ago, increased alcohol intake at home, or CONSTANT state of stress and anxiety were maybe tied to my M. I thought I was happy, I thought we had a good M and I was trying to change. So when he left, I was inconsolable. Devastated. Blindsided. My worst nightmare and fear coming true: he abandoned me.
I only began to realize all of this a few weeks ago. I can't believe I let myself be treated like that, which is the direct result of not loving and respecting myself enough. That's MY fault.
Still, I find myself slipping back into that old mindset of thinking I'm entirely to blame for ruining a picture-perfect M. I'm getting better about pulling myself back to reality, but it's hard.
So I guess I'm here for encouragement and to see if there's anyone else who's gone through the same thing.
For those who actually read through this entire novel, THANK YOU!!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
My H moved out 6 weeks ago, initially saying he wanted a separation while we went through counseling to "see IF this can work." But HE wanted to talk every day, see me 3-4 times a week ON TOP of coming over on the weekends to do yard work (our yard is a lot of work). During the first week, he took me out for Valentine's Day and gave me a $100 gift card to a spa. Then, 2 days later in MC, he said he couldn't forgive me, didn't want to try, and "thought he was done." BUT....over the next week, he took me out to dinner on a weeknight and talked about our relationship. Then over the weekend a few days later, we went to dinner again and bowling. Didn't talk about our relationship, but genuinely had a good time. He said "I love you" many times, and held my hand and kissed me many times as well. But once again, 2 days later in MC, he said he wanted space and wanted to "work toward divorce." He said it wasn't that he didn't think we couldn't enjoy each other's company, but couldn't do well in conflict and felt we were just incompatible. He said he had been communicating with me and taking me out because he wanted to make sure I was OK and felt guilty. During that MC session, I was emotionless and accepted reality, which I could tell really surprised him. I said I wanted to stop attending MC (he, on the other hand, wanted to still go to help us through this "process", for whatever reason), and we agreed that he would only contact me about "logistics," like bills and stuff. Our MC suggested waiting 1 month before making any decisions, and my stbxH said (as he has all along) that he "wasn't in any rush to make a big decision." We didn't communicate at all for 4 days after that. But then, on the weekend, he calls. I ignored the call, and he immediately sends a text asking to talk real quick. After a little more back and forth, him calling again, me ignoring again, we get on the phone and he wants to come over and do yardwork. HUH?! I said no, but he resisted, saying "it's my house too!" so I gave in to avoid a fight. I made sure I was calm and pleasant though. Throughout the following week, he was texting me almost everyday about stuff that frankly was not the "logistics" we had agreed to. It kinda was in a way, but definitely not a necessity to discuss. The night before my birthday (5 days after he came over to do yard work), he SHOWS UP at the house a little after 9 pm!!! He said he tried calling and texting me for the past hour (my phone was in my purse on silent), needed to grab some more of his things/clothes, and to also give me my birthday card. He immediately started getting all domestic..."where's that screwdriver? X needs to be fixed" and took out the trash and recycle to the curb, etc. He gave me a big hug, grabbed his stuff, and left. I open his card, and inside was another $100 gift card to my favorite store. More mixed signals!!! Once again, over the weekend 2 days later, he just SHOWS UP (because I once again wasn't answering my phone for the past hour)!!! For what? Yardwork, of course! At this point, we were halfway through our "one month before making any big decisions." And I frankly was becoming a nervous wreck whenever he contacted me in any way, shape or form. He literally unraveled any progress or strength I had rebuilt with one text, and you can imagine how I felt when he just showed up unannounced. WTH is up with all these mixed signals?!?! WHY is he acting so weird and WHY can't he just leave me alone!? That's what he said he wanted, right?! So, I decided I wanted to "go dark" for the next 2 weeks. I really needed my strength back and prepare for the Big D. I texted him in the morning asking to talk briefly later that night and we set up a time. But he couldn't stand waiting, so he calls me 3 hours early. I ignored the call, he texts asking to talk now. I stalled as much as I could, but eventually gave in. When I said I wanted complete space for the next 2 weeks to take care of myself, he didn't even acknowledge what I said. Instead, he asks "so are you ready to make that appointment with the mediator?" because ALL OF A SUDDEN, he's ready for that step. I said I'd think about it, but I knew what I needed, so I texted him the next day saying I really did need the 2 weeks, and he said OK. Did he respect that? NOPE. Halfway through the 2 weeks (a few days ago), he emails me, saying he took the day off from work and dropped by the house to fix something. He launches into this thing about being respectful and fair about not boxing up his personal items and decorations in preparation of selling the house. I emailed him back, saying I had every intention of being respectful and fair, and the changes I made to the house were merely just to get it staged in preparation for selling (which was 100% true). He responds, apologizing for misinterpreting my intentions, and then launches into what basically boiled down to him clearly thinking I'm incapable of making good decisions and giving me detailed instructions on how to paint the walls and stuff.
