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Message from Virginia Peeples Vice President The Divorce Busting Center
The purpose of this site is to help you navigate through the solution-oriented techniques created by Michele Weiner-Davis that have been proven for over 30 years to save marriages. Her techniques are spelled out in the materials linked to this site, but most commonly on this board we are talking about Divorce Busting(DB), Divorce Remedy(DR) and Keeping Love Alive (KLA). Most of the folks here are familiar with one or more of these works, and while it's most helpful if you familiar with the techniques we will help you navigate them. This is not a peer-counseling site, it's a brainstorming solutions site. And yet, some folks will give you 'advice'.
Some of our members are more experienced with the materials than others. Some are not. And sometimes you will find advice that contradicts the principles here. You will find that those who know the principles and are committed to marriage will challenge bad advice. Good advice is about bringing MORE LOVE into your relationship and therefore helps you brainstorm solutions. Bad 'advice' is very self centered and does the opposite.
We don't catch everything, though, so your BEST bet is to compare the advice you receive to the materials (DB/DR/KLA). And if it's confusing, click NOTIFY. We will help you as soon as we are able. Better yet--call for an appointment with a DB Coach. 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 or click here COACHING
If you are new to this site, and especially if your spouse has a foot out the door--start with Newcomers, at least initially, to learn the basic techniques/skills. You will also want to check out the Divorce Remedy forum. Then:
If you are dealing with the specific issue of Infidelity, you might like to check out that forum.
If you are having trouble with a SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE, you may also like to find some support and creative solutions on that forum.
When your spouse is really willing to work with you, and has stopped talking about leaving, you are PIECING. I'll explain later, but it's important to catch that step and act accordingly. This is the space in which to really build your skill set and strengthen your relationship. You may find you backslide here, that's OK. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off--you're still 'Piecing' unless you really want to join a different forum. There is no need to go back to newcomers. You just begin again with a 'Beginner's Mind' if you need to.
Later, when you feel you are on more solid ground or that you have advanced, we have a forum for you if you'd still like to work on your DB skill set and get support: After Reconciling--Keeping the Changes Going.
We have other forums that you may want to check out, but this is the 'nuts and bolts'.
What are your measurements of success? Do you feel you are good at catching the small successes and building on them? Do you feel you need a full melding of the minds / perfect harmony befor you feel you've made it.
Piecing is where you having a willing partner, working with you. You are no longer in the LRT. Your spouse is talking about being with you and not talking about leaving.
This is where you really build your skillset, and the better you do that, the more likely you won't be back at the heartbreak point.
Michele's facebook quote here is a real teaching point:
Quote:
When things are going right in your marriage, pay special attention to how you and your spouse act, think & feel. Reproduce these traits when things start going downhill.
Just a reminder to post carefully and to know that once something is out there on the internet, it's forever.
Please also limit your threads to 100 Posts - I will be glad to help people in linking their threads.
For those on moderation we will try for the following The goal to approve individual posts is 24 hours. There are very few moderators, and they have other full-time jobs. So, there are times that this approval does not happen within 24 hours. We apologize, we are committed to you, sometimes the time frame is unavoidable. ___________________________________________________________
Here is a useful tip on using the forum
How to quote
Simplest method to quote is to use the quote button at the bottom.
Also you can highlight what you want to quote and hit the quote button.
Next method is to copy what you want to quote and use the fifth button from the right in REPLY mode, insert text between brackets.
Last and hardest method is to type I have left out the trailing bracket so you can see what to type.
[quote=username]How to quote[/quote
Use the PREVIEW POST button before you hit submit so you can see what your post will look like.
Go up to MY STUFF (now it is your name in upper right corner) Click on Followed List Click on Followed Users Click on Edit Followed Users Click on Add a user to list Type in user - "Never Give UP" Select her as a watched user. Click on her name Click on show all posts. Click on Topics __________________________________________________________________
How to find your thread
Try clicking on YOUR NAME SHOW POSTS Then at the top right it says TOPICS CREATED - click there
or
My Stuff Posts Then at the top right it says TOPICS CREATED - click there
If you are reading someones posts, using the SHOW POSTS function. And they have a lot of posts, you may want to go to a certain page of the listing. So in the bottom right corner it say pages 1-xxx Then there is a black downward facing arrow. If you click on that arrow then you can enter a page number.
Took me about 2 years to figure that out.
Also the forum defaults can be changed to put more or less posts on a page.
Or you can change what is displayed to look at older posts.
There is a lot of information here but it takes some work to find it all.
