Guide for LBH who has a Wayward Wife

[Wonka]

Joe,

Here's one we worked with Dev last summer in which he sent an email response to his WAW. I've cut out irrelevant parts.

Hopefully this is not a dumb question, but what is the NO- OM boundary speech? Maybe some examples?

Dear WAW,

I want to be clear on some things. One is that I do not want a divorce, but will not stand in your way should you choose to continue on this path. Two, I am not willing live in an open marriage with a third party.

We will not be friends should you decide to proceed with a D. Make no mistake -- if you choose to end our marriage this way, by continuing your affair with OM. It is incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage and our family. We will co-parent our children, and I will of course be civil and courteous, but this isn't how 'friends' treat each other.

Going forward starting now, as long as you are involved in an affair with the OM, our communication only be focused on the logistics of the children's schedules, their issues, and exchanges.

We have some decisions to make here. When you’re ready, please let me know your thoughts.

Sincerely,

Devaste

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only change I would make is add this line:

Should you decide proceed with a D, you need to know that we will not be friends after divorce.

If I recall correctly, Mrs. Starsky has told him that the one thing that she was deathly afraid of was losing his friendship. I believe this is all true for WASes.

[mahhhty]

Woah. This is really good information. Thank you Wonka, Starchy & Cadet. I greatly appreciate it!

In cases where there's no OW or OM, the game plan is this: GAL, do genuine 180s on some of the legitimate complaints from your WAS, use your ears MORE & validate when appropriate, and re-attract your WAS. It's as simple as that. You ask how? Be upbeat, light, breezy, and fun. No more Eyeore chit. Being confident and breezy is very, very attractive.

I have been implementing this, but I will now make this my entire playbook. Thank you Wonka!

Yea like it could be an imaginary one only in her head - like the character in a book, for instance.

Cadet - Over an 8 month period prior to leaving, I asked multiple times, she has always been consistent and stated no. However, this life event change has brought about a person I don't fully recognize. But I will continue to assume that she didn't lie to me.

What Greek says Coach did to win her back:

I will tell you what Coach did to win me back - after I left our home and filed for D. He stopped doing all the other things that got me to the point of walking out of the door. He stopped trying to arrange my reactions. He stopped trying to control what I would think or do. He stopped telling me how I should feel. He stopped telling me what would happen if... He dropped the rope and said WITH HIS ACTIONS: "Greek, I can see that you are hell bent on leaving for reasons that you have made abundantly clear to me. Some of those reasons have merit and I will deal with them for my own sake. But I can't keep you here and I won't try. The action I will take is to work on areas in my life that have contributed to the difficulties in our R and other R in my life; I will begin to take care of myself in a way I have neglected for some time now (GAL); I will handle protect myself against the legal action you took against our M; I will conduct myself with strength and honor." This was and is totally attractive! It's strong. It's confident. It's respectful - both of me and of Coach.

It's not about 'doing nothing.' It's about doing what works - putting the ACTION in the right place.

Greek

These two sound inspirational. I will find their posts and read up. Thank you Starsky!

[NH115]

That is amazing. I hope I've gotten that message through to my W. She's no longer involved in an A, but I still compete against him in her head.

[Joe46]

Great Wonka. Thank You.

Any thoughts on proceeding if there is no actual proof of OM. Granted my situation, W is still WW in her behavior with her job.

[Cadet]

Woah. But I will continue to assume that she didn't lie to me.

I think this is a bad assumption and goes directly against
what I tell you about

"Don't believe anything she says," and half of what she does.

[Wonka]

I wanted to swing back here and clarify a bit more about what I meant by "coming down HARD on WAW" as we don't want LBHs to misunderstand these comments.

Coming down HARD on the WAW doesn't mean that one has to be a jerk nor take a scorched Earth approach to DBing. In fact, it's to the contrary with calmness, firmness, and clear-headed confidence.

What it means by coming down hard on the WAW actively involved in an affair with the OM is doing the following as soon as you arrive here in DB:

1-pull out the no-OM boundary speech
2-quit all pursuing, letters, flowers, gifts, sex, sharing the MBR

This shows WAW that cake-eating is not an optional extracurricular activity with your blessing (i.e. wet noodle appeasement).

Coming down HARD on WAW is communicating clearly to her in no uncertain terms that you are NOT okay with living in an open M and backing it up with James Bond-cool ACTIONS.

No more wet noodle chit like pursuing her, pleading her, showing her how unhappy you are, bending backwards to accommodate her shifty changes, etc.

We've seen FAR toooooo many LBHs fritter away valuable time and energy on supplicating to the WAW with needy and clingy behaviors/actions. And some wet noodle, cringe-inducing comments along with those behaviors.

[Wonka]

Any thoughts on proceeding if there is no actual proof of OM. Granted my situation, W is still WW in her behavior with her job.

Joe, I'll re-post the same advice given to mahhhty:

In cases where there's no OW or OM, the game plan is this: GAL, do genuine 180s on some of the legitimate complaints from your WAS, use your ears MORE & validate when appropriate, and re-attract your WAS. It's as simple as that. You ask how? Be upbeat, light, breezy, and fun. No more Eyeore chit. Being confident and breezy is very, very attractive.

[mahhhty]

Woah. But I will continue to assume that she didn't lie to me.

I think this is a bad assumption and goes directly against
what I tell you about

"Don't believe anything she says," and half of what she does.

Cadet - I have come to terms with the idea that she could be lying. But where she has been out of the house since Nov and there has been no mention of OM by her or her family (I can't speak to if there is an IOM), shouldn't I progress down the no OM path?

[Leon01]

Regarding cooking: I do most of the cooking in the house. And up until about a month ago, I still used to cook for the WW.

Sometimes I make food in large portions (like a pot roast) and she will ask if she can eat.

I don't want to be a jerk but I think this is cake eating also. What's the best approach to this situation?

[Joe46]

Good! Thank You Wonka! So I have been doing this right lately. Other than the Eyeore chit? Not sure what that is?