Guide for LBH who has a Wayward Wife

[sandi2]

Thanks Wonka. And thanks to all of you who shared your thoughts on the subject of fearing to make the WAW/WW mad. Since most everyone replied that it was the fear of her leaving, does that mean none you nice guys were anything like this pre-bomb day?

Not saying any of you were, but we all know someone who has turned into a passive ball of putty, in attempts to not cause waves and put their S in a bad mood. I am talking about long before there was a bomb. Perhaps most of their M together?

I want to copy and past a post from Sherman's thread. This was an article on emotional bullies. Hope all the LBS will take notice.



10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully
Does your girlfriend or wife yell, scream, and swear at you? Do you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about your relationship because they just wouldn’t understand? Is your relationship making you feel like you’re slowly going crazy?

If so, you’re probably involved with a woman who is an emotionally abusive bully. Most men don’t want to admit that they’re in an abusive relationship. They describe the relationship and their girlfriend/wife using other terms like crazy, emotional, controlling, bossy, domineering, constant conflict, or volatile. If you use words like this to describe your relationship, odds are you’re being emotionally abused.

Do you recognize any of the following behaviors?

1) Bullying. If she doesn’t get her way, there’s hell to pay. She wants to control you and resorts to emotional intimidation to do it. She uses verbal assaults and threats in order to get you to do what she wants. It makes her feel powerful to make you feel bad. People with a Narcissistic personality are often bullies.

Result: You lose your self-respect and feel outnumbered, sad, and alone. You develop a case of Stockholm Syndrome, in which you identify with the aggressor and actually defend her behavior to others.

2) Unreasonable expectations. No matter how hard you try and how much you give, it’s never enough. She expects you to drop whatever you’re doing and attend to her needs. No matter the inconvenience, she comes first. She has an endless list of demands that no one mere mortal could ever fulfill.

Common complaints include: You’re not romantic enough, you don’t spend enough time with me, you’re not sensitive enough, you’re not smart enough to figure out my needs, you’re not making enough money, you’re not FILL IN THE BLANK enough. Basically, you’re not enough, because there’s no pleasing this woman. No one will ever be enough for her, so don’t take it to heart.

Result: You’re constantly criticized because you’re not able to meet her needs and experience a sense of learned helplessness. You feel powerless and defeated because she puts you in no-win situations.

3) Verbal attacks. This is self-explanatory. She employs schoolyard name calling, pathologizing (e.g., armed with a superficial knowledge of psychology she uses diagnostic terms like labile, paranoid, narcissistic, etc. for a 50-cent version of name calling), criticizing, threatening, screaming, yelling, swearing, sarcasm, humiliation, exaggerating your flaws, and making fun of you in front of others, including your children and other people she’s not intimidated by. Verbal assault is another form of bullying, and bullies only act like this in front of those whom they don’t fear or people who let them get away with their bad behavior.

Result: Your self-confidence and sense of self-worth all but disappear. You may even begin to believe the horrible things she says to you.

4) Gaslighting. “I didn’t do that. I didn’t say that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. It wasn’t that bad. You’re imagining things. Stop making things up.” If the woman you’re involved with is prone to Borderline or Narcissistic rage episodes, in which she spirals into outer orbit, she may very well not remember things she’s said and done. However, don’t doubt your perception and memory of events. They happened and they are that bad.

Result: Her gaslighting behavior may cause you to doubt your own sanity. It’s crazy-making behavior that leaves you feeling confused, bewildered, and helpless.

5) Unpredictable responses. Round and round and round she goes. Where she’ll stop, nobody knows. She reacts differently to you on different days or at different times. For example, on Monday, it’s ok for you to Blackberry work email in front of her. On Wednesday, the same behavior is “disrespectful, insensitive, you don’t love me, you’re a self-important jerk, you’re a workaholic.” By Friday, it could be okay for you to Blackberry again.

Telling you one day that something’s alright and the next day that it’s not is emotionally abusive behavior. It’s like walking through a landmine in which the mines shift location.

