In the meantime, I want to ask another question, especially to the men. Awhile back, I asked a similar question on one of the LBH's threads. It drew some really good answers. As a woman, it helped me understand better why they felt some of the fear they experience. With that in mind, I want to narrow it down a little more and ask why do some of the men "fear" their W getting angry? They'll do almost anything to keep her from getting into a bad mood.
In the early days post bomb it was about hope for me. I was worried that if she got angry, she would leave, never to be seen again. I was scared that I might push her over some imaginary line and she would never come back to me. I needed that little bit of hope i was clinging to.
After I found this board, read the books, and started to calm down a bit I found some my lost confidence. Once I found out the extent of her online flirting and multiple EA's I put my foot down and told her she had to leave, that day. And she did. It felt so good to stand up for myself.
Me:43, WW:45 2 Kids: 21,22 Married: 23 Years Bomb: 01/2015 Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015 She left: 03/2015
The fear is easy. For me I didn't want to anger her because I felt like I would then be contributing to her leaving. Anything that pushed her away further, caused by me, I could feel it being a huge regret in the future . It's one thing to have your W leave and you powerless to do anything, but thought of making a mistake that pushes her fully out of reach is unbearable.
It's the mindset of us nice guys thinking if we do everything right we will get to that goal to reconcile. If we don't do something right its then our fault.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
For years, I read romance novels and watched the movies that fed my desire to have that type of man in my life. I was unhappy in my MR and starved for passion, and so my mind went wild reading those novels. This may sound silly to some of you men, but let me tell you, it can set the stage for other things. How can a woman respect and feel the loving, romantic emotions for her H if she's constantly comparing him to a fictional hero? The H will come up short every time, b/c of her mental attitude
I believe some men do the same thing when watching pornography or looking at "hollywood" types on television. They form a vision in their mind of how they want their W to act that is unattainable.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
What makes you weak in the knees at the thought of your W getting angry/upset? Be honest and spell it out.
What I feared was that she was just looking for the one reason to leave me again and file for D. I was scared that if I upset her it would be the straw that broke the camel's back.
I am non-confrontational by nature. I don't argue, I think it is counter productive. If I am not emotionally attached to someone I will just let them vent and stare at them blank faced. But with my XW I felt that her mood was directly effected by my actions.
I a nut shell I was scared that if I made her angry and she was in a bad mood then why would she want to be married to me. She wants to be with someone who makes her happy, i.e. the OM.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
I don't know about other but I look at it this way:
When she left, she was angry/upset at me. Because of things I did or didn't do.
Making her angry/upset would only put her back in that state of mind.
The state of mind where she decided to put into action her plan of getting out of the M.
Me:33 W:34 T:13 M:8.5 D mentioned & S 2/13/15 "We can never get back together" 4/2/15 Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15 "I want to have cats back" 5/4/15 Served D papers 5/8/15
In the meantime, I want to ask another question, especially to the men. Awhile back, I asked a similar question on one of the LBH's threads. It drew some really good answers. As a woman, it helped me understand better why they felt some of the fear they experience. With that in mind, I want to narrow it down a little more and ask why do some of the men "fear" their W getting angry? They'll do almost anything to keep her from getting into a bad mood.
For me, I was looking to do something, ANYTHING to get a positive reaction from her. Kind of like what the others are saying. I figured that if I only did things that made her happy, she'd change her mind and want to stay.
What makes you weak in the knees at the thought of your W getting angry/upset?
Shame
And guilt
The WW levels all kinds of criticisms at the LBH to blame them and justify and we believe it all. And what they don't say our badly hurt egos fill in the gaps especially if the LBH is a 'nice guy'
We don't want it to be true and fear it might be so we massively overcompensate.
we've also learnt that when you've done wrong that grovelling apology is the way forward.
Don't rock the boat, be nice and maybe you'll be forgiven and maybe she will give you another chance....
It ignores the reality of a wayward wife but the LBH is desperate they have just had the meaning ripped out of their life, their value destroyed and they believe theyve failed and its their own fault
Guilt and shame.
(Just my opinion though)
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I agree with the fear of her leaving. I know everytime we argued I would be the one to make up first so she would not be mad and leave. I wasn't always like that. I remember our early years together, I spoke my mind and that was it. I did not have a big conversation trying to justify my feelings. I also remember when we had a bad argument, I told her that is he was not happy, she knows where the door was. She remembers that also. I was wrong to say it and it hurt her. But I also think I was acting out of fear of her leaving and tried to control the situation.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
FWITW, Coach & Greek were not softies in their advice to others, especially whenever there was an A involved. I remember their advice to the LBS was to tell the WS they had two weeks to find another place to live! They each gave this same advice every time. Greek, (who had been a WAW) may have even been just a bit tougher on the WAS, than Coach.
I love this.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
For years, I read romance novels and watched the movies that fed my desire to have that type of man in my life. I was unhappy in my MR and starved for passion, and so my mind went wild reading those novels.
Published this week in the journal Mass Communication and Society, the study suggests that the more stock people put in the as-seen-on-TV portrayals of relationships in their favorite shows, the less likely they are to be committed to their own relationship. If, for example, you place a lot of emotional weight on the fact that the characters in Burn Notice would take a bullet for one another because they are so very much in love, you may be more likely to question how happy you are with your significant other, who can’t even be relied on to clean up their own dishes in the sink, let alone leap in front of a terrorist’s gun to save your life.
I've been concerned about it because my WW is an avid reader of novels and a keen watcher of romantic movies and TV shows. I believe it had an impact on her decision to S. In fact, she quoted stuff like Sex and the city to explain what she expects from love.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
So talk to us, men. What makes you weak in the knees at the thought of your W getting angry/upset? Be honest and spell it out.
I am not very fearful of that and my W is cordial and only got upset at me once since BD, so I have less to contribute. There were a few times where she was not happy with my decisions — no stroller dropping in my backyard, gotta take the kids on her birthday, can't see D7 in person on birthday — but I stood my ground and it never went further.
It seems normal human nature to expect people to deny us what we want when we upset them. In a couple, when your spouse is upset, she won't help you, she won't have sex with you, she won't go out of her way for you, she won't be warm, etc. So the reflex to avoid anger is normal... in a normal M.
I think the fundamental mistake of the LBS is to miss that the laws of physics have changed the day that the WAS announces his/her desire to separate. None of the previous tactics work and in fact they are counterproductive: I love you, being nice, making love, etc. The WAS has become someone who doesn't want to be loved by the LBS. It works like where you get romantic interest from a coworker, a friend, a stranger — anyone that you don't love in return. It's just unpleasant and unattractive.
Last edited by Cadet; 03/31/1510:48 PM. Reason: outside DB links not allowed
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I think you may have missed Maybell's bat signal to mosey over to Danigirl's thread. FYI, Danigirl is a WAW who recently stumbled here and is here in the Newcomer's forum. She really could use a kindred spirit like you.
Originally Posted By: Maybell
Sandi, can you check out Danigirl's thread? Thinking she really needs you.
