Need Help 2

[errod]

Never heard anything else from W tonight. I guess that was to be expected. I did not try to contact her either which is hard to do, but something I need to learn to do.

On a positive D14 and I had a fun night. We went to Target because we both needed shaving cream. Then we ate Burger King (my first time eating fast food in over a year). Came home and watched Bates Motel and then some of her shows Kardashians, Pretty in Pink, etc. D14 just went to bed now and I am not going to be to far behind.

[errod]

I have a question for the experienced. I don't know if this situation is going to come up or not but if it does I need to prepare myself because I can do extreme damage if not prepared.

Last week D14 told me W is planning on taking her to Myrtle Beach for some of Spring Break. Myrtle Beach is somewhere I have been trying to get my W to go our entire marriage and she had not interest in going. So if she does this it is to take a shot at me. Keep in mind she has not told me any of this and has not even talked about how we are splitting up our days that week.

But if this is the case, how should I handle it when she tries to tell me. Obviously I am going to want to blow up, but that would not be good. If it is by phone do I hang up. If it is by text do I ignore her. If it is in person do I just quietly walk away and go home with out saying a word? And advice to prepare me would be a big help because I know if I don't have a plan I can possibly say something that would end our marriage for good.

[Fogg]

I'm not really experienced but I will let you know my opinion on this. Don't react to it, just tell her have a nice time and leave it at that. Getting upset over this in front of her will do nothing for you. You don't know the reasons for sure why she is going to this specific place so getting angry doesn't help you in any way. She could be trying to get at you, or she could just be a WAW doing things that don't make sense.

I understand your frustration. I've had a few similar experiences where W has done things without me. Things I wanted her to do but she never wanted to. Then some other things that we had planned to do together and never got around to doing(First tattoo). It made me sick to think she was leaving me behind, angry at the thought she might have done it out of spite, and just jealous in general.

Something else. "...I can possibly say something that would end our marriage for good.". Your looking at this wrong still. You don't say something that will end it for good because the marriage is dead. Your marriage has already ended. She ended it, not you. You need to accept this. Any future you have with her will be in a new marriage, and that may or may not happen.

[T384]

It suks but getting upset and reacting to her will only add to her belief of what she has made you about to be

What would be a 180 for you to a situation like this

[errod]

A 180 for me would be just simply saying have fun and ending the conversation at that point. I know everything she does is to get a reaction from me.

[Fogg]

A 180 for me would be just simply saying have fun and ending the conversation at that point. I know everything she does is to get a reaction from me.

You don't know that for certain, your speculating and mind reading. You keep trying to analyze her actions and trying to understand her thinking, as we all do at times. She might be testing you to see if your still acting controlling, and doing the 180 as you mentioned above would be a good plan. She could also just be going to the beach as she is a different person now and it has nothing to do with you.

The issue is when you constantly think EVERYTHING shes doing is because of you, you think all shes doing is thinking of you. Shes not, you might not enter her mind much during the day.

In a previous post you mentioned how you said/wanted her to just tell you what she was doing instead of sneaking around. I believe you told her you just wanted her to be honest with you. You have expectations still of her to act like a W by telling you the truth about something. Shes not going to act like your W, so she really has no reason in her mind to tell you anything about what shes doing. If she wants to hide it from you it could also be for many reasons.

[errod]

So W texts me at 6:30 this morning, telling me she has a list of addresses for me to send business cards to for my new business. I simply wrote thank you. She then wrote I will always help you. I want you to succeed. I don't want to fight anymore. I then wrote back have a good day at work and I will talk to you later.

I did stop by the office on my way home from the gym to drop off coffee for the girls. I did see them girls everyday the last 7 years hired them and know there families. So I still care for them like extended family. W happened to be sitting up front then. I handed her hers she says you got me my favorite blueberry flavored. She then brought up the addresses she has for me and that she will bring it over tonight. She still looks in my eyes and smiles the entire time we talk.

I don't know how to read her. Is she letting her guard down a little or is she so done that it is easy to just look at me as the father of our daughter.

I still can't get out of my mind what my attorney said yesterday. He said this is the strangest case he ever worked on. He said he has me doing everything possible to fight and extend the process. Then he sees the paperwork and my W has a statement in there about how much I did for her and how I should be compensated for it. He told me we really need to go to counseling because there has to be something left. He said it is the first time in his career he said that. I want to do a marriage retreat so bad, but my W has no interest in doing it at all.

As I am writing this W just texted me thank you so much for the coffee. It is a great pick me up on this rainy day.

[Sotto]

Errod, I still think you're focusing and writing waaay too much about your W. Can you try and shift focus? I know how hard that is - but lets hear more about what you are doing for you - whatever your W might be doing.

You mention above that your W is 'hard to read' - my advice is - Don't even go there right now!

Hang on in there my friend....

[errod]

Toots I know what you are saying. Unfortunately I am not doing much for my self. I go to the gym each morning then, I go to work for a few hours. But I can not get her out of my mind for a minute no matter how hard I try. Our marriage was probably so intertwined that it was unhealthy. At the time I did not think it. I was spending every minute of everyday with my best friend, my W, the woman that I took a vow to be with forever. Now that things went south I am just lost. I never let anyone else into my life.

[Sotto]

I know it's hard Errod. But the more you can do for yourself, the better you'll be able to get her out of your mind.

Was it you who asked for cheap GAL options a while ago? Did you follow any of those up? The more you can do (and you might have to make yourself do them at first) the more you see that there is a life out there beyond your M.

And the fact is - sorry to be blunt - you have no M right now. You have been fired as spouse to your W.

You also mention the co-dependence. Would you want to return to such an enmeshed R again? Something to think about there. And they always say on these forums, the WAS is never going to return to the same M. Something has to change...

I truly understand how hard this feels. But if you can start moving painfully forward and shift the focus away from your W, you will feel the benefit of this.

Good luck my friend...(((Errod)))