Guide for LBH who has a Wayward Wife

[Starsky309]

Cherry, I am about ready to cry. I spent nearly two hours working on a post to send you, and on the last sentence my clumsy finger hit something wrong.....and I lost the whole thing. Yeah, it was pretty long. It just nearly makes me sick to put that much time into typing up a post, then lose it. Anyway, I will have to take another go at it, and maybe shorten it a lot!

Oh, no!!! After having that happen to me for about the fourth or fifth time once, I now get in the habit of -- when I see myself starting to get into something long (be it here, or maybe a work or long personal email) I copy and paste to my clipboard several times as I go. That way if something goes funky with it, I've still got what I've written.

Starsky

[NH115]

That's a good way to do it; When my posts or emails get long I'll write the original out in wordpad and then copy and paste.

[Old Dog]

Perhaps they can remove or move the "Go" button.

Are you posting from a phone?

I dont have that button except on my phone!

I'm on a desktop not a phone. The go button is just below the text box area. It says 'Hop to: (in this case For Newcomers) Go

Interestingly, the go button isn't there if you hit 'reply' or 'quote' but is there if you just start typing in the box or if you hit 'quick reply' or 'quick quote'.

[Cadet]

Perhaps they can remove or move the "Go" button.

Are you posting from a phone?

I dont have that button except on my phone!

I'm on a desktop not a phone. The go button is just below the text box area. It says 'Hop to: (in this case For Newcomers) Go

Interestingly, the go button isn't there if you hit 'reply' or 'quote' but is there if you just start typing in the box or if you hit 'quick reply' or 'quick quote'.

OK - Got it, yes I do have that Go button.
I do not usually use that method to reply.

[Mozza]

I'm confused why so many people seem to (assume that they) have lost their posts on these boards. I'm actually very impressed by how these boards preserve my drafts before I post them.

- If you leave the page by mistake, like hitting the Back button, come back to the page. My draft post is always there. So if you hit the Go button for instance, just go Back and your draft post is still there waiting for you (I just tested it with this post again).

- I can restart my browser entirely and when I come back to the page, my draft post is there waiting for me. Even when I close the tab, I go back to my History to reopen the recently closed tab and my draft is waiting for me. Impressive.

Next time it happens to you, try returning to the page. If it doesn't work, describe how you lost your and we might be able to retrieve it for you.

[sandi2]

Did not lose on the board. I accidently deleted my lost on my IPad.

[sandi2]

I read something in another thread that I feel needs to be discussed b/c it seems common for the LBS. Some LBS are held back from making tbe decision to proceed with D papers (for example) b/c they worry the WS will think they no longer love the WS. Or the LBS feels the WS won't know the LBS still loves the WS, and therefore, should express it. (I hope I said this right.)

As I said, this comes up often. If you would care to share your thoughts, please feel free. I am curious to know why a LBS strongly feels it is important to tell the WS, and is concerned that the WS may not know.

IMHO, it is a need the LBS has to tell the WS, ILY. My first question is why do you think the WS doesn't know? Second question, why does it matter so much to you to tell the WS one more time? Third, do you believe it will cause the WS to have second thoughts, or what? And fourth, do you believe it really matters to the WS, if they are in an A and/or have filed for D?

[Leon01]

I think a lot of LBS feel that they can "snap" their W out of their waywardness. I know I felt that way for a while. So yes, I thought my W would have second thoughts by me saying ILY. Mind you, the last time I said it, I got an ILY2. But it did seem to make her angrier.

[Mozza]

About telling the WAS that we still love them...

The last time I said it is over six months ago, on the day that she was leaving home. So I hold the line of not telling her even though I sometimes feel like I want to.

why do you think the WS doesn't know?

In my specific case, my WW is very afraid of rejection and will easily assume that she's not loved. She needs a lot of reassurance. On the day that I relented to the S, she immediately thought I didn't care about S, even though I had just spent a week in tears in front of her.

Second question, why does it matter so much to you to tell the WS one more time?

In case she doesn't try to come back because she thinks I reject her, again something she's very afraid of. Maybe she reads my detached behavior and thinks that I'm not interested since I don't pursue.

Third, do you believe it will cause the WS to have second thoughts, or what?

Not having second thoughts, but expressing second thoughts, yes. So my scenario is that WW regrets her decision but will not let me know because she thinks I moved on and never loved her much anyway. She said as much when my friends and family weren't contacting her: "it's evidence our relationship was paper thin and they never thought we were good together".

I'm ok not telling because I realized it doesn't matter to her if I love her. What matters is if she loves me. It will come from her, not me.

And fourth, do you believe it really matters to the WS, if they are in an A and/or have filed for D?

As I wrote above, I don't think they care who loves them, they care who they love. So telling them would not make them love us in return. It's pointless. I've accepted that as long as WW is with OM, she doesn't care about me. Her mind is on this new R, her life and projects revolve around it. As much as I dwell on the past, for her it's not what she thinks about, nor does she care if I love her or not. At best, she might have a bit of pity for me and be flattered and reassured. I want none of these things.

Looking forward to everybody's input and your reaction.

[mahhhty]

For me I think it is a combination of a need to express myself or speak or perhaps even try to rationalize the situation, and the idea that the next talk would be influential.

It was very hard for me to stop expressing myself, and learn the valuable lesson that everything I say does not have to come out of my mouth.