To get more replies my suggestion is to ask questions. Put you post down in a readable fashion. (not one big block of type- ie hit carriage return frequently). KISS = Keep it simple stupid Post on other peoples threads and give them support. You may not think you are qualified but you will be surprised that you may know something or have some knowledge of something that others know nothing about. Personally thank each poster that does post on your thread or ask them a follow up question.
Could you please clarify the rules for discussing books on this board? I'm a little confused because I quoted a book and it was edited, but I see numerous posts on here, some several years old, that have extensive book references or are entirely about a book...
Thank you!
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Could you please clarify the rules for discussing books on this board? I'm a little confused because I quoted a book and it was edited, but I see numerous posts on here, some several years old, that have extensive book references or are entirely about a book...
Welcome to the DivorceBusting.com On-Line Community. By posting here you agree to our terms and conditions and agree to abide by the rules and policies detailed below.
This messageboard community is designed to support, encourage, and educate people about Divorce Busting strategies and techniques to help them improve their relationships and save their marriages.
You agree to not post any messages that are defamatory, harassing, abusive, hateful, threatening, or otherwise offensive. Your posts must be polite and considerate. Do not post names, addresses, phone numbers, email addresses, or any confidential or private contact information. You agree not to post any copyrighted material, photos, videos, book references, or links to other sites.
Our administrators and moderators are dedicated to assuring that everyone who comes here is treated with courtesy and respect. You may not always agree with our decisions to delete posts or to ban some members. We reserve our right to do so when we feel necessary, with or without explanation. Although it is impossible to review every post, we will attempt to keep all objectionable messages off this forum. You can always hit "NOTIFY" when you see a post or comment that you feel is objectionable. A Moderator will review and edit if necessary.
We reserve the right to delete, edit, move or close any post or thread for any reason at our sole discretion. We reserve the right to change and/or modify these policies at any time. Changes will be posted here, so please check back and review these rules. We may modify or terminate our services from time to time, for any reason, and without notice. By registering, logging in and participating in this community, you acknowledge, accept and agree to these terms.
Also understand that this board has largely gone un-moderated for years. There is no possible way to go through and edit the millions of posts that are left.
So I am tasked with using my judgement and best sense, there are a few authors that are viewed as competiton and will not be tolerated.
And tbh there are some I was unaware of until I was taken to task.
I would say that the main purpose of this board is to promote MWD, her books, seminars, and coaches. So they would be the final word.
Speaking in general terms here, if threads are put on this board and it is needed, I now have a safe place to move them too that only the moderators have access to. So they will not be deleted but moved to this area for storage until they are needed again or purged in years to come.
I hope that is clear and there is no need to respond. Or you can notify me to respond in private.
You can communicate with me or the other moderators or admins by using the NOTIFY button at the bottom of each post. (located in the same line as the Reply and Quote buttons)
Please use this button to send me a private message that you do not want on the forum. This button sends me an e-mail. Once a post is NOTIFY then no one else can NOTIFY on that post. I can not respond to your message other than posting on the forum.
I can NOT delete all your posts as that is not possible. I can move your threads to a safe location, however I think you should respect that this is NOT a trivial action and takes a lot of work on my part.
Just for reference I moderate mostly while I am running my business, which is 8-5 EST M-F and a few hours on Saturday, other times I can get notices on my phone however I do sleep at night, and GAL on weekends.
Can I start a new topic within my current thread. It doesn't seen like anyone is reading my posts and my situation is changing daily.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
Can I start a new topic within my current thread. It doesn't seen like anyone is reading my posts and my situation is changing daily.
You can change titles within your thread at any time - however it is recommended to stick to one thread until 100 posts and continue to post on that thread as it is easier to follow along, and give and get advice.
Go to the top of the screen and there is a new topic box on the left hand side. Click on it and then you will open the window to create a new subject as well as a posting. It's the same way that you created this thread.
You can communicate with me or the other moderators or admins by using the NOTIFY button at the bottom of each post. (located in the same line as the Reply and Quote buttons)
Please use this button to send me a private message that you do not want on the forum. This button sends me an e-mail. Once a post is NOTIFY then no one else can NOTIFY on that post. I can not respond to your message other than posting on the forum.
I can NOT delete all your posts as that is not possible. I can move your threads to a safe location, however I think you should respect that this is NOT a trivial action and takes a lot of work on my part.
Just for reference I moderate mostly while I am running my business, which is 8-5 EST M-F and a few hours on Saturday, other times I can get notices on my phone however I do sleep at night, and GAL on weekends.
I hope this clarifies this.
Questions?
I am reposting this to let anyone know that I am unable to respond to NOTIFY other than by posting somewhere.
I do get your messages and you will need to check to see if what you wanted done is accomplished in the way that you had asked.
Just to bump up this thread and let you know that the best way to get a hold of me is to notify on any post.
