Sandi what a great anology of the waw. I have been on this Rollercoaster for 14 months and look back at my sitch and all the opportunities that I let slip by. My waw is turning 49 next week. So much of what I read In your post fits her to a tee. Sandi,do you think a waw who has unresolved child hood issues with her father have a greater chance of going wayward? I guess another way to ask is from your experience with waw's is this an issue you see playing a role in the waw's demise? I have read a lot of books and I see the impact of a dads relationship with daughters playing a significant role in there seldom esteem etc. Love to hear your thoughts on this.
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
Hi. Great post I think it takes the LBS a long time to realise what you are saying. For me it's taken 6 months to see that W is wayward and not just unhappy or sad. Thanks. I hope all newcomers gett to see this asap.
I find myself in this situation, where I did let my WAW come back to easily.
From D-Day in December to March, I was chasing her. She went from a loving wife and caring mother to acting like a teenager, spending entire weekends, even sleep overs during weekdays, with the OM. She talked about separation, she wasn't happy, basically followed the script.
When I did the 180 at the end of Feb, she was the one who asked me if we can still work it out and of course I said yes.
I told her she has to go NC with OM, but she hasn't been serious about it. She said something like baby steps. She stays at home now, doing more work around the house, talking about future vacations, but I know she's still texting and possibly seeing OM during the weekdays.
We're friendly at home, even sweet, so I'm really confused how to handle this situation. She does ask for my attention and affection, something that was lacking pre A. I fear that when I go strict on her like a parent, it will turn her off and run back to the OM.
How can I make her "go thru pregnancy" as you put it, without her leaving again?
Sandi,do you think a waw who has unresolved child hood issues with her father have a greater chance of going wayward? I guess another way to ask is from your experience with waw's is this an issue you see playing a role in the waw's demise?
What kind of unresolved issues does she have with her father?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Was talking to my friend about this and he came up with an interesting analogy.
Suppose someone had saved up a lot of money over 10-20 years. Then, they became a drug or gambling addict. They might burn through all of their savings, then eventually max out all of their credit lines, doing whatever they needed to for them to keep getting their fix. They might continue until they had no more money, their credit was shot with friends and with creditors, and they had no way left to get their drug of choice. Only then might they hit rock bottom.
Similarly, the love and emotional goodwill of the LBS is like the "savings account". The WW will throw the LBS some GENUINE feelings of conflict, regret, and affection, but the true purpose is so they LBS doesn't "cut them off". The true goal is to be able to avoid consequences and maintain a lifestyle in which they get their fix. They won't stop until the LBS gets tired of the game and genuinely lets go.
In the gambling/drug situation, the moment the other spouse tried to shut off access to the bank accounts, the addict would throw a FIT. The spouse is now a threat to their fix and so they become an enemy, subject to manipulation, rage, abuse, etc. So too with LBS's, the moment they ask for transparency and the requirement to leave OM, etc, the WW kicks and screams and get's really angry about how "they are trying to work on the M but you are making it impossible for me to want to", etc.
BEST THING A LBS CAN DO IS SHUT OFF ACCESS TO THE EMOTIONAL SAVINGS THAT WERE BUILT OVER THE YEARS. DETACH AND DON'T ALLOW YOUR DESIRE FOR R TO AVOID THE REALITY OF WHAT IS GOING ON.
Walk away, GAL, detach, take care of yourself. Maybe WW will bottom out someday. That can't happen unless you make peace and regain your independence, because as long as you NEED the M, the WW will use that to control the situation and avoid reality.
Last edited by Zues126; 03/21/1506:02 PM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Great analogy Zeus but kinda scary. My kinda of detachment and GAL is rather drastic. I lived in SE Asia from 2000 - 2010. I have more family and friends there than I have here. So my last resort would be to resin from work, leave the kids with the WAW and go there for a couple months just to GAL and get myself together. Whether she comes to her senses or not, I'm hoping to come back stronger so I can be able to move forward with whatever the situation may turn out to be.
