Well, OM came and went this week without any major issues. She had a minor crash yesterday evening but it wasn't a bad one. I listened, validated, stayed positive, yada yada yada. That's getting so much easier now.
We went to work out and then went to our favorite chain restaurant for late night appetizers and our MC homework. The C had given us a list of open ended questions for each one of us to answer..things like "In my family the most important thing was...." We ended up having a great talk that night; she even learned something about me she didn't know! Most of the questions were about our families growing up. Our families were very different. That's not a bad thing per se, but my family could be very intrusive, and that's been a major source of stress on our M.
I feel more healthily detached from her. We both talked (and agreed) that we needed to see each other as individuals on our own journeys (very true) and we needed to give each other the freedom to go on those journeys (within the bounds of M). I told her that if she needed a different life to be happy, that I was OK with that. And I really am. I'm only interested in an authentic R with her, whatever form that R takes. The last few months have destroyed my ability to put up with relationships that are merely "comfortable". She still wonders whether this M has run its course, and we're both meant to move on. It didn't really bother me when she said it. I'm asking the same questions. It bothers me a bit that I can actually see her as just a friend. We've never been "just friends".
I'm heartened by her more positive outlook...I even see her "poor me" attitude fading, at least for the time being. It changes daily, of course. She's still very open about her loneliness and disconnect with me, but she seem stronger. She's not doing the depressive crash and spew right now. I'll take that as a win.
Her surgery is scheduled for 4/7; she'll be off work for 2 weeks at least during the recovery period. Not sure what that's going to do for her state of mind...work and exercise are her two main stress releases, and she won't be able to do either one for a while. April may be a long month. S is still on the table; but if it happens it'll be after she recovers and gets back to work.
On balance I'd say we're in a good place. I'm still bothered by her apparent lack of remorse. She says she regrets what happened and she talk about how "lost" she was, but she never seems very "sorry" for the pain she caused. I think she's still doing too much justification because of the pain that I caused her. I fully own my failures in our relationship, but it still seems to be too much about my mistakes and not enough about hers. In the grand scheme of things her A was pretty mild and she's done a good job of staying within boundaries. OM even attempted to flirt with her when he was in town this last time and she shut him down.
Am I putting too much emphasis on her remorse? I don't expect her to cry at my feet and beg forgiveness, but she still seems too focused on my role. Is this something i should be concerned about or am I doing too much scorekeeping?
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Although a FWW saying the WORDS "I'm sorry" are important (although for some betrayed husbands, it's a dealbreaker and I respect that) . . . I think an overall ATTITUDE of remorse is imperative.
I don't think I've ever seen a successful reconciliation where the formerly cheating spouse didn't convey that attitude, and where they didn't do the lion's share of the heavy relationship repair in the early "piecing" stage (at least after the "hard withdrawal" period of the first couple of weeks passes).
Yeah, that's the part that still bothers me. Overall, I'd say that she's trying. She's focused on our relationship, she's participating actively in MC, she does characterize the A as a mistake and says that she was foolish. She does apologize, but I just don't feel it. Maybe she's still working through all her resentment of me and she's still holding on to some justification. Maybe I'm just thinking that because I don't feel the remorse from her, that she's not feeling it. Obviously I can't ask for remorse. It'll either shake out in this whole process or it won't.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
No, but you can tell yourself that you need it, and that it's reasonable to expect it by some certain point. Fight like hell for your marriage, but don't lose yourself in the process. And keep calling her on her bullch*t when he plays it.
At some point, she will either come around or you will lose your will to continue at this.
I am so glad you gave directions to find you! I have been concerned about you. I will catch up on your thread, just wanted to reach out and give ya a hug.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