Anyway, the 2 weeks of going dark is up in a few days, and while hearing from him in the middle of that period rattled me, getting space from him overall has been exactly what I needed. I'm FREAKED OUT to start communicating with him again. He's acting so weird and businesslike, but he'll throw in his favorite line every now and then: "I know this is really hard for us." WHAT exactly is hard for YOU? I feel like it's a line is IC told him to say to me because I'm oh-so fragile or whatever. I'm NOT a fragile little flower. I can handle ANYTHING, I'm very strong. But communicating with him in any way at this point is very, very, very painful because he's just not acting remotely like the person I was married to. I just don't know how I'm going to handle communicating again next week. I'm ******DREADING****** it, dreading what he'll be like in mediation and selling the house. What should I do!?!?!
Lizzy, I would bet money that he's having an affair. All those gifts and acts of service? He is doing that because he feels guilty. I've experienced what you are experiencing right now. Going no contact is the only way to sanity. Limit your communication to only the necessary logistics and tell him that you need space. Hold on to this attitude: "I'm NOT a fragile little flower. I can handle ANYTHING, I'm very strong."
You are going to need that moving forward.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Throughout our marriage, even right up to the end, we were always together. There were no changes in his usual pattern, and I never found anything suspicious when I looked through his phone. We had sex everyday (yes, everyday), even right up to the end.
I'll spare you all the details, but things really changed in August after our last HUGE blow up when I essentially dared him to divorce me during our rage. He literally was on his way out the door for real, but I convinced him to stay. We had been fighting a lot for a few weeks leading up to that event, so we were both at our wits end. I was having a medical issue that required me to be on a LOT of hormones and I was literally a crazy person at the time. I know I wouldn't have said or done the things I did if it weren't for the hormones.
But he's very dismissive of me and my feelings, always has been, said "hormones don't have that much of an impact," which of course only added to my anger.
He's also a very cold, stoic, emotionally-void human being. Always has been. And I'm literally the opposite. He never understood me, and was instead very critical of me because of it.
Anyway, after he moved out, I've asked him twice if there's someone else, and he denied it. And the way he denied it wasn't indicative of someone who's lying.
I've also spoken to mutual friends, people he's close to, and he's denied there being someone else too, and they said he didn't give off any vibes or indication otherwise.
I know it's still a possibility, though. One can never really know. It just isn't like him, so it's really really hard to come to terms with that....
The pain is so awful. OMG. One day I'm OK, realize how unhappy I was too, but then the next, I'm slipping back into deep depression and pain that, even when I'm not consciously thinking about it, doesn't go away all day and I cry and cry and cry. The pain literally takes over my entire body. Feels like my soul is being ripped physically out of me and torn into a million pieces.
I know I need to let him go. He would never make a decision like this, a D, without being certain that's what he wants. I know him.
