Wife ready to walk away

[Miler]

Here is my thread. I was told to post in the newcomers section so it would get more traffic.

Thanks for any input and advice...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2548552#Post2548552

[Cadet]

I would make this your primary thread
here is your first post.

Hi all, I've been on here reading quite a bit for the past 3 days and decided to post. Everyone is so supportive and has great advice. I also have 2 of Michele's books.

My wife and I have been married for 15 years, we have 3 kids ages 14, 12, and 6. We have by no means had a bad marriage, but little things here and there that have eroded trust and building up walls. I have been talking with her for about the last 18 months about both of us seeming distant and not opening up. She has agreed. Late last week, I felt I need to talk with her about it... BOOM! She said she no longer feels that she know who she is, she feels like she doesn't have the ability to be vulnerable around me, and doesn't think it can continue to work. She said she doesn't truly believe people can change, or relationships can change, and she's given 15 years for this one to change and it hasn't.

Instead of giving her space, I continued to try and get her to see the bright side and see if we could work together and change. She said she was taking a stand on this one and she was going to do what it took to get herself back. She was willing to give it a little time and see counseling. I told her we could set a good example to the kids about digging in rolling up their sleeves and fighting for what you want. She said her perspective is that you can also leave a relationship for happiness and get what you want as well. I really worry about the kids.

Last night we started to talk about it again, which ended in another big fight in which she proceed to tell me I had 3 days to show her I could change...and I didn't. Whew...I'm lost. This morning she agree to call of the divorce, have a separation period under the same roof, and see a counselor next Thursday. Man this is hard. I obviously want to talk things out, but she is so hurt, raw, and has her heels dug in, it can only go south. She said her reasoning to go to counseling is so that we can communicate better...don't know if that means towards working on our relationship or just in the fact we will have to co-parent as divorcees.

Here is the list of things she says I do (yes I wrote them down after the fight)
1) always feels like I'm stressed and won't open up
2) Has everyone else living on egg shells
3) Can be controlling when we fight
4) Don't listen well
5) Think of myself first
6) emotionally up and down when we fight

How do I move forward. I intend not to talk with her about the relationship anymore until we see the therapist. What should I do around the house? How should I act? Please help!

I gave you my welcome post there but I agree that you should keep posting here.(there will be more traffic)

[Miler]

Had a non-conflict night last night!! I came home extremely upbeat, and asked how everyone's day went. She answered and asked about mine. I played outside with the boys, played aboard game with them, and helped with homework. I offered to help with dinner, and I got no thanks with no eye contact. We all had dinner together, but she and I didn't communicate. I went and picked up my daughter from the gym, ran and got milk (without her asking because we were out), and put the kids down. When I came downstairs, she was folding clothes. I offered to help, but she said nope, I got it...so I told her good night and went to my room. Little things I noticed:

1) she did not make my plate of dinner, only hers and the kids.
2) she avoided eye contact at all costs
3) she answered any questions, but had short answers
4) she initiated one conversation about one of the boy's friends

***I must admit, I almost feel as though she is mad at me because I am not unhappy?!?!?

This morning, she was very icy and avoided eye contact. She gave one word answers for things like when I told everyone to have a good day. She happened to be walking back into the house from dropping off the kids as I was walking out to my ride. She actually smiled and I told her to have a great day...I didn't pay attention to whether she answered or not.

About 30 minutes into work, she texted me to tell me son's track meet was cancelled. She then texted to ask about some pictures that might be on my laptop. I answered very upbeat telling her I would look and send them to her. She texted back to tell me no hurry. I sent the pictures and told her there were some great shots in there. She immediately replied, Thank you.

What do we think? Am I going about this the right way?

[Miler]

Last week, wife's favorite uncle died. We obviously had limited interaction over the last week with the separation. I went into her room last night and told her that I didn't have the right words, but I was so sorry for her loss and I knew how much he meant to her. She actually looked my into the eyes and told me she appreciated it. Later in the night, she actually initiated some talk (not about the kids) while we were all at the dinner table. I only responded when spoken to and made myself scarce around the house (doing 180s...folding laundry, helping kids with homework, talking with my daughter on her bed, etc.). She definitely pulled away for the rest of the night - of course there is still a huge part of her grieving as well.

She was leaving this morning to go to the funeral a few states away with her parents (there will be a big family there). I was helping get the kids ready for school. She came and told each one of them bye, but didn't really acknowledge me. At one point though, I was bringing my work bag to the living room and she gave me a half smile and rubbed down my arm. I just kept going and went about my business. I haven't called, texted, or any thing since. I did send flowers to her aunt this morning...I am assuming she will see that when she gets there. I am assuming right now she is thinking "too little, too late"

ANY INSIGHTS, INPUT, or ADVICE? any thing new when she gets back on Sunday night?

[Miler]

Crazy, as I was typing the last post, my wife texted me to tell my youngest that she loves him. The pessimist in me thinks this could be her reminder to me that I needed to pick him up from school in her absence, but her-initiated communication is communication, right?

[Miler]

Will not talk about relationship until be see counselor next Thursday. That will be the first time we will have talked about it since we agreed to 1 month under the same roof separation and counseling. Earlier that day, she said it would probably be better if we got a divorce because she couldn't see me changing. I told her I would change to save the marriage, if for the kids only. She asked how she could believe me that I would change, because I haven't in 15 years. She was tired of believing me and letting her guard down, she had built up and wall and didn't know who she was anymore. I have been DB/DRing ever since then. My changes and 180s, and have been great. I have been disconnecting from work, my head, my device, etc. to be in the moment with the kids. I am always upbeat around the house and give her plenty of space - Sandi's rules!

[Miler]

Goals for counseling (this is a female pro-marriage Gotten style counselor):
1) Let my wife vent in a "protective" environment
2) Validation - directly from the validation cheat sheet
3) High light what I am working on without making it seem like I am telling my wife I am changing.

Any thoughts from you guys?

[Miler]

Yesterday morning I ended up sending flowers to her aunt's house, but didn't tell anyone. Last night, I got a text from my W asking if I sent flowers. I texted back "I did". She then replied. "Thank you. Everyone was asking because the card said from you and the family...that was very sweet." I didn't send anything back. Before bed, she FaceTimed with the kids, but didn't acknowledge my presence. Man I feel like I am on a roller coaster. Anyone have any thoughts? Also, She asked if I could pick her up from the airport on Sunday evening, but went on to tell me her best friend was busy at that time...is she trying to bait me into a reaction?

[Cadet]

is she trying to bait me into a reaction?

Maybe

She is working on pure emotion right now,
so not thinking things through but depending on how
her emotions feel then that is how she feels.

Make sense?

High light what I am working on without making it seem like I am telling my wife I am changing.

Any thoughts from you guys?

You make changes for YOU
not to win her back

They must be real changes too
that is why the focus goes to YOU.

[Miler]

Cadet, I understand what you are saying. Do you not think she is thinking about whether this can work or whether my changes are real and lasting?

Indeed, my changes are for me and the kids. It's only been a week, but I've been disconnected from work, devices, and my own head. I've been in the moment with my kids, spending quality time with them, and really connecting with them. I have been following through on my commitments as well. These changes ARE for me, and I don't ever want to go back. I am very happy with where I am...my anxiety stems from the fact that I wish the whole family (including wife) want to move forward with the changes. I'll say, I've already seen a warming in behavior from my 14 year old daughter. She wants to spend more time with me, she wants to be in the same room with me (not up in her room texting or watching Netflix). Hopefully it's not too late to right this whole ship!