M 30 W 31 S8 and S6 M 7 T 13 D-Day Mid December 2014 EA/PA confirmed end of December 2014
Help needed: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2550514#Post2550514
Sandi2, my wife's father left his wife and 3 kids when my wife was 2. The nxt weekend all the kids were sent to live with grandparents 2 hours away. It's a sad story but 3 kids were then split up my wife went back to her mother at age 5. One brother went to dad and other brother stayed with grandparents. My wife has been writing her father letters throughout our 17yrs of marriage and never sent them. He is remarried and treats my wife like a stepchild Anyway she has had self esteem issues. Her oldest brother died in an accident 25yrs ago her other brother lives in the same town as we do. We have always been close with him and his family until last 2 yrs. I am still close but wife thinks he hates her so she has shut him and his family off completely the last 2 yrs. The dynamic is she is jealous of her brother because of his relationship with her dad. Whenever dad is on the outs with brother she becomes chummy with dad. She is turning 49 next week and is now talking about getting her masters etc...everything is always trying to please dad because he never loved her unconditional. Wow that was a lot to share. I hope it's something you can comment on.
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
Determined, I hope I was able to address your questions within the post I replied to Alpha. If the couple is still living under the same roof, I believe the H should not finance any of her personal bills, such as: cell phone, beauty salon, manicures and spas, gas for her car, nights out on the town, etc. Some people may argue that those are punitive actions, but that is not the case. All of these things are applied to her wayward lifestyle, and you would be enabling it. Neither is not about control, but it is about you not supporting something that goes against your core values (if it does). If it doesn't, then you need to examine your own heart to see the true motivation behind your actions.
When a couple separates, It can get complicated over finances and scheduling for the kids. She naturally wants to continue the lifestyle she is accustomed to, and really expects you to support it. She wants all the advantages of a M, but without the commitments & responsibilities. That is why I suggest making it official. Otherwise, she will keep you twisted in knots, causing you anguish over how she is spending your money and her control over when you get the kids.
How do you draw the line in making sure the money goes toward the kids instead of her spending it for something else? When you pay a lump sum for child support, I don't think you get to designate how it is spent. She is the admistrator in that home. I don't know where you live, but if you have a lawyer, I am sure he could advise you. To my knowledge, and narrow experience, the W receives the check once a month (or how ever it is set up) and then it is up to her how she manages that money. It can be a bitter pill, but in the long run, I believe it is better to have it automatically drafted and keep you detached from having to actually write out that check and physically handing it over to her. B/c I see it like constantly picking the scab on a wound. It doesn't get better if it continues to bleed.
I have divorce all around me in my family, and have seen it from the woman's side and the man's side. Unfortunatly, both my S & D have now gone through the experience of divorce. I have seen the unfairness, manipulation, and control up close and personal. My advice is to let the legal system make the decision about the child support and also in scheduling the child-parenting calendar. If you don't, it will be a constant source of push-pull irritation. It can cause a rocky road in trying to reconcile later.
The dating issue is certainly a personal decision, and should be based on your own principles/spiritual beliefs. Otherwise, I could see a few advantages in it. However, let me clarify. To get a girlfriend with the intent of making the W jealous is not one of them. This could backfire in your face. Remember me talking about keeping the road back home paved smooth? Well, this can be applied here. Technically, you would be using another person much like a tool to get something you wanted. A person who has feelings, and who just might fall in love with you.......or become possessive and vindictive (think boiling bunny) . What if she got pregnant or you caught a STD? See what I mean? You would be digging some serious potholes in that road back home, You can't play with people to gain your own personal gratification.
Now, some guys have been able to go out and maybe have a friendly, non-intimate type of "date". It can cause jealousy for the W. But is it effective in getting the WW out of her A and back home again? My answer is that the MR has to be built on fabric much stronger than jealousy. In fact, it won't work if that is all they have.
If you are seeking some technique to use in getting your W back, I would discourage you in taking the route of getting a GF.
Hope this helps you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2, my wife's father left his wife and 3 kids when my wife was 2. The nxt weekend all the kids were sent to live with grandparents 2 hours away. It's a sad story but 3 kids were then split up my wife went back to her mother at age 5. One brother went to dad and other brother stayed with grandparents. My wife has been writing her father letters throughout our 17yrs of marriage and never sent them. He is remarried and treats my wife like a stepchild Anyway she has had self esteem issues. Her oldest brother died in an accident 25yrs ago her other brother lives in the same town as we do. We have always been close with him and his family until last 2 yrs. I am still close but wife thinks he hates her so she has shut him and his family off completely the last 2 yrs. The dynamic is she is jealous of her brother because of his relationship with her dad. Whenever dad is on the outs with brother she becomes chummy with dad. She is turning 49 next week and is now talking about getting her masters etc...everything is always trying to please dad because he never loved her unconditional. Wow that was a lot to share. I hope it's something you can comment on.
_________________________ M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