What kills me most is how quickly he's been able to move on. He's a very emotionally-void, stoic, businesslike person to begin with. That's just how he's wired. And I realize he just doesn't feel emotion as deeply as people like me. But when we met, it was electrifying and extremely special, unlike anything I've ever experienced in my life. We both knew immediately we the "ones" and we got married in 15 months. And we did everything together, were always together, even up to the end. The fact that he's "done" so easily and quickly is astonishing to me. Like I and our life, home, etc was some ball and chain preventing him from having the life he really wanted. He moved out 6 weeks ago, saying he wanted to separate while we went to counseling. Even then, he made no promises of coming back, but he called, texted me constantly and took me out on dates, etc. But 2 weeks later, he dropped the Big D in counseling, saying he just couldn't forgive the past and didn't want to try. He said we had a lot of good times, and knows we CAN and do get along, but the problem is when conflict arises, and he just doesn't trust anything will change.
I've come to realize, as I said, that I've been unhappy too, just in a LOT of denial. We were both verbally abusive to each other in our own ways...although he's made a career of playing the "victim" and never being wrong.
But I believe in marriage, I believe anything can be overcome if both parties are willing. But he's not willing. And I'm dying inside. Literally dying. I've even fantasized about suicide, but I know I'd never go through with it. When I'm driving, there've been many times I've wished I'd just happen to get into a car accident and die.
I've never been like this. I'm usually a strong person. But for the past 2 days, I've just been inconsolable.
I don't know why I'm saying all this to a bunch of strangers. Guess I'm just looking for some support and to know I'm not alone.
My H moved out 6 weeks ago, initially saying he wanted a separation while we went through counseling to "see IF this can work." But HE wanted to talk every day, see me 3-4 times a week ON TOP of coming over on the weekends to do yard work (our yard is a lot of work). During the first week, he took me out for Valentine's Day and gave me a $100 gift card to a spa. Then, 2 days later in MC, he said he couldn't forgive me, didn't want to try, and "thought he was done." BUT....over the next week, he took me out to dinner on a weeknight and talked about our relationship. Then over the weekend a few days later, we went to dinner again and bowling. Didn't talk about our relationship, but genuinely had a good time. He said "I love you" many times, and held my hand and kissed me many times as well. But once again, 2 days later in MC, he said he wanted space and wanted to "work toward divorce." He said it wasn't that he didn't think we couldn't enjoy each other's company, but couldn't do well in conflict and felt we were just incompatible. He said he had been communicating with me and taking me out because he wanted to make sure I was OK and felt guilty. During that MC session, I was emotionless and accepted reality, which I could tell really surprised him. I said I wanted to stop attending MC (he, on the other hand, wanted to still go to help us through this "process", for whatever reason), and we agreed that he would only contact me about "logistics," like bills and stuff. Our MC suggested waiting 1 month before making any decisions, and my stbxH said (as he has all along) that he "wasn't in any rush to make a big decision." We didn't communicate at all for 4 days after that. But then, on the weekend, he calls. I ignored the call, and he immediately sends a text asking to talk real quick. After a little more back and forth, him calling again, me ignoring again, we get on the phone and he wants to come over and do yardwork. HUH?! I said no, but he resisted, saying "it's my house too!" so I gave in to avoid a fight. I made sure I was calm and pleasant though. Throughout the following week, he was texting me almost everyday about stuff that frankly was not the "logistics" we had agreed to. It kinda was in a way, but definitely not a necessity to discuss. The night before my birthday (5 days after he came over to do yard work), he SHOWS UP at the house a little after 9 pm!!! He said he tried calling and texting me for the past hour (my phone was in my purse on silent), needed to grab some more of his things/clothes, and to also give me my birthday card. He immediately started getting all domestic..."where's that screwdriver? X needs to be fixed" and took out the trash and recycle to the curb, etc. He gave me a big hug, grabbed his stuff, and left. I open his card, and inside was another $100 gift card to my favorite store. More mixed signals!!! Once again, over the weekend 2 days later, he just SHOWS UP (because I once again wasn't answering my phone for the past hour)!!! For what? Yardwork, of course! At this point, we were halfway through our "one month before making any big decisions." And I frankly was becoming a nervous wreck whenever