Result: You’re constantly on edge, walking on eggshells, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is a trauma response. You’re being traumatized by her behavior. Because you can’t predict her responses, you become hypervigilant to any change in her mood or potential outburst, which leaves you in a perpetual state of anxiety and possibly fear. It’s a healthy sign to be afraid of this behavior. It’s scary. Don’t feel ashamed to admit it.

6) Constant Chaos. She’s addicted to conflict. She gets a charge from the adrenaline and drama. She may deliberately start arguments and conflict as a way to avoid intimacy, to avoid being called on her bullshit, to avoid feeling inferior or, bewilderingly, as an attempt to avoid being abandoned. She may also pick fights to keep you engaged or as a way to get you to react to her with hostility, so that she can accuse you of being abusive and she can play the victim. This maneuver is a defense mechanism called projective identification.

Result: You become emotionally punch drunk. You’re left feeling dazed and confused, not knowing which end is up. This is highly stressful because it also requires you to be hypervigilant and in a constant state of defense for incoming attacks.

7) Emotional Blackmail. She threatens to abandon you, to end the relationship, or give you the cold shoulder if you don’t play by her rules. She plays on your fears, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, shame, values, sympathy, compassion, and other “buttons” to control you and get what she wants.

Result: You feel manipulated, used, and controlled.

8 Rejection. She ignores you, won’t look at you when you’re in the same room, gives you the cold shoulder, withholds affection, withholds sex, declines or puts down your ideas, invitations, suggestions, and pushes you away when you try to be close. After she pushes you as hard and as far away as she can, she’ll try to be affectionate with you. You’re still hurting from her previous rebuff or attack and don’t respond. Then she accuses you of being cold and rejecting, which she’ll use as an excuse to push you away again in the future.

Result: You feel undesirable, unwanted, and unlovable. You believe no one else would want you and cling to this abusive woman, grateful for whatever scraps of infrequent affection she shows you.

9) Withholding affection and sex. This is another form of rejection and emotional blackmail. It’s not just about sex, it’s about withholding physical, psychological, and emotional nurturing. It includes a lack of interest in what’s important to you–your job, family, friends, hobbies, activities–and being uninvolved, emotionally detached or shut down with you.

Result: You have a transactional relationship in which you have to perform tasks, buy her things, “be nice to her,” or give into her demands in order to receive love and affection from her. You don’t feel loved and appreciated for who you are, but for what you do for her or buy her.

10) Isolating. She demands or acts in ways that cause you to distance yourself from your family, friends, or anyone that would be concerned for your well-being or a source of support. This typically involves verbally trashing your friends and family, being overtly hostile to your family and friends, or acting out and starting arguments in front of others to make it as unpleasant as possible for them to be around the two of you.

Result: This makes you completely dependent upon her. She takes away your outside sources of support and/or controls the amount of interaction you have with them. You’re left feeling trapped and alone, afraid to tell anyone what really goes on in your relationship because you don’t think they’ll believe you.

You don’t have to accept emotional abuse in your relationship. You can get help or you can end it. Most emotionally abusive women don’t want help. They don’t think they need it. They are the professional victims, bullies, narcissists, and borderlines. They’re abusive personality types and don’t know any other way to act in relationships.

Life is too short to spend one more second in this kind of relationship. If your partner won’t admit she has a problem and agree to get help, real help, then it’s in your best interest to get support, get out, and stay out.

[Vanilla]

I feel quite unwell reading this. Queasy and unnerved.

Please let us look at the statistic on abuse. 1 in 4 women are abused. in some counties that rises to 40%. Whilst some men are abused the percentage is between 3 and 8% and 50% of that is same sex abuse.

To encourage men to be assertive is quite one thing but what is being proposed here is labelling criticising and bullying. I see this as unhelpful.

Having recently been subject to such abuse myself and the only control that I have is how I behave and react then the descriptions given to men to encourage them to control their W are truly awful. Many W are unhappy anyway and this is unlikely to reverse that.

I am very convinced that abuse is about control, inflammation by racking up these so called generalised behaviours and applying them carte Blanche is irresponsible.