I am normally in my office on Monday - Friday during business hours eastern standard time or New York time zone.
Other than that I moderate on my phone which is much more difficult, so sometimes I don't see everything or may not even pay attention(on weekends and at night).
Please also try to self moderate threads at 100 posts. Although Job is very good at reminding everyone to start new threads it is a big help if you can do this on your own. And I would prefer that notifies are used for important things cause they all generate e-mails that tend to get very confusing if there are many of them.
Thanks everyone for your cooperation.
Happy New Year to ALL! May you all find 2016 to be Joyful and have Peace!
I would also like to remind everyone to be careful in what you post on the forums. Personal information needs to remain private and personal. Try to remember not to post names of family members, specific info about your separation/divorce/mediation. Sometimes spouses do come here and will search and if you are too specific, they will know who you are.
Members are the only ones that can post to the Forum, however, that doesn't mean that Forum can't be viewed by non-members. People come and read the threads each and every day and eventually they'll admit that they've been lurking for a while before they post. Nothing is safe when it comes to the internet, i.e., a person with the proper skills or knows what word to use to do a search can lead right back to the Forum and your posting. So, with that in mind, I caution you to be prudent in what you post.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Is there a way I should be enabling private messages? I can't figure out how to do this?
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Please also try to self moderate threads at 100 posts. Although Job is very good at reminding everyone to start new threads it is a big help if you can do this on your own.
Can you explain the reason for this rule? It's hard to trace back the older threads that are five or six new threads later to get the beginning of the story... Or is it a software limitation issue?
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
CWOL, I'm not Cadet, but I am a long time poster, i.e., 16 years to be exact and the rule of 100 postings has been in effect for as long as I can remember. One of the possible reasons for the length of threads is software limitation and yes, they do come along a couple of times a year and clean up the main frame, which means older threads do get deleted from the main frame.
Actually, it's not difficult to track back to the original thread if you link "new and previous" thread links. That's why Cadet and I have been coming along and reminding posters to start new threads and put the links in or putting them in for posters. Some posters have gone the extra mile and posted all of their links into new threads so that the entire history is available if a new poster wants to see the history.
Some day, they may get a new database that will be able to hold more data. Many of us have lost our threads over the years due to purging and that's another reason why posters should print of their threads or copy them to a thumb drive.
Also, if someone is interested in your history, they can do a search on your name and find all of your postings as well as clicking on your user name to find your postings.
I'm sure Cadet will have a better answer than mine, but linking threads for now is the best way to ensure that everyone can read all of your thread history, not only in this particular forum, but all of the forums if you opt to post elsewhere.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Can we edit our own posts or do we use the notify button to have an edit made. Like for spelling errors or incorrect words due to spelling errors.
I missed this question.
My best suggestion is to use the PREVIEW POST button before you post.
The edit button does not work and tbh I have no idea why. It has been brought up to the ADMIN and I really did not get an answer - so sorry about that. You can use the NOTIFY button one time per post but it does create a lot of work for me so please consider that before pushing it.
My suggestion is to start a Personal thread and POST about yourself. This gives other posters some background on who you are and what your story is. It also helps to give complete transparency about yourself. That you are not a sock puppet with multiple user names Also posters are able to post to you and ask you questions if needed. After this is demonstrated I normally recommend to the administrator that you be taken off of moderation. Normally on weekends, holidays and night(EST.) very little goes on about these issues. If you have done all these things and are still on moderation, I suggest you contact the Administrator about your case.
Re-posting here again just to let everyone know I am back from a long weekend away. Next weekend will be the same thing too. Notify are still not working so it makes it a lot harder for me to approve posts for newbies or ask for their removal from moderation as the administrator is also not getting my messages except for e-mails. From a computer a lot of this stuff is easy however from my phone..... OH MY!
I have a collection of qoutes from posters on other sites. These I find precise and often brilliant. I stress these posters do not work for the other boards and the material is not copyrighted. One example is by a woman who married a BS that I refer to "why improve yourself". It address an individuals issues must be addressed either if the marriage ends or not. She wrote how impressed she was about how he owned his issues. Because he owed his issues she wrote "I reaped the benefits". Nice validation for the BS, eh?
So my question is can I use them on this board without a link to the site or mentioning the site in my posts? Is there a way I could email you a few examples? The other qoute is by a former "player" from his point of view, that married women with children, 5 plus years married where easy prey. A real eye opener for many.
I don't think that there will be a problem in sharing quotes from other sites, just as long as you don't identify the sites names, the link to the sites or the names of the posters. Keep it clean of identifiers and you should be good to go.
