Guide for LBH who has a Wayward Wife

[Zephyr]

Eyeore = character that exclusively portrays pouty, grumpy, woe is me, storm cloud follows you type behavior
Chit = expletive for poop.

[Joe46]

Got it! I knew what Chit was! But had not heard about Eyeore! Thought maybe it was a typo!!LOL!

[Joe46]

Although I am doing alot better now, I think my health has gone downhill since all this started. I don't know what I would have done had I not found this board. The help and advice I have received here has helped tremendously! Just this morning, I almost had another panic attack. But was able to calm down and remember what I was told here. I do have medical issues that need to be addressed because of all that I have dealt with. At least I am not waking up every morning stressed out. For the past few weeks, I have been very happy and energetic in the morning. I think it drives my wife nuts, but I am happy.

[Starsky309]

I wanted to swing back here and clarify a bit more about what I meant by "coming down HARD on WAW" as we don't want LBHs to misunderstand these comments.

Coming down HARD on the WAW doesn't mean that one has to be a jerk nor take a scorched Earth approach to DBing. In fact, it's to the contrary with calmness, firmness, and clear-headed confidence.

x 2. Confident, civil, calm. LEAD.


Starsky

[Jefe]

^^^ Exactly!

[gogofo]

My first question is why do you think the WS doesn't know?

It wasn't that I thought she didn't know, it was that I wanted to make it clear that I did love her. I hoped that she would understand how much I cared about her by saying it and it would change her mind.

Second question, why does it matter so much to you to tell the WS one more time?

I was feeling panicked and overcome with emotion and then the thinking stops. I just basically blurted out ILY!! It was a last second touch down pass attempt.

Third, do you believe it will cause the WS to have second thoughts, or what?

I didn't believe so much but hoped that she would respond with a "Oh you really do love me?! Well then let me just change my mind and work on our M"

And fourth, do you believe it really matters to the WS, if they are in an A and/or have filed for D?

The last time I told her I really wasn't thinking about the OM or that she had filed, these things could be changed. I didn't want to lose her or our family. The reality of the situation never reared its ugly head when I was telling her ILY.

Now that I have had some distance since this last time and worked on my feelings and seeing her as a WW (thanks to these threads) it becomes clear how weak I appeared and acted. I felt that standing up to her feelings for the OM and the D saying ILY was a move out of confidence and not fear. At that moment I felt I was being strong and confident.

In my mind I was that captain on the crows nest of the ship facing the raging storm in all my glory. In reality I was the cabin boy holding on to a life preserver, crying, and the only reason I was facing the storm is because I was the passenger.

I don't think there was anything I could have done in the immediate past to change how my M ended. I had my chance at this when the W admitted to OM. I was too weak and too excited to get back in the M to set the boundaries that needed to be set. She was no contact for a while and was happy to hand me her phone, but things changed.

[Sotto]

I'm a bit late to the party with this one, but I wanted to answer the questions you posed Sandi - about telling your WS you love them. I felt a strong need to do this recently when my H suggested we D. I think it really depends on the sitch, and it may well not have been the right thing for me to do according to DB criteria, but it certainly helped me a lot.

In my sitch, I moved out as soon as my H disclosed his A. And for a couple of months, I initiated contact with him and he told me details about the A, said he loved me, was still confused and so on. I may have said I loved him during that time too.

But then I discovered DB/DR and 'dropped the rope' in October. I haven't seen H since last August, and we have only spoken once by phone since October.

When he suggested D, I guess my big worry was that with the 6 months of consistent DBing, he may have thought I had truly stopped loving him. And I needed to tell him that I love him and that D isn't what I want.

I know that showering WS with 'I love you's' isn't a good idea, but it has helped me feel more at peace that I have now told him. To answer your questions. No, I wasn't sure that he did know I love him anymore. I've probably explained above already why it mattered so much to me. Third, I have no expectations that it will lead to second thoughts, but it has helped me to tell him. And fourth, I'm not sure that it would really matter to him at this stage.