IMHO we must never label, blame or criticise W , H or another, it is the behaviour that needs help. The idea that the male in the R is the BOSS is nauseating and repugnant. And no I am not there to do a JOB. Any woman or man subject to this boorish and dominating attitude even in the work place would have my full support to sue for abuse. This is control at it's very worse.

All we should change is ourselves not control another and their supposed Job.


If any W was treated that way then walk away girlfriend. I do not care what you have done, get out of the clutches of such a controlling megalomaniac. And they may appear to be strong words but actually they are very weak and insecure. Bullies are often very insecure.

We all need boundaries and to get stronger but this is truly horrible to read. Have I gone back 100 years in time?

V


Edit - That post has been removed as per writers request

[Sherman333]

Just to add clarity in my situation... my wife attacks the person (she can get quite foul) and not the behaviors. She's borderline personality disorder (maybe bipolar too) and it's been extremely difficult to deal with in our marriage. She's also threatened my S7's well being to get me to capitulate to her demands. It's even been recorded in my situation.

I'm absolutely not advocating that someone should physically or emotionally abuse another... that's guaranteed disaster. If you look at the real statistics on men in emotionally abusive relationships, it's quite a bit higher than what was listed.

What is being advocated is for the LBH to stand up and realize that he can survive and prosper no matter what. That he doesn't NEED his wife. But would prefer the marriage.

From the quote above...

In other words, when you tell your wife that you expect something from her, you have to MEAN IT.

Taken out of the rest of the context of the book, I can see how this looks bad/controlling. You'd have to read the book for the rest of it. Relative to this though, it must be done with love & respect or it's control. Very big difference.

[Vanilla]

BPD and bipolar are clinical diagnosis. If you W has been clinically diagnosed then perhaps treatment is appropriate and I trust she is receiving this and has made that decision. I will read your sitch soon so I understand this.

However what is appropriate for the minority 1 in 500 bipolar is inappropriate for the majority. Scherman, if this is the case then indeed you need every support we can give you to deal with this. And I give you unreservedly my strength. I am very interested in stats can you point me in the direction of your research paper on male abuse? Mine come from the Healing Hurt report on abuse in 2006. If there is a later study then I would find that useful.

I believe in acting from love, even when enforcing boundaries love is a requirement. And yes we must mean our consequences when we enforce boundaries. Enforce consequences on our reasonable boundaries of course, control and insist on jobs being done? Really? This could never be done with love and respect! This is like doing 'something for your own good, because I love you' discipline.

For a very opposite view examine Al Turtles Master Slave discussion.

V

[Sherman333]

The books premise is building attraction in marriage. If you haven't read something along these lines, it helps to explain some of the dynamics in place. It is written in a language geared at men so they would understand the point. By "boss" the book defines it as leadership earlier. Same with "job".

If there's anything in the quote that doesn't come across as clear, I'd ask Cadet (or other mod) to edit it and remove it, but try to keep the basic message that the LBH needs to not beg, grovel, plead, etc. To stand up for his life in a positive way. Yes I meant life.

[Vanilla]

Neither should any LBS, male or female!

V

[Sherman333]

Neither should any LBS, male or female!

Agreed!

The problem with this type of communication (or email, texts, etc.) is that it leaves some much to interpretation. We all have our own personal lens or bias. It would be much easier with a face-to-face discussion.

[Starsky309]

Please let us look at the statistic on abuse. 1 in 4 women are abused. in some counties that rises to 40%. Whilst some men are abused the percentage is between 3 and 8% and 50% of that is same sex abuse.

Those figures don't sound right to me. Everything I've ever read says that incidence of male abuse (from their significant other female) is WAY underreported, and MUCH higher than most people commonly think.

and the "1 in 4" figure sounds very high as well. What threshhold is that researcher using to qualify as "abuse?"


