Thanks for the perspective Patient Man, and Wonka for clarifying further. I guess at the time, provocative dressing seemed quite a superficial thing to me, in the context of him having an ongoing A. And I also struggled because I have met OW and she dresses provocatively for work - lots of breast on show and tight red dresses. And I felt he was 'trying' to turn me into OW, and have me strut about the house in red dresses.
And then he said - of course not when SS is around. So I felt a bit like - so you want me to parent your S, and then dress like a prostitute. Where's me in all of this? I don't dress like that?
So, I didn't dismiss it to him. I did think a lot about it and he and I talked about it. And I have thought about it a lot since. And my overall take on it was that we let some of the passion ebb away, and our LM became more routine, and that it was more about us keeping the passion alive and kicking - than me wearing thigh high lace up boots with lots of breast on show every day.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Toots - you are not alone here. I recall a similar conversation with my H pre-BD. He wanted me to wear more sexy stuff and I felt near insulted by the superficiality of that request at a time when I felt we had more important issues to address. I think it was a very MAFM WAFV moment.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
sandi2- Again, wow. I've a question. In your sitch, did you ever leave your H or intended to? I'm asking because the WW of many LBH here have admitted to the affair and left the marital home. For them, it's not a matter of getting a little fulfillment on the side, but of giving up on their H and changing partner altogether. I wonder if it makes a difference in how we should approach the sitches or if it's just splitting hair.
Did I leave my H? In every way! Except, moving physically out of the house. (I even left the night everything hit the fan, not knowing if I would return.) I had my hand on the doorknob for several months. That is how close it came. I had began saving things and planning logistics. OM was even going to financially help me. Wasn't that nice of him? Until I actually discovered how much he was willing to give up. . (One of the first signs I had that something stunk in the fantasy castle.)
As for as how the H should approach the stitch if his WW has separated from him to live in another house, I am inclined to say basically no differently. The only exception, maybe, applying what MWD calls the "after the LRT tecnique", which is going completely dark. Many find it almost impossible where the couple coparents their children. Either way, I believe the tougher side of love must be applied with a wayward, regardless where she resides.
Let me refer back to something you said about the WW who does not leave the home. (This may open the door for yet a new line of discussion.) Your reference to the W who does not leave the home being a "matter of just getting fulfillment on the side". I appreciate you saying it this way, b/c I am never certain how the other person may interpret some of these topics, and especially if I am doing the posting.
First, I want to clarify that I believe an emotional affair, and even a physical affair for a woman, begins by a having some type of unfulfilled need in her M. (Some other posters may want to reply if they disagree). I know we see movies where they show a faithful wife being so physically attracted to another man, it just pulls her into an A with him. All the makings for a screen love story. I think that is more Hollywood and less the norm. I will add, that Hollywood has certainly influenced the thinking in our society, but human nature being what it is, I have my doubts it changed everything.
From what I have seen and read, and in my personal stitch, the woman has had unmet emotional needs for a long time. Granted, there are some who may have always had a wayward nature, who are seeking nothing but a thrill on the side. But for the majority of stories we see come through the forum, the W is not wayward by nature and her behavior is completely uncharacteristic. She is often referred to as a good person and wonderful mother, and the H never saw this coming.
This may be a woman who becomes vulnerable in her emotional needs and succumbs to temptation, but still it is a choice and not just acted on from uncontrolled animalistic lust. If I am totally ignorant in this line of thinking, I trust someone will set me straight.
On the other hand, it may be a woman who is filled with such negative feelings for her H that she reacts by engaging in a wayward lifestyle that just shouts "rebellion". It doesn't necessarily have to be an affair, that's just what we see as the common denominator here on the forums. An affair is such a personal betrayal to her H/M.
Listen, when I first came here, I couldn't stand to hear the men refer to themselves as the "betrayed". My attitude was like, "Oh please! Get over yourself!". Now you tell me Mozza, was I bad.... or was I really bad? I never left my house, but It was more serious than me finding fulfillment on the side. Sadly, an very unlike me, I did not take it seriously in the first move I made in that direction. Does that make sense? In some cases, it becomes more complicated for women, at least, b/c it involves attitudes and a very bad mindset of a person who has given up on her H.
Not to get away from a wayward, but even for the WAW who is not wayward and may have legit reasons for leaving, has given up on her H, IMHO. That is why she's a WAW. The MR has gone badly and her hope that it will ever change just runs out.
The most basic decision made in how the H should approach with a WAW, IMO, is based on the fact she is either wayward.... or she's not.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Mozza, I apologize for the lateness of that last post. I wrote it last night and thought I hit the submit button. Obviously didn't. Had such a headache I had to lay the IPad down and stop for the day.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you so much for these posts sandi2. I don't know if you've seen my posts but I have what I've now identified as a wayward h who is in an ea. I'm struggling learning detachment at the moment and trying to get a plan together.. I'm not sure his a is because of a physical attraction, he still tells me he finds me very attractive and avoids sleeping in the same bed as me or he will want sex. He seems confused and dillusional to me. Have you any advice on how I can get him back? I need a plan. I've tried GAL and continue to do that. I can't go completely dark as we live together (although he's never home) and we have a young baby
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Sandi I just want to give you kuddos for this thread. Sharing your story in this way is incredible. You are opening up so many eyes. I think you were the 1st person who posted to me 4 years ago. My exw as far as I know didnt have OM. She fell in love with the equine world. Hard. As I type this i remember the exact words you said to me. And you were so very correct.
The line about the man being the "betrayed" is so powerful. It really puts things into perspective. And i hope you are not reliving those painful days. You are very valuable here.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
That means a lot to me, Rick. No, I am not reliving it. Sometimes when I share, I do get somewhat emotional, b/c I will forever regret that period in my life and the horrible pain I caused my H. His health really plummeted and has continued to get worse. I can't help but feel responsible in part. Maybe that is my guilt, IDK.
I have never felt the need to stay on the board due to guilt ot any negative feelings. It was my counsel and guide, originally, b/c my H would not go to MC with me. I've learned a lot from the heart broken people on the DB board, and especially the betrayed H's who told me their feelings, whereas, my own H would not open up and talk about his. In fact, it was in reading their personal sharing that helped me to feel remorse for my actions. I was able to see what their WW's had done to them, and knew that is what my H experienced.
it was a therapy for me. At times, I suppose it still is. I do have a desire to pay forward a little of the help I received in those dark days for me.
You have been a source of encouragement for me, Rick. Thank you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I do have a desire to pay forward a little of the help I received in those dark days for me.
I would encourage everyone to PAY IT FORWARD. The people that helped me like Jack3Beans,HB,Mach1,Cat04,Job, and many others no longer need help. So the only way I can pay them back is to help others.
Bravo to you Sandi2 for also being in this mindset!
I hope the people that we are helping can also one day help many others!
Cherry, I am about ready to cry. I spent nearly two hours working on a post to send you, and on the last sentence my clumsy finger hit something wrong.....and I lost the whole thing. Yeah, it was pretty long. It just nearly makes me sick to put that much time into typing up a post, then lose it. Anyway, I will have to take another go at it, and maybe shorten it a lot!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
. (One of the first signs I had that something stunk in the fantasy castle.) 
