Sandi and Wonka - When you get a minute can you please answer my questions from page 3 of this thread? Thank you!
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
It was very hard for me to stop expressing myself, and learn the valuable lesson that everything I say does not have to come out of my mouth.
I'm an idiot. Correction.... It was very hard for me to stop expressing myself, and learn the valuable lesson that everything I THINK does not have to come out of my mouth.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
I often think it is not ILY but I still LY or ILY still. In case the WS thinks their behaviour means there is no more love from the LBS.
I am with Sandi on this one.
I believe that loving is a choice, I choose to love my H with all his faults and if his behaviour is damaging then I choose my love of myself first and foremost. limmerance is a choice too, an EA/PA is a choice to make. At some point that choice has consequences and that consequence is or could be an addiction which tramples the soul. With a higher power then that choice is managed. Just as the LBS has chosen to love they can in time choose to love in the way of friend instead or to let go completely of that love (love as in the old R).
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I think the DB approach for LBWs should differ slightly from the LBHs. Because the female and male dynamic is quite different.
Case in point.
For WAWs, the connection to the OM is emotional.
For WAHs, the connection is visual and sexual.
For DBing to be successful, the LBH needs to come down HARD on the WAW because the emotional allure is like a powerful riptide tearing her and the M asunder.
For DBing to be successful, the LBW needs to re-attract her WAH for men really like the chase and are visually-oriented.
Questions from Mahhty:
Sandi & Wonka. I've done my best to employ LRT and the 37 Rules. I've done well in some areas and less in others. That is the price of learning and changing. Regardless, I am moving forward.
The above addresses a WAW with OM. What about a WAW without OM? How does the thinking change if at all? In the rare instances where there's no OM, the approach is different...obviously. One does not need to pull out the no-OM boundary speech nor take any proactive measures to cease funding the affair--especially paying for the smartphone.
In cases where there's no OW or OM, the game plan is this: GAL, do genuine 180s on some of the legitimate complaints from your WAS, use your ears MORE & validate when appropriate, and re-attract your WAS. It's as simple as that. You ask how? Be upbeat, light, breezy, and fun. No more Eyeore chit. Being confident and breezy is very, very attractive.
Also, I don't fully understand the connection of the idea that "...the LBH needs to come down HARD on the WAW..." and the LRT/37 rules. How are we to "come down hard" when we don't have much contact? In your case, there's no OM. Are you absolutely sure about that??! Most LBHs are VERY, VERY fearful and delay in taking the first and most important step: pulling out the no-OM boundary speech. They drag out reasoning that it will just "push W away" which is whack because the W is already emotionally checked out of the M. Our main point is get your balls back and stand firm on the no-OM boundary.
If this is covered in the other posts let me know.
Sandi & Wonka. I've done my best to employ LRT and the 37 Rules. I've done well in some areas and less in others. That is the price of learning and changing. Regardless, I am moving forward.
The above addresses a WAW with OM. What about a WAW without OM? How does the thinking change if at all?
Some of you may remember two very wise posters here -- wife and husband -- Greek and Coach. Sadly, we lost Coach over a year ago to a way-too-early death, but these two successfully pieced their marriage back together (with the help of God and of this DB community), and were kind enough to share much of their work here with us on the forum.
Greek did NOT have an affair -- she was a classic "Walkaway Wife." I found their approach interesting because even though there was no infidelity, it was still a very strong stance that Coach used (including a hardball legal stance) to re-attract the Greek.
I wish I would have saved more of their stuff (although I'm sure you can find it archived on here if you look), but I did save this in my own personal archives:
What Greek says Coach did to win her back:
I will tell you what Coach did to win me back - after I left our home and filed for D. He stopped doing all the other things that got me to the point of walking out of the door. He stopped trying to arrange my reactions. He stopped trying to control what I would think or do. He stopped telling me how I should feel. He stopped telling me what would happen if... He dropped the rope and said WITH HIS ACTIONS: "Greek, I can see that you are hell bent on leaving for reasons that you have made abundantly clear to me. Some of those reasons have merit and I will deal with them for my own sake. But I can't keep you here and I won't try. The action I will take is to work on areas in my life that have contributed to the difficulties in our R and other R in my life; I will begin to take care of myself in a way I have neglected for some time now (GAL); I will handle protect myself against the legal action you took against our M; I will conduct myself with strength and honor." This was and is totally attractive! It's strong. It's confident. It's respectful - both of me and of Coach.
It's not about 'doing nothing.' It's about doing what works - putting the ACTION in the right place.
