I know how you feel. The anticipation builds up, even if we don't realize it, and have no idea what to expect. We think we are prepared, but it' like holding your breath and not really being able to properly exhale... they suck it out of us. It leaves us bewildered. Exhausted. Spinning. I get it. I'm sorry you are feeling the aftermath of a "visit".
Let it out. Work through it. Find the source and start there. I am sure you will bounce back quicker and stronger.
You are amazing, Bright. You deserve so much more than an occasional drop-in. Keep doing you. You find your happiness!
I'm sorry that you are feeling down. Put one foot in front of the other. Those encounters really can take a toll. The unexpected is overwhelming... even when expecting the unexpected.
Job, Wonka, Bea, Mighty, thank you for coming to my rescue. I’m so grateful for having you in my life.
No, nothing happened at work. Only the good stuff. I’m actually getting some bonus. And I still like my job and the people I work with.
Normally, when I come to work, I don’t think much about my sitch. I’m busy and interact with people. It is when I go home, I feel completely different. Like I’m in a different world. But this morning I struggled at work too, to pick up the pace.
There are other good things happening at work, like get together events and parties. So, I should feel great, right. I’m moving on with my life and doing fun things and making friends, etc. But, it is not the case recently. I’m struggling with all of this. I almost cried today when I was trying to decide whether I wanted to sing up for a beer brewing club. It is like I’m forcing myself to do all that stuff, but what I really want to do is to go home, crawl on the couch, cover my face with the blanket and do nothing.
I guess I still cannot get used to the thought that my life is different now. All the dreams that I had about growing older with H are gone now. And I cannot picture my life any different but being alone. I guess H’s visit reminded me of that. I cannot imagine being in another relationship. Nothing and nobody excites me. I have some decent vacation time this year, but I don’t know what to do with it. I want to travel, but I don’t like traveling alone.
I feel so alone. I feel different. Other people are able to move on with their lives. I seem to be unable to, in spite of what I’m trying to tell myself. I cannot show any of my feelings to my family or friends. I get beaten upside the head and slammed with “harsh truth” over and over again. They think they know better about what I need to do and don’t miss a change to remind me that H is a history, I should get over it by now and enjoy my life. I agree… I wish I could do it.
I’m sure there is more to process, but I’m just not good at putting it into words. I think I’m a hopeless case. When I think I’m moving on, I slide right back into the same old sh!t.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright - I hope you won't be offended but have you thought of talking to a good therapist? Quiet introverted people who put a good face on things often struggle.
I have benefited greatly from having a good therapist in my life - I don't see him often but when I hit a bump I have an appointment and talk it through. He gives me help in coping, but nowadays i see him very seldom!
Bright - please be kind to yourself. This is a terrible situation you never thought you would be in. As for healing - it takes time and on your time table. Don't let family or friends tell you when and how to grieve. You set the pace for that.
I too struggle with feeling so alone and adrift. I have my kids every other week but it's still a struggle.
I am seeing a psychiatrist who has prescribed some antidepressants And anti anxiety meds to take the hard edge off this. This has helped me.
Glad to hear you coming back and posting about what's going on with you.
All I can say is one day at a time...one foot in front of another. Sometimes reminders of our former spouses sends us in a tailspin. I had a wobble over the last weekend after talking with Ms. Wonka this past Friday during one of our rare phone calls and I had a good cry the very next day.
That emotion, what I identify, is called the pesky "what-ifs' that races inside our noggins. Dang little critter called rumination....grrrr. Be gone and leave me alone!
Bea, no, I’m not offended. I just don’t see how that would work for me. It didn’t in the past. I tend to live my emotions in the moment. By the time I would have an appointment with a therapist, I would be thinking that my feelings were just silly and I would not know where to start. It happened to me before. I don’t know why. It is probably an issue in its own.
FOOLISH, thanks for stopping by. I do have a lot of friends here and I feel very grateful for that.
Wonka, I’m sorry you had a hard time after the phone conversation with Ms. Wonka. This is exactly it, the rumination… And “what ifs”… I’ve been always a person who said “never say never”. I’m the last one to abandon the ship… When do I learn to let go for real? I don’t know. Is it never?
