God - I just read Sandi's list and am can't see my WAW doing any of these things. In fact, she has done none of them, the affair is my fault, I am a creep, she resents my grief, I call all the shots, is angry still about an incident that happened 7 years ago, and blames me for any negative consequence that occurs due to her infidelity.
Continuing to acccept reality, have no expectations and GAL.
I just feel very very down at it today.
HeavyD: I hear you. I'm in the same boat. Not a pleasant place to be, and very heartbreaking.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
Why are you accepting responsibility for her choices? Yes you messed up. You're human too and are working to take responsibility for what you did. She'll have to do the same.
One of the themes that's always present, the spouse that's leaving has to vilify the other spouse. Otherwise, they can't justify it in their heads. A pain in the A$$ to accept and I struggle with it A LOT. But it's part of what happens.
You can only own/control you. DB is for us that were left behind and always was. If we're not strong as individuals, then the WAS will feel they did the right thing.
Focus on small things that went well today. Some days that might just be getting up and dressed.
Sandi, thank you for the list. It is very useful. Very good information. Although I don't know what my future holds, I have my doubts my W will go through any of these. All these years together, my W has always struggled with admitting her faults. Or doing anything to try to repair things. I have struggled admitting my faults also. But usually I am the one that helps us make up after a argument. She could stew on things for days if you let her.
It just hit me like a 2 x 4!! By me always being the one to make up first, I was trying to control the situation. I never allowed my W to deal with what was going on herself and her emotions. I never DETACHED from the situation!! Am I correct?
This is exactly what I would do also. No matter what the fight was about I would be the one to apologize first just to end the tension. I felt like she had issues admitting to her faults, and she does, but I contributed to it by never allowing her the time to come to terms with it and realize her mistake. I just added to the idea that I was the one always doing wrong. Reading NMMNG has made me aware that trying to do the "right thing" all the time to end the conflict early did more harm than good.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Thank you for taking time to read and comment on my post.
Yes, you are all right, I don't have to take responsibility for her choices. When I made mistakes (and there were PLENTY) over the years, I wrote letters to express my remorse, I told her over and over again how sorry I was to have caused her any pain, I went through therapy, I attended support groups, anything I could think of to improve and prove I was "worthy" of her. I told her many many times that I had her to thank for our two wonderful children and how happy and proud I was she was my wife.
She has never done any of that for me. She did go to the doctor for medication because she was so "angry" during her monthly cycles. I suggested that and she actually did it.
So in review of our marriage I realize that I must be co-dependent. Jeez another issue to work on. I thought that i what everybody did in marriage, work harder to make things right and to keep the peace. It seems I am a continual work in progress. I will never stop trying to improve me though. I will always try.
It's taken our separation for me to "see" and "get" what it means and how it is viewed by the other partner who is in "control". It is not an honest and equal partnership. We all deserve better than that.
My WAW is not a bad person, but like me has many flaws. The difference between us is that I admit them and work on them through action. She never has. When we went through Martial Counseling recently, she turned the tables on me and said it was for Co-Parenting therapy. We had never discussed that and that was not the reason I made the call to seek marital therapy.
Again, I am not a saint, have made many mistakes, but accept ownership of them and am not a quitter.
I recommend NMMNG to everyone. It fit me so well that for a while I wondered if the author hadn't secretly followed me around!
I apologize for the hijack, but for Starsky, Sandi, Wonka, et. al. (really anyone who's interested) I had to change my name and my thread after D15 found it. I've been keeping it updated, but there's nothing earth-shattering or urgent right now. I'd just hate to lose your wisdom at this stage of the game because you couldn't find me!
I do agree that I am codependent and have been attending the CODA workshops when I don't have the kids (every other week). A lot of it resonates with me. I have read the Codependant No More book by Melanie Beatty. Again, I recognize myself in there.
Working on it and trying to get to a place where I feel good about ME
It's a weird feeling to realize your are codependent.
For example, when things were good with my WAW, everything was good, birds were singing, people on the street were friendly, I was on top of the world.
When we got into an argument, everything was bad. The people on the street looked menacing, my peception of the weather was bad, and I was in a funk.
I can now realize those are clasic symptoms of Co Dependancy.
I thought codependency was only about substance abuse, but I read (on Starsky' advice, IIRC) CNM and saw myself in it. It's really for anyone enmeshed in an unhealthy, overdependent R. My M definitely applied.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