But now I feel, if he files for D knowing that I love him, I can better accept it. My big worry was that I DB'd my heart out and he filed for D, and I never told him how much I still care. Fear I guess....

[u-turn]

I think that if an ILY did come out of my mouth, it would be as an explanation of why I am still standing, why I haven't walked away yet. I wouldn't expect a response to it. Not an emotional plea. (now - it has not always been this way, only lately. Prior to my 3rd or 4th kick in the gut, I was still throwing ILY around like it would make some kind of statement, and make a difference)

If she were to give me an ILY, it seems to be to get a reaction from me, I have not been reciprocating. In the past it was a common thing to say every day (prior to BD).

I believe it is not necessary to say at this time - she knows but just does not care. I do not believe just those word will change anything (that would have been an easy fix then - right? There's the magic bullet)

[Burger]

The last ILY in my world actually came from WW. I was shocked when she said it first.

It was near Valentine's Day, only a month post bomb. I had brought home some flowers the day before and she didn't notice them on the counter in the vase.

The next morning she comes into the MBR, she was sleeping in the spare room by then, and said thank-you for the flowers and apologized for not noticing them the day before. Then she leaned over the bed in hug moment and said she loved me. I did say it back to her. Maybe it was a momentary crack in the fog? Who knows for sure?

But nothing since then.

[sandi2]

FWITW, Coach & Greek were not softies in their advice to others, especially whenever there was an A involved. I remember their advice to the LBS was to tell the WS they had two weeks to find another place to live! They each gave this same advice every time. Greek, (who had been a WAW) may have even been just a bit tougher on the WAS, than Coach. Maybe it was just cause I liked her, IDK, but she didn't give slack to the WW. Some of you LBS's would have thought they were coming down too hard, but if only you would kick the fear and take as firm a stand, I think you would see better results.

They were much respected on the board, and I wished I could have met them in person. It is seldom that we have a WAS who is not in some type of A.

Cadet mentioned the imaginary OP. I did not have a specific imaginary OM, I went with whatever I was watching or reading at the time. I suppose you could classify me as a serial cheater in fictional affairs, b/c I sure did do a lot of it. For years, I read romance novels and watched the movies that fed my desire to have that type of man in my life. I was unhappy in my MR and starved for passion, and so my mind went wild reading those novels. This may sound silly to some of you men, but let me tell you, it can set the stage for other things. How can a woman respect and feel the loving, romantic emotions for her H if she's constantly comparing him to a fictional hero? The H will come up short every time, b/c of her mental attitude. I'm not saying the next time you see a woman sitting in a doctor's waiting room reading one of those books that she's prepping for an A........but you just never know what goes through a person's mind. I have not touched or looked at another romance novel since that year I became involved in an EA. I wouldn't even sell them in a garage sale. Threw them out with the trash.

Changing the subject back to why some LBS have an intense urge to tell the WS "ILY", I appreciate the responses. Perhaps there are some others who want to reply to the questions I asked.

In the meantime, I want to ask another question, especially to the men. Awhile back, I asked a similar question on one of the LBH's threads. It drew some really good answers. As a woman, it helped me understand better why they felt some of the fear they experience. With that in mind, I want to narrow it down a little more and ask why do some of the men "fear" their W getting angry? They'll do almost anything to keep her from getting into a bad mood.

Fear is the word I read in post after post from newcomer men. They fear their W's anger. Especially the really "nice guy" types fear upsetting the W, and will walk around on egg shells and tolerate her bad treatment rather than say or do anything that may possibly rile the "princess".

IMO, that is why she goes around ruling the kingdom and treating you as the boy who is in charge of dumping her chamber pot. See? Told ya, I use to read those books!



So talk to us, men. What makes you weak in the knees at the thought of your W getting angry/upset? Be honest and spell it out.