Wonka, Starsky, y'all are the greatest! That list Wonka wrote looks like a guide made for the LBS. Hummm, has a ring to it. Since this thread is about to close, maybe we can start a new one with that title. "Guide for the LBH who has a WW".
The invitation is open to all who have questions or advice.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What does the LBH do when WW leaves, files for divorce, and pursues R with OM? Starsky, in particular, talks of fighting for his W and R. How can one do that when the W is no longer there, or interested?
To be clear, I almost always recommend fighting for the marriage EARLY -- for some pre-determined amount of time that you can stomach, post-BD (3-4 mos.?) Once there is an active legal divorce action, it would be very rare that I would recommend that someone "fight for" a wayward spouse.
A lot of it depends on "what do you know, when do you know it, and does SHE know that you know," so it can be more complicated than that, but generally speaking I advocate all of the strong moves (establish boundaries, firewall finances, fight for your marriage, aggressive affair-busting) be done EARLY and POWERFULLY. Over time, if the wayward spouse is still unrepentant and unwilling to end their affair, I'm more of a "RobX/let them go" guy.
Starsky
Well, I certainly did the aggressive affair busting early on. I sent an email to OM and W the night that I found out, and informed all of the adult children as well. This INFURIATED W and she said that there is no way she could ever get over the embarrassment, so she actively pursued divorce. I suspect that the REAL reason for quick divorce is to pursue R with OM, but it let's her save face by blaming me for exposing A and "embarrassing" her. Our "children" are all over 18, and are not happy with her choices.
Kramer, I am going to defer this to Starsky as he has had actual experience with this and is better positioned to answer your inquiry than I could.
Wonka, Starsky, y'all are the greatest! That list Wonka wrote looks like a guide made for the LBSLBHs. Hummm, has a ring to it. Since this thread is about to close, maybe we can start a new one with that title. "Guide for the LBH who has a WW".
The invitation is open to all who have questions or advice.
I think the DB approach for LBWs should differ slightly from the LBHs. Because the female and male dynamic is quite different.
Case in point.
For WAWs, the connection to the OM is emotional.
For WAHs, the connection is visual and sexual.
For DBing to be successful, the LBH needs to come down HARD on the WAW because the emotional allure is like a powerful riptide tearing her and the M asunder.
For DBing to be successful, the LBW needs to re-attract her WAH for men really like the chase and are visually-oriented.
Generally, your "Sandi's Rules" list applies to both sets of LBSes equally irrespective of the situation: IA, EA, PA, MLC.
Great discussion on fighting for the M or not and how. I'll put my question out there once more because it was slightly different.
Originally Posted By: Mozza
sandi2- Again, wow. I've a question. In your sitch, did you ever leave your H or intended to? I'm asking because the WW of many LBH here have admitted to the affair and left the marital home. For them, it's not a matter of getting a little fulfillment on the side, but of giving up on their H and changing partner altogether. I wonder if it makes a difference in how we should approach the sitches or if it's just splitting hair.
I'd really like to have the clarification about what sandi2 did or intended to do. Also, I'm not really asking about once the person has left. I'm asking if there is a difference in how we approach the sitch when the WW just wants a secret A and when she wants to replace the H. Sandi2 talks about the WW realizing the wrong she's doing, which is clear for a secret A, but I'm not sure if there is such a path for a WW who wants to leave the M altogether. Clearer? Thanks!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Okay, I started a new thread. I will try to answer your question there, b/c I think this thread is about to close. Give me just a couple (or more) minutes. You know how slow I can get.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
saindi2 - I like these posts so much that I've started a new section at the top of my threads called the "sandi2 collection" where I link to selected posts from this conversation.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
