If it helps at all, I used monthly goals in the early stages of my sitch. And TBH, most of them were about survival. They included things like:
Find an IC and start counselling Find a new volunteering opportunity (GAL) Find and start going to a new book club Make 'this much' money this month (I left my job) Arrange lunch with X friend Read X self help book Go to one infidelity support group session
All of these were about helping me get through things. At that time H and I were having regular talks too and he was continuing his A. This was before I discovered DB and stopped all pursuit.
You mention a very stark choice above - fight with all my heart or give up. Yes, fight with all your heart - but do it to rediscover yourself and what you want from life. Truly the advice you are getting is the best way forward right now, and fighting for your W or pursuing are going to keep driving her away.
I once read a quote in a book about bereavement, and it has always stayed with me - "our happiness can never depend entirely upon someone else." And I think you need to see and believe that is the case. I look at my life now, and there are many wonderful people in it, who bring me much joy - apart from H. Although he was the most important for me and I have lost him - at least for now.
A turning point for me was when I truly accepted he is gone right now. I fought against that for months. I read books with a highlighter. I planned our conversations and made notes. I made notes about the notes and so on. What will 'solve' this??? Then one day I truly accepted - it is what it is. And I threw all my notes in the bin, and just started moving forwards...
Wishing you well on your journey Errod. You'll get there......(((Errod)))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
The thing that makes it most difficult is that we are intertwined in so many ways. I still make all the financial decisions. We have a D14 together who is very active in School Athletics. We also have a house that we are trying to sell. Which the contract on it just fell through, but we have received two showings since re listing the house.
With all those things I have had to have contact with W on numerous occasions today. But I did keep the conversation very upbeat and very business oriented. We have not had relationship talk since Monday. That is long for us and I am not the one that brought it up. She was upset thinking that some lady at the bank wanted me.
Over all it is a beautiful spring day today. I am actually in a very upbeat mood. I have D14 tonight.
Me: 36 W: 36 D: 14 T: 18 (05/1997) M: 16 (05/1999) BD: 7/23/15 Separation 01/2015 D mentioned and started 02/2015 D filed 3/2015 OM confirmed 3/30/15
I did not write much yesterday because it was an emotional roller coaster. I had to go to W's to get tools. She was having an emotional breakdown and looks horrible. She is totally run down. One person can not do all the things we did together, but she said she would die before admitting she can't. She then started complaining about how much she has to work to pay me off. I did say that this could all have been prevented if she was only willing to work on the marriage.
So then this morning I mailed her a letter letting her know that I am here for her but I will not be texting or calling her anymore. If the time comes I am willing to work on our marriage but I can not do it alone.
Now the challenge is staying busy today. I ran 5 miles earlier this morning. I am going to shower and then try to take a nap. Saturday's are my hardest day to get through.
Me: 36 W: 36 D: 14 T: 18 (05/1997) M: 16 (05/1999) BD: 7/23/15 Separation 01/2015 D mentioned and started 02/2015 D filed 3/2015 OM confirmed 3/30/15
I did not write much yesterday because it was an emotional roller coaster. I had to go to W's to get tools. She was having an emotional breakdown and looks horrible. She is totally run down. One person can not do all the things we did together, but she said she would die before admitting she can't. She then started complaining about how much she has to work to pay me off. I did say that this could all have been prevented if she was only willing to work on the marriage.
So then this morning I mailed her a letter letting her know that I am here for her but I will not be texting or calling her anymore. If the time comes I am willing to work on our marriage but I can not do it alone.
Now the challenge is staying busy today. I ran 5 miles earlier this morning. I am going to shower and then try to take a nap. Saturday's are my hardest day to get through.
Errod......
You have to give her a chance to face the consequences of her own actions and not try to be there for her. It doesn't work if you keep telling her, SHE has to learn it on her own. Yes, we all know shes doing this to herself but every time you tell her something like that your pursuing her. All she hears is "you cant do this by yourself, you need me" and that roots her in place of proving you wrong. That's not what you want, but you keep doing it.
Stop all those comments to her about what shes doing or how it could be avoided. SAY NOTHING ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO HER. If she brings it up, just listen and validate what you can, and fight the urge to comment. If you don't think you can validate without saying something like that, say nothing, just listen.
Your just fighting yourself with her and making it harder on you. Get out and see an early movie today, the first of the day generally are discounted. Go to a book store and buy "codependent no more", mine is in the mail but it might be something that would benefit you also.
I know this is hard, try to remain strong. You have to detach.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