he contacted me in any way, shape or form. He literally unraveled any progress or strength I had rebuilt with one text, and you can imagine how I felt when he just showed up unannounced. WTH is up with all these mixed signals?!?! WHY is he acting so weird and WHY can't he just leave me alone!? That's what he said he wanted, right?! So, I decided I wanted to "go dark" for the next 2 weeks. I really needed my strength back and prepare for the Big D. I texted him in the morning asking to talk briefly later that night and we set up a time. But he couldn't stand waiting, so he calls me 3 hours early. I ignored the call, he texts asking to talk now. I stalled as much as I could, but eventually gave in. When I said I wanted complete space for the next 2 weeks to take care of myself, he didn't even acknowledge what I said. Instead, he asks "so are you ready to make that appointment with the mediator?" because ALL OF A SUDDEN, he's ready for that step. I said I'd think about it, but I knew what I needed, so I texted him the next day saying I really did need the 2 weeks, and he said OK. Did he respect that? NOPE. Halfway through the 2 weeks (a few days ago), he emails me, saying he took the day off from work and dropped by the house to fix something. He launches into this thing about being respectful and fair about not boxing up his personal items and decorations in preparation of selling the house. I emailed him back, saying I had every intention of being respectful and fair, and the changes I made to the house were merely just to get it staged in preparation for selling (which was 100% true). He responds, apologizing for misinterpreting my intentions, and then launches into what basically boiled down to him clearly thinking I'm incapable of making good decisions and giving me detailed instructions on how to paint the walls and stuff.
Anyway, the 2 weeks of going dark is up in a few days, and while hearing from him in the middle of that period rattled me, getting space from him overall has been exactly what I needed. I'm FREAKED OUT to start communicating with him again. He's acting so weird and businesslike, but he'll throw in his favorite line every now and then: "I know this is really hard for us." WHAT exactly is hard for YOU? I feel like it's a line is IC told him to say to me because I'm oh-so fragile or whatever. I'm NOT a fragile little flower. I can handle ANYTHING, I'm very strong. But communicating with him in any way at this point is very, very, very painful because he's just not acting remotely like the person I was married to. I just don't know how I'm going to handle communicating again next week. I'm ******DREADING****** it, dreading what he'll be like in mediation and selling the house. What should I do!?!?!
Throughout our marriage, even right up to the end, we were always together. There were no changes in his usual pattern, and I never found anything suspicious when I looked through his phone. We had sex everyday (yes, everyday), even right up to the end.
I'll spare you all the details, but things really changed in August after our last HUGE blow up when I essentially dared him to divorce me during our rage. He literally was on his way out the door for real, but I convinced him to stay. We had been fighting a lot for a few weeks leading up to that event, so we were both at our wits end. I was having a medical issue that required me to be on a LOT of hormones and I was literally a crazy person at the time. I know I wouldn't have said or done the things I did if it weren't for the hormones.
But he's very dismissive of me and my feelings, always has been, said "hormones don't have that much of an impact," which of course only added to my anger.
He's also a very cold, stoic, emotionally-void human being. Always has been. And I'm literally the opposite. He never understood me, and was instead very critical of me because of it.
Anyway, after he moved out, I've asked him twice if there's someone else, and he denied it. And the way he denied it wasn't indicative of someone who's lying.
I've also spoken to mutual friends, people he's close to, and he's denied there being someone else too, and they said he didn't give off any vibes or indication otherwise.
I know it's still a possibility, though. One can never really know. It just isn't like him, so it's really really hard to come to terms with that....
I am so sorry you are in such pain. We have all been there and I know how devastating this can be
Can you provide some background? How long have you been married, ow mnay kids do you have? Etc.. Most people have posted that information on the botom o the posts. It's gives insight into the situation. Are you still livin together? Has he moved out? How long has this been going on?
Please know that your feelings will get better. Have you spoken to a therapist or psychiatrist? It may be that you need some meds to even yourself out which may take a couple of months. I am obviously not a doctor but I don't like reading about your wanting to not wake up.
Keep you chin up - everyone on this board is very supportive and are pulling for you.