Edit - I agree - Cadet
Last edited by Cadet; 11/02/1603:46 PM.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My suggestion is to start a Personal thread and POST about yourself. This gives other posters some background on who you are and what your story is. It also helps to give complete transparency about yourself. That you are not a sock puppet with multiple user names Also posters are able to post to you and ask you questions if needed. After this is demonstrated I normally recommend to the administrator that you be taken off of moderation. Normally on weekends, holidays and night(EST.) very little goes on about these issues. If you have done all these things and are still on moderation, I suggest you contact the Administrator about your case.
I hope that helps.
Just re-posting this with a little more explanation.
As a new poster your posts must be approved by the moderator or admin. When you hit submit for a post they go into a queue that must be approved before they show up. During business hours(see note bolded above) this should happen rather quickly, although it is never guaranteed. Other times it will be when I get to it.
I am the main moderator for this section of the forum. So if I am busy then it could be more delayed.
I can only say that it is much faster than in the past, and I will do the best I can.
Cadet, could you clarify the rules around recommending books? Obviously DB/DR is good to go and other books specifically on avoiding divorce etc are likely off limits. What about supplemental books? For example, books on affirmation or books on codependency? At this point, I have picked up and read probably 15 randomly tangential books (as I am sure many people do when things start to go south) with another 10 or so in the mail. I have no vested interest in any of the books or anything like that, just curious how to best help others if I find something that works for me. Some of the books I have were bought used as they have been out of print since the 80/90s.
I have seen others recommend some supplemental titles, but again, I am very thankful for the resource of this forum and the community, so I want to stay well within the allowed bounds!
Me: 28 W: 28 No Kids Together: 10 years Married: 3 years ILYBIDLY: 11/2/17 She moved out: 11/15/17
Cadet, could you clarify the rules around recommending books? Obviously DB/DR is good to go and other books specifically on avoiding divorce etc are likely off limits. What about supplemental books? For example, books on affirmation or books on codependency? At this point, I have picked up and read probably 15 randomly tangential books (as I am sure many people do when things start to go south) with another 10 or so in the mail. I have no vested interest in any of the books or anything like that, just curious how to best help others if I find something that works for me. Some of the books I have were bought used as they have been out of print since the 80/90s.
I have seen others recommend some supplemental titles, but again, I am very thankful for the resource of this forum and the community, so I want to stay well within the allowed bounds!
At this point my suggestion is that you stick with MWD's books on these forums.
There are other recommendations out there that you can read about however I would avoid posting too much about them and stick with the person that pays the bills here.
Thanks! Curious, I have read dozen of stories from different people, but I wonder if I am missing a better way to search for successful outcomes.
Realistically, I know a lot of people start posting and then disappear before they ever share the outcome of their situation. There are others that share success stories in a paragraph or 2 after the fact, which Virginia posts and can also be found on the main DB website. These are good, but the success stories do not provide level of insight that a dozen or so journal-ling threads do over the course of months.
Is there some way to search threads by ongoing vs complete and then by what the outcome of the relationship was, if it is complete? If not, might there be some way to add a tag of sorts to the threads to facilitate such a feature?
Me: 28 W: 28 No Kids Together: 10 years Married: 3 years ILYBIDLY: 11/2/17 She moved out: 11/15/17
Thanks! Curious, I have read dozen of stories from different people, but I wonder if I am missing a better way to search for successful outcomes.
Realistically, I know a lot of people start posting and then disappear before they ever share the outcome of their situation. There are others that share success stories in a paragraph or 2 after the fact, which Virginia posts and can also be found on the main DB website. These are good, but the success stories do not provide level of insight that a dozen or so journal-ling threads do over the course of months.
Is there some way to search threads by ongoing vs complete and then by what the outcome of the relationship was, if it is complete? If not, might there be some way to add a tag of sorts to the threads to facilitate such a feature?
Short answer is NO.
However have you read all my homework yet?
In it, in the resources you will find Mozza's thread, it has success story links you can read. Various people including myself have taken the time to do this throughout the years.
New member and it appears I have a private message (see a flashing email that says so) but when I click it I see no message and when trying to send a message I see "Private Topics are disabled."
New member and it appears I have a private message (see a flashing email that says so) but when I click it I see no message and when trying to send a message I see "Private Topics are disabled."
Any help is appreciated.
Messaging on the boards does not work however there is an automated message sent out by UBB when you register it says the following
Originally Posted by UBB
Welcome to our forums! Please take a moment to review and update your profile and preferences to take full advantage of our features. You can do this by clicking on "Edit Profile" and "Edit Preferences" in the My Stuff dropdown.
Please do not reply to this message as this is just an automated welcome message to thank you for joining our community.