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Received an e-mail from my BIL (H’s brother) today with the link to the site for the upcoming run this months, with an exclamation “Yahoo!” It is sent to me, my H and a few friends that we both know. We do this run every year. Well, H always walked it, since he cannot run – bad knee. BIL is going to walk it this year too, because of his knee surgery.
So, this is kind of weird. It is like “we are all friends”… Which includes me and H in the same group…
There was one group reply to this e-mail from one of the friends. So, I sent a group reply expressing my excitement. This could be interesting this year…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Well, I have some updates, just was not motivated to post. Busy, tired, lazy, and well… just not motivated.
First, the GAL activities… I’ve been doing a lot of it lately. Last week I went for a happy hour with a group of people from work, then to a after work gathering for wine and snacks with a different group, then on Friday – dinner with my GF (bumped into my BIL, H’s brother, his GF and the friends who know me and H). Then on Saturday I was at the St. Patrick ’s Day party in the neighborhood.
This Monday I went to a celebration party after work that was dedicated to a completion of a project at work. And at last, this Saturday I’m going to a B-day party on a party boat at the harbor. I’m kind of exhausted, but I’m glad I went to all of these.
H has been sort of in contact. I just don’t pay attention anymore about the frequency. When H was in the house last time to pick up his mail, etc. he asked me to send him a company file, so he could reconcile his credit card. I did send the file. There was no answer for some time. I went online and checked if the card was paid and it wasn’t. He also promised to send me the tax info, but didn’t. So, I sent a text asking him if he was still considering to file taxes jointly, and if yes, to send me the tax info. He replied with the numbers. I also texted him asking to send me updated company file. He texted back that he would do it next day.
So, next day he e-mailed me the file. When I checked it, I saw that he wrote a check to pay for the credit card bill. It was one day before the bill was due. This was kind of interesting. In the past, he would be very upset if he was late with credit card bills. He would find other ways to pay it, over the phone, directly from the back account, etc. This time it seemed like he didn’t care.
A few days ago I sent a text to him with the numbers for auto insurance policy renewal, which he asked me to do, so he could decide whether to reduce the coverage on his car and truck. He replied back asking me if I could wait to pay it, so he could explore his options. I said “sure”. It’s been 5 days now, and there is no reply from him. It is not like him. He normally gets the stuff done pretty quickly. How hard is it to call around and get the quotes!? Or decide to reduce the coverage on the track, since his car is already at a minimum coverage – liability only. Unless there is something different in that statement about exploring the options that I don’t understand…
On another note, he’s been very polite lately, asking me if I needed some favors, thanking me for everything, and even adding my name like this: “thanks, Bright”.
Other than that, there is nothing going on in my sitch . I’ve been feeling better. Just dread another setback, which seems to be inevitable… based on the past experience…
Oh, and I forgot to mention. I became friends on Facebook with a woman who is also friends with H and our mutual friends at the vacation home place. Her FB account was so private that I could not see who she had as friends. Well, H happened to be one of them. And then another common friend sent a friend request… So, this woman had a b-day and everyone was posting on her page. I posted before H, so now he probably knows that I’m on the FB. So, my DB coach’s suggestion from almost 2 years ago has now been implemented. How weird is that.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, You are a busy and popular lady these days! It's any wonder you are tired! LOL! However, I'm glad you are getting out and socializing w/others. It truly gives you something else to think about.
As for your h and paying bills. I'm not a mind reader, but he could be having some financial issues and is waiting until the drop dead date to pay the bills or he's in a depressive fog and doesn't think about paying them until the last minute or he's out there staying busy doing whatever and doesn't think about them until later. Teenagers don't always pay their bills early and my guess is that he's just sitting on them until the last minute to pay them. But, no matter what he's doing...he at least paid the credit card bill the day before it was due.
As for the vehicle insurance...if it's due soon, send him an email and remind him. You don't want to see this terminated because he's not done anything about the estimates. If the insurance is terminated, he can't drive the vehicles.
I do hope that you are able to get outside and work in your yard. Spring is here and it's time to think about outdoor activities and not just yard work. So, what do you have planned for the weekend?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