Starsky

[Starsky309]

From Wikipedia:

Estimation difficulties

Determining the rate of IPV against males can be difficult, as men are often more reluctant than women to report their abuse or seek help.[4][9][10] One of the reasons for this is that IPV against men is generally less recognized by society than IPV against women.[3][1]:1 Additionally, heterosexual male victims of IPV are often judged harshly for "allowing" themselves to be beaten by a woman. This view is based upon the general rule that men are physically stronger than women, and, therefore, should be able to prevent any kind of female violence; a view which disregards that violent women tend to use objects during IPV at a higher rate than violent men.[11][12]

Another reason men are often reluctant to report victimization concerns socio-cultural stereotypes of masculinity; male victims of IPV often hide their suffering due to fear of being judged negatively by others, and/or having their masculinity questioned.[1]:6 For some men, this evasive behavior is based upon the fear of being ridiculed by friends or co-workers, by shyness in dealing with peers and/or with (non-violent) women, and by fear of people saying that the woman is the real victim, and must have been acting in self-defense.[2][13] For a man to admit he is the victim of female perpetrated IPV necessitates the abandonment of the veneer of machismo which society expects from men, and to admit being submissive to a female partner. For some men, this is an admission they are unwilling, or unable, to make.[14] Some researchers have also demonstrated a degree of socio-cultural acceptance of aggression by women against men, whereas there is a general condemnation of aggression by men against women. This can lead to men not considering themselves victims, and/or not realizing the IPV they are experiencing is a crime.[9][15]

Furthermore, some studies have shown that women who assault their male partners are more likely to avoid arrest than men who attack their female partners,[16] and that female perpetrators of IPV are often viewed by law enforcement agencies and the courts as victims rather than offenders.[17] As such, men fear that if they do report to the police, they will be assumed to be the aggressor, and placed under arrest.[18][19] The 1985 U.S. National Family Violence Survey, carried out by Murray A. Straus and Richard J. Gelles on a nationally representative sample of 6,002 couples, found that when a woman called the police to report IPV, the man was ordered out of the house in 41.4% of cases. However, when a man called, the woman was ordered out of the house in 0% of cases. When a woman called, the man was threatened with immediate arrest in 28.2% of cases; when a man called, the woman was threatened with arrest in 0% of cases. When a woman called, the man was threatened with arrest at a later date in 10.7% of cases; when a man called, the woman was threatened with arrest at a later date in 0% of cases. When a woman called, the man was arrested in 15.2% of cases; when a man called, the woman was arrested in 0% of cases. In fact, in 12.1% of cases when the man called, the man himself was arrested.[20]

All of these factors contribute to a very low level of male reported IPV.

[Starsky309]

V, this supports your "more than 1 in 4 women" statistic. It also supports the "male abuse (by a female) is far more prevalent than most people think" premise (Source: TheGuardian.com):


About two in five of all victims of domestic violence are men, contradicting the widespread impression that it is almost always women who are left battered and bruised, a new report claims.

Men assaulted by their partners are often ignored by police, see their attacker go free and have far fewer refuges to flee to than women, says a study by the men's rights campaign group Parity.

The charity's analysis of statistics on domestic violence shows the number of men attacked by wives or girlfriends is much higher than thought. Its report, Domestic Violence: The Male Perspective, states: "Domestic violence is often seen as a female victim/male perpetrator problem, but the evidence demonstrates that this is a false picture."

Data from Home Office statistical bulletins and the British Crime Survey show that men made up about 40% of domestic violence victims each year between 2004-05 and 2008-09, the last year for which figures are available. In 2006-07 men made up 43.4% of all those who had suffered partner abuse in the previous year, which rose to 45.5% in 2007-08 but fell to 37.7% in 2008-09.

Similar or slightly larger numbers of men were subjected to severe force in an incident with their partner, according to the same documents. The figure stood at 48.6% in 2006-07, 48.3% the next year and 37.5% in 2008-09, Home Office statistics show.
Advertisement

The 2008-09 bulletin states: "More than one in four women (28%) and around one in six men (16%) had experienced domestic abuse since the age of 16. These figures are equivalent to an estimated 4.5 million female victims of domestic abuse and 2.6 million male